Time Won't Let Me Go
by antsyanne
Summary: When they were young, Meredith and Derek promised each other that they wouldn't break. But Derek broke Meredith and Meredith ran, breaking Derek's heart. What happens when they meet again?
1. Prologue

**Dreaming with a broken heart**__**by John Mayer**

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,_

_The waking up is the hardest part,_

_You roll out of bed and down on your knees,_

_And for a moment you can hardly breathe,_

_Wondering was she really here?_

_Is she standing in my room?_

_No she's not,_

_Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone_

_Gone._

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,_

_The giving up is the hardest part,_

_She takes you in with her crying eyes,_

_Then all at once you have to say goodbye,_

_Wondering could you stay, my love?_

_Will you wake up by my side?_

_No she can't,_

_Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone_

_Gone._

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?_

_Would you get them if I did?_

_No you won't,_

_Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone_

_Gone._

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,_

_The waking up is the hardest part._

Derek Shepherd was a man who rarely let himself think.

He preferred to keep himself occupied; whether it was with surgery, medical research or a bottle of scotch, he was never left empty handed or alone with his thoughts. Thinking was overrated. Thinking was stupid, depressing, painful, even. He knew exactly why he avoided his own mind.

He couldn't think without thinking of _her._

How did everything get so screwed up? Seven years, countless hoursit had been_,_ and yet _she_ was still in the back of his mind, flashing him her soft smile whenever he closed his eyes. It was the most beautiful smile in the world; so absolutely enticing and somewhat healing - but always accompanied by the immense amount of grief that rushed over him. Pain mixed with pleasure. He used to curl up in a ball on the bathroom tiles whenever she took over his mind, letting the water splatter down his shoulders, ruining suit after expensive suit – but when his wife had found out, that had been the first time he had seen that look; the look of pure regret in her eyes.

Derek knew he was not the good husband he had always pictured himself as. He never asked how his wife's day had been, he never called when he went out with Mark, he stayed at the hospital almost every night and he drank more than he should. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd had sex…

No, Derek wasn't the man she had fallen in love with. He was a shell, an utterly empty one, and he knew it. In clearer moments than this one he felt guilty for being a disappointment - he just simply couldn't care enough to make an effort to change things. For so long, the only thing on his mind had been _her_, finding _her_.

_She's dead, you know. _That was how his wife had put it on numerous occasions, wrapping her arms around him, kissing him softly. Her voice would be gentle. Her fingers would be cold and clammy when they caressed his forehead. And yet he would feel strangulated, trapped and held back.

_Yeah_ he would always mutter in answer, his tone unconvincing and his expression miles away. He wouldn't loose hope. Though everyone around him seemed to have given entirely up, he would never let her go.

She was alive.

_She had to be alive._

_She_ didn't die. She was simply not the type, not _that_ girl. She was too strong, had survived too much to give up on life now. Derek would know it if she was dead. He would be able to forget her and move on if she wasn't in this world anymore. Then he wouldn't see her face on every stranger on the street, hear her voice and loose all train of thought, he wouldn't _feel _her.

Right?

Was he fooling himself? Was it just that the thought of her leaving by own free will seemed less painful than the idea of her being dead? Was it just that he couldn't live in a world where she didn't exist? No. No, he couldn't believe that.

Derek's eyes tickled slightly, his breathing came in rough little gasps. He could feel the shivers making their way down his spine, slowly, torturously numbing his body but not his pain.

See, that was what happened when Derek Shepherd allowed himself to think.

Why was it hitting him so hard today? Today of all days, the first day of his new job, would be the day he got caught up in the memories of _her._ He just stood there, in the hospital's lobby, unable to move a muscle, unable to see the concerned, knowing looks exchanged between his wife and best friend.

Maybe it was the awareness of being in Seattle, the city where _she_ spend the first five years of her life. Maybe it was the fact that _she_ had made her way around this particular hospital, playing in the morgue, napping in on-call rooms, drawing on patient's charts and running from the nurses, all the things she had told him about. It was pathetic and stupid; but being in Seattle made him feel closer to _her_.

Derek was still completely frozen in place.

It was crazy; he was crazy, absolutely lingering on the edge of insane. But as he had entered Seattle Grace Hospital, he'd caught a scent so familiar, a scent he had grown accustomed to over many years, a scent that he hadn't inhaled for way too long. A scent that made his dull heart flutter and his reluctant mind wander.

The scent of lavender.


	2. Chapter 1: Burning

**Thank you so much for the awesome reviews! It's always nerve wracking to post something and put yourself out there…**

**It's going to take a while to find out why Derek feels the way he does. To get the full image, I'm going to take you back in time... Have faith!**

**Chapter 1: Burning**

_*** …20 years earlier ***_

The heat was almost unbearable.

"Don't be such a baby, Meredith! It's one night. You've managed before."

Those were the words that had left her mother's mouth. _Ellis, _she reminded herself. It was Ellis' mouth or even Dr. Grey's mouth. Meredith wasn't supposed to call Ellis mother, she knew that, she was just so… sleepy. And the warm air, lingering on the edge of uncomfortable, wrapped around her body like a cocoon…

_Don't be such a baby, Meredith!_

Meredith stomach curled into a tiny ball; she didn't mean to cause trouble, she really didn't! She couldn't stand being in the way - although she always was anyway.

But she just hated being in the house alone! It was so big and white and clean, too clean for Meredith. There were only essential furnishings; a couch, a TV, mattresses, loft lamps and the few candles lights, Meredith had lit to keep her company. All their other things were still in boxes.

She hadn't been able to fall asleep here. The never-ending Washington rain's light tapping on the windows was what usually sang her into blissful dreaming. Here, there was no rain, no nothing. They had been in Boston for a month and Meredith still hadn't felt the rain on her face or smelled the wet grass. This place sucked.

So she had made a scene. Meredith winced in horror at the memory; she had cried herself hoarse and begged and held on to her mother's leg until Ellis had had enough and looked down at her with absolute loathe in her eyes before storming out, smacking the door behind her. There was going to be hell for that little stunt later.

_It's one night. You've managed before._

Meredith was a big girl now. When you were five years old, you had to manage one night alone, she knew that. In Seattle, Meredith had spent the long nights in the hospital's day care but here, Ellis said, it would be a disadvantage if people knew she had a daughter. The guilt was heavy in Meredith's little chest. She had no right to be scared; still, she was. She was a selfish girl. There were other people, the patients; all the patients needed her mo- Ellis. And there was the – what was it? - Clinical trial, it was important, too, Meredith didn't know why. But it was a very big deal.

Why was it so _hot _in here? Meredith's eyes opened as she rolled out of the little ball she was curled into and sat up on her mattress. Her heart began to thud harder, almost painful, in her chest; why was everything so bright? Why was everything on _fire_? She really should try to get up, she thought, but her legs wouldn't allow it, they held their ground as Meredith was captivated and enthralled by the flames that surrounded her, who's heat stroked her skin gently, dancing above her head in a graceful ballet. It was mesmerizing; it was _alive._

An uncomfortable smell of smoke got to her nose and she suddenly had to fight to keep her eyes open. Something told her to be terrified. She just couldn't. This, this fire, was exactly what she needed: she needed the warmth.

Meredith willingly lay back on the mattress and drifted off.

"Dr. Forbes, close up for me, please."

Ellis Grey sounded almost nice as she pulled down her mask so her face gave away the little, self-congratulatory smirk. She was riding on yet another surgery high, so elevated a feeling that even the spirited, to put it mildly, scrub nurse and scared-speechless interns in the corner of the OR seemed slightly less worthless than usual.

Ellis let the water run over her fingers for a long time – scrubbing out was a cleansing, meditational ritual to her - catching a reflection of herself in the glass before her. She was 35 years old and still looked like a med student with clear, ivory skin and the bouncy light blonde curls that were framing her fragile cheekbones perfectly. Her jaw, though, held something stubborn as well as her bright green eyes under thick lashes and the self-secure way she moved around. The cinnamon-brown scrubs accentuated her lean frame nicely, almost as nicely as Seattle Grace's navy ones used to, but only almost.

Since the first and very successful clinical trial, Ellis' name, as well as her… difficult manners, had become quite widely known but no one who saw this woman would begin to think that she of all people was the so-called ruthless bitch and surgery-whore that was on everyone's lips these days.

Surgery was… everything. For so long, it had been the one stable thing in her life, the absolute one thing she could always be sure of, rely on whenever she needed it. There was always a logical reason to everything, from how a patient reacted to treatment to why you would use a certain scalpel when you had 15 to pick from, always a right and a wrong, a yes and a no. Surgery was trustworthy. Humans weren't.

Humans made too many mistakes. Humans fell in love; humans showed inappropriate emotions and broke down, they couldn't always explain their actions and they left a path of chaos and hurt in their trail. They told you they only cared about you and promised you to leave their wives and then they didn't…

Ellis shoved that last thought out of her head with resolution. It had been a month and she was _over_ – she swallowed hard as she had to think of his name – Richard fucking Webber. It was _so _over.

"Dr. Grey!" An urgent and slightly terrified voice broke through her inner ramblings. She noticed some irrelevant intern standing in the doorway, breathing like she'd been running through the whole hospital, wearing an uneasy and rather awestruck face.

"Yes?" Ellis snapped, already into her old ways, the surgery high all but forgotten. She scrubbed in and out of surgeries _alone _and undisturbed, she had made sure everyone knew that from day one. So why on earth was Dr. Kepner here, stealing her oxygen?

"I'm so sorry to bother you, Dr. Grey, but there has been a fire in your apartment and…"

"WHAT?"

"Yes, and it was apparently a big one but it's under control now. They found someone in there, though. A little girl," the intern added with a rather confused look on her face. Why would their new world-renowned general surgeon keep a child in her apartment? Could she have a daughter? No, Dr. Kepner thought to herself and felt rather juvenile. Ellis Grey didn't like people – and was definitely not the maternal kind. Plus, even though she looked absolutely stunning, who would dare to get close enough to her to knock her up? The intern's bewildered expression grew larger at Ellis' now outraged face.

_They found Meredith_, was her first thought. _Fucking great_.

She had been very careful with not letting her 5-year old daughter anywhere near the hospital and she had very close to killed anyone who had dared to ask any questions about her personal life.

This was Ellis' chance. A whole new hospital on the opposite coast where no one knew about her affair with a married man, her loser of an ex-husband, a place where her entire existence wasn't a daily topic in the hallways. And Meredith could ruin that in seconds.

If people knew she had a daughter, they would no doubt start with the questions again, questions Ellis would do anything to avoid. Worse than that, they would judge her; think she wasn't capable of doing her job while being a single mother. Think she was weak. With Chief of Surgery being an open position in a few months, Ellis couldn't afford to appear weak.

And now, a month of vigilantly hiding Meredith from the world seemed to be wasted.

"Have you told anyone about this?" Ellis asked, ice slipping into her low voice with every syllable. Her radiating green eyes were on fire. Dr. Kepner looked like she was about to pass out.

"N-no. I ran over here right away. I-I thought you'd want to hear i-immediately…"

"If you ever," Ellis tone was barely audible, despite her relief, as she glared into the tiny woman's panicky eyes, "_ever _mention this to anyone, I shall personally make sure that you will not see the inside of an OR until you're too injured by my very scalpel to actually care. I will make everyday miserable if you dare to even think about this. Am I making myself clear?"

Ellis towered over the intern who was beyond panic attack; she was rigid with angst.

"_Am I making myself clear, Dr. Kepner?_" Ellis hissed below her breath.

"Perfectly clear, Dr. Grey" the intern muttered.

Ellis somewhat relaxed as her brain began to function again. Her secret would be safe. As long as this irrelevant little intern remained scared shitless. She grabbed a towel.

"And the little girl? Is she alright?" She noticed Dr. Kepner let a large amount of air out when the exchange turned non-threatening.

"The girl inhaled a lot of smoke and is still unconscious - but she's stable. For now. They've already sent the ambulance so she'll be here in half an hour…"

"_Here?_" Ellis screeched, her body growing utterly tense as she almost dropped the towel. The intern turned stiff, too, expecting another fit of anger to roll off the edge of her boss' lips. "NO! No, don't take her here! For god's sake, take her to… New York. Mount Sinai." New York would be far away enough from Boston for anyone to notice. Ellis also knew and respected Chief Montgomery who worked there and he definitely wasn't one to gossip.

Dr. Kepner's eyes widened a little more if that was possible. "But Dr. Grey, it's not like she's out of danger, she needs to see a doctor immediately! We can't just…"

"You certainly can and you certainly will do what I say. Call for a helicopter. Tell them that _the_ Ellis Grey asked for a freaking jet. Buy one if you need to. Build one; I don't really care what you do. Make it happen."

Not needing further persuasion, the intern wheeled around on her toes. She hadn't gotten very far, though, before she was called back by the most hated voice she knew in that moment.

"Dr. Kepner. I'm not exactly done with you." At least the witch sounded calm, almost bored in fact. "Book me a ticket to New York. First class. But make it for tomorrow. I have three surgeries I don't want to miss scheduled for tonight."

With a long sigh, Ellis Grey dried her hands with the towel and made her way to the elevator, paging her resident to fill her in on her next case and forcing a yawn back down her throat. Ellis Grey didn't yawn but this was a special occasion. Trust useless little Meredith to need her when she had a Chief to impress.


	3. Chapter 2: A Feeling Of Home

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**Chapter 2: A feeling of home**

Slow night.

Carolyn Shepherd stifled a groan as she checked the clock for the thousandth time in five minutes. There were 73 long minutes left of her shift before she could catch a cab home and get comfortable with a footbath and a cup of tea.

Usually she wasn't one to complain about her long hours – being a nurse was truly her calling. She was patient, understanding, intelligent and hard working. But, she thought to herself, most importantly, she genuinely _cared._

It was just; lately she had tired a lot easier than normal. There were no point in denying it; her fatigue probably still had everything to do with the death of her husband. Carolyn felt that rather well known soreness in her chest – she couldn't believe it had been half a year since the disastrous day she was positive would always stay imprinted in the forefront of her consciousness. But Carolyn knew enough of life to realize that she would have to move on eventually. She was getting there; slowly but gradually, she was regaining her strength and will to live on, refusing to burn out.

A whole other problem was that her children didn't seem to be doing the same – another worry that was most likely contributing to Carolyn's constantly low energy level. Though all of her kids hung out at the Hanson's on her occasional night shifts and though the money she earned at the hospital were more than necessary, she couldn't shrug off the voice that told her she was a bad mother. Amelia and Joan were almost too small to grasp the concept of their father's death but they had both grown quite voiceless and reserved; Kathleen was relentlessly crying and Nancy, finding safety and normality in her big sister role, kept bickering at and confronting Derek.

Derek.

He alone was enough to keep Carolyn awake every night. After all, it was him who had witnessed the shooting without being able to do a thing about it. He had watched his father, the most invincible, reliable man in the world, fall to the floor; he had pressed his 5-year old little sister tightly into his chest, covering her ears as the second shot went off. Carolyn knew he was lonely; the girls had each other but the person Derek would normally find comfort in was no longer among them.

Carolyn's only son had always been such a charmer; with his absorbing blue eyes, soft, curly hair and natural charm, he had been the centre of attention – but now, the 11-year old was avoiding company, locking himself in his room.

This week, he had been convinced to go hiking with Mark Sloan, David Hanson and David's dad – to Carolyn this had been a burden taken off her shoulders. Derek had to live his life and if Mark couldn't bring some spirit to his eyes, she had no idea who could.

Bringing herself back to the present, Carolyn took another look at the clock. Another five minutes had passed. She knew she shouldn't be silently begging for a car crash or a bar fight but she found herself desperately in need of distraction – work was supposed to be an escape from the many worries in her life.

She instantly felt horrible when she in the quiet of the night heard a helicopter land a couple of floors above.

"Page someone from cardio!" Chief Montgomery called as he ran up to greet the helicopter. It wasn't often he tended to patients himself; unlike most surgeons he preferred bossing around to cutting people open – this had to be a VIP.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Meredith was burning out.

Every fibre in her body was on fire, a scorching, blazing fire that made her want to scream until the pain would stop. She couldn't. Her lungs were so sore.

She remembered the time she had broken her arm by falling down the stairs and the countless times she had scraped her knees, palms or forehead – some intern, hoping to please Ellis, would stitch her up. That was nothing. That was a blissful slumber wrapped into thousands of feather light blankets under the bright sun. That was floating in the ocean with a slight wind caressing her face.

This; this was a throbbing, burning, sweltering pain. This pain came from the inside, from her very centre, her very core, and it filled her up till there were no room left for anything but staggering ache.

She couldn't speak.

She couldn't move.

She couldn't breathe.

Maybe it was all for the best; Meredith was a pain in the behind when she cried – a sentence repeated so many times that it was always lingering in a corner of her mind. Don't cry, Meredith. Do _not _cry.

At this point, the empty black in her mind turned brighter. Suddenly everything was white and full of sparkles…

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

The next time Meredith was conscious, she heard a steady rhythm of beeps - beeps she recognized as the funny ones coming from a heart-machine. The familiar, sanitary smell hit her nose. Meredith's stomach curled and the beeps grew a little erratic. She was in the hospital? She wasn't allowed to be in the hospital! Her eyes flew open.

The room was quite small but almost homey compared to the mattress and unpacked boxes at the apartment. There were butterflies and puffy white clouds on the walls, a tiny TV and worn-out toys and whacked children's books scattered across a miniature table in the corner. The only light source was the bedside lamp. Meredith found the dark halls almost empty as she stole a glance through the window.

"You scared us there for a minute," she heard a voice from the door and saw a woman with pleasant brown eyes and dark hair piled up in a soft ponytail. The woman smiled soothingly and Meredith noticed the tiny wrinkles that framed her eyes and kind mouth.

Meredith tried to say something but instantly regretted it when she felt her throat burning. The woman moved swiftly to her side, holding the cup as the little girl's lips closed around the straw. Meredith savoured the water running down her throat, taking the pain with it, stopping the burning. She shifted uncomfortably under the soft hand that gently wiped her sweaty forehead.

"Are you a nurse?" Meredith asked in a hesitant, hoarse voice, not knowing why on earth this nice lady was touching her. Her articulation and grammar was uncommonly flawless for a 5-yearold.

"Yeah. I'm Carolyn." Smiling comfortingly, Carolyn bend down so Meredith wouldn't have to speak so loud.

"I'm Meredith Elizabeth Grey," Meredith informed her.

"Can I call you Meredith?" Carolyn asked, her voice slightly amused. Meredith paused indecisively. Then hear eyes cleared a little as a tiny smile spread over her features.

"I guess that's okay." She looked into the deep, cinnamon-coloured eyes but had to look away quickly. "Why am I in the hospital?"

Carolyn grabbed her hand. Meredith winced a little at the contact but didn't pull back. It felt okay, rather nice, actually.

"There was a fire in your apartment. You fainted because of all the smoke that got down in your lungs. You're all right, though. It's just going to take a little while to get it out of you again."

"That explains the burning" Meredith mumbled and coughed a few times. When she was done, Carolyn had filled the cup and held it to her mouth again.

"Thank you," Meredith acknowledged her. Then her face fell ever so slightly and she cringed. "My mother's going to give me hell."

Carolyn's heart broke for the little girl that was so alone. She had overheard some intern tell Chief Montgomery that the little VIP girl's mother wouldn't arrive until tomorrow afternoon – well, today, technically. It was around 2 am. Carolyn had a hard time comprehending the fact that she the mother wasn't here already. If one of her kids were injured (the thought alone filled her with endless amounts of pain, especially after her husband's passing away), she would have been by his or her side in an instant. She would never in a thousand years have left it to a complete stranger to wipe her child's forehead and hold her hand.

"I'm sure she won't be angry with you," she soothed the little girl, who's heart rate had gone radically up. "She'll just be happy you are still here with us."

Not seeming to believe her, Meredith began to sniffle quietly, never actually shedding any tears. "She'll hate me even more. I wasn't supposed to go to the hospital. Ellis, that's my mother, she doesn't want the hospital-people to know she has me 'cause she's a doctor…"

Carolyn saw the hurt buried deep in the little girls fragile green eyes and felt her own body fill with uncharacteristic resentment towards the unknown woman that was too busy to see her own daughter. What kind of mother would tell her own child she didn't want people to know of her existence? A mother, certainly not a mom.

"Don't worry about that right now sweetheart." The little endearment rolled easily off Carolyn's tongue and though Meredith's eyes widened a little, she couldn't help but smile timidly. "You don't have to worry about a thing. Just try to get better."

It was not unusual for Carolyn Shepherd to feel an instant connection with the patients she tended to; but this girl was special. Lonely, probably more so than the surface Carolyn had scratched a little in. Carolyn was lonely, too, even though her family was always around her. She was a widow. She was close to being gone. But the soft green eyes that were shaped like almonds and framed in little brown lashes apparently had a strange way of making her feel a little bit more… there.

Laying safely in her hospital bed, snuggling into the pillow, looking into Carolyn's healing eyes and having her hand held by a soft, warm palm, Meredith truly felt like she didn't have to worry, at least not in this particular moment. She could effortlessly shove her qualms away for now and simply enjoy the feeling of home - it was suddenly more pronounced here than in the apartment in Boston or even the house in Seattle before that.


	4. Chapter 3: Did you light the candles?

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**Chapter 3: Did you light the candles?**

"Where is my daughter?"

Carolyn's eyes fluttered open to the loud voice. She had been drifting off. Not only had she stayed longer than she had to last night, she had come to work early to check up on Meredith. She had found the little girl in deep, healing sleep as she had continued to be all day. Now, it was almost 5 pm.

Carolyn had a hard time staying away from the girl. She had seen into her eyes last night and seen so much hurt, so much pain that had nothing at all to do with the accident. It felt cruel to leave Meredith all to herself, even if she was asleep, when she deserved a big, caring family to hold her hands, fondle her hair and kiss her cheeks sore. So Carolyn had taken the job upon herself to monitor the girl whenever she had a minute to spare.

"Dr. Grey! It's so nice to have you here, even under these unfortunate circumstances…" Carolyn raised her eyebrows at Chief Montgomery' tone. Her bitchy (there really was no other word for it) Chief did not _do _polite let alone suck-up. Who was this woman?

"Whatever, Dr. Montgomery. I don't have all day. Take me to my daughter." The voice was harsh, demanding even. Nobody got away with talking to the Chief like that. Carolyn had a bad feeling. _Take me to my daughter,_ the woman, Dr. Grey, had said. Grey. What if this was Meredith's…

She didn't get to finish her thought as the door burst open. In entered a beautiful, blonde woman in her thirty's and Chief Montgomery, clearly out of breath, his red hair, stained with grey, unusually messy after trying to keep up with her. Neither of them acknowledged Carolyn who was shifting uneasily around in her chair by the corner.

Chief Montgomery stopped when he saw Meredith curled up into a tiny ball, using only a third of the bed, but the woman walked directly up to her sleeping daughter.

"Meredith! Wake up!" The little girl wrapped her arms tighter around herself but didn't stir. Dr. Grey tugged at her arm, not bothering to be gentle. Meredith automatically flinched and opened her eyes. All the emotion, the glimpse of safety Carolyn had seen in her eyes yesterday seemed to fade away as Meredith realized where she was.

"Mother…" It was a deep, throaty murmur. Carolyn knew that her lungs had to be very sore just about now.

"Meredith!" Her mother all but screeched and removed her hand with a disgusted face, like she didn't want to touch her daughter. "How many times do I have to tell you that you can't call me that? It's childish and it's unprofessional here in the hospital!"

Meredith's eyes filled with tears as Carolyn glared disbelievingly at the blonde woman, Ellis, Meredith had said the day before. What the hell?

Chief Montgomery, who seemed to be enjoying the reprimand immensely if you judged on the sparkle in his eyes and his arrogant posture, cleared his throat gracelessly and seemed to shrink under the questioning glower of Ellis Grey.

"I, uh… I'm going back to my board meeting now so… I'll leave you to it." He practically ran out of the room, his eyes reluctantly glancing at the mother and daughter; like he had to leave in the middle of an exciting movie. Ellis spun around to face her daughter again.

"Meredith," the tone was quiet but intimidating and caused a whimper to escape the 5-yearold's lips. "Why was there a fire in my apartment?"

Meredith gazed down for the longest time. When she lifted her head and looked into her mother's eyes, all traces of crying were gone. Her expression had become completely indifferent.

"I… I don't know." Her voice barely shook but it did and Carolyn noticed. Meredith was on the edge of tears.

"You don't know," Ellis stated, still suspiciously calm but with loathe in her every word.

"No."

"Do you know what the fire fighter told me?" She waited till her daughter shook her head in no. "He told me they found traces of candles. Near the curtains. Did you light the candles?"

Meredith's eyes were getting teary again; Carolyn could see that she was forcing the emotions back in. She couldn't help but think that a 5-yearold should never be able to do that.

Ellis's voice was below a murmur.

"Did you?"

Meredith winced and looked up.

"Yes" she whispered, defeated.

Ellis gave Meredith the iciest look Carolyn had ever seen. She felt the hairs on her neck and arms standing and a sudden cold run down her spine.

No one said anything for the longest time. Then Ellis began to speak.

"Meredith. You're the most stupid, useless girl in the world. You are soft and thoughtless like your father. You are a coward like your father. You've ruined everything for me! I can't believe I decided to keep you. I can't believe you're my daughter, Meredith."

The room was spinning and Meredith couldn't breathe. It was all her fault. She was a failure. She had set the apartment on fire. She had troubled her mother. She had been weak; and if you were weak, you couldn't be Ellis Grey's daughter.

She felt a gentle hand on her forehead and a straw pressing against her mouth. She willingly formed her lips around the straw and sucked, relishing the water that soothed the burning.

Ellis sighed rather loudly.

"Nurse, stop tending to her every need. She's getting enough attention out of this as it is. All my surgical tapes, all the diaries, gone…" The last sentence was muttered under her breath.

Don't cry, Meredith. _Do not cry._

She couldn't help it. She couldn't hold it back any longer. Her body quivered with the quiet whimpers that soon became violent sobs.

Ellis looked outright disgusted with her daughter's emotional outburst. She shrugged the tiny knot in her stomach off and grabbed Meredith's chart, skimming over the pages with a slightly bored facial expression, paying no attention at all to the 5-yearold's broken frame.

"Come on, Meredith. We're going back to Boston." Meredith, who was having a hard time containing the sniffles, felt her last fragment of hope shattering to the floor; as had she been sentenced to death. It wasn't that far off: she had been sentenced to exile, to isolation. She would not have friends or hobbies or tea parties like normal girls at her age – then again, when had Meredith ever been a normal girl? She had been stupid to think… Just for a second she had allowed herself to believe that this, the fire, this accident, would change everything. How could she be so brainless?

Meredith swung her legs to the side and forced herself up in a sitting position, doing her best to ignore how broken her body felt. She was dizzy; black and white spots kept appearing before her.

Then she heard a voice.

"You can't do this."


	5. Chapter 4: It's Not Your Fault

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**Chapter 4: It's not your fault**

"You can't do this."

Ellis, who was impatiently leaning in the doorframe, looked up from the little black leather book she was frantically writing in to find the source of the voice. Annoyed when she found that it came from no other than some random nurse, she began to write again.

"Watch me," she muttered under her breath.

Carolyn wasn't angry; she was furious, literally fuming with rage, emotions that were quite unknown to her. For the longest time she had not been able to look away from the little girl that seemed even smaller when she sat, trying desperately to hold her own torso up. Now, she realized, she had to do something. Fast.

"You can't talk like that to your own child. Can't you see how much you're hurting her?"

Meredith flinched and Carolyn got the impression that she was ashamed of herself for not hiding her emotions better. She walked over to the bed and gently wrapped her arms around the tiny person who couldn't help but lean into the soft embrace. Ellis pretended not to hear anything and kept writing with furious swiftness.

"Dr. Grey." Ellis flinched and involuntarily looked up to the sound of her name. "Meredith is five years old. She's wounded and tired and immensely scared. She doesn't need to be yelled at right now."

"Nurse." Ellis Grey looked like she had smelled something bad. "It's really none of your business. And as I'm an extremely well-educated surgeon and the patient in question's mother while you are nothing more than a plain nurse who furthermore has no reason to be in this room, I should be the judge of what Meredith needs, don't you think?"

"Clearly you can't take care of her!" Carolyn exploded. "You just don't leave a 5-yearold alone in an apartment!"

"If Meredith wasn't so immature and plain stupid, everything would have worked out just fine…"

"This is not her fault! She didn't know the candles could start a fire – how could she know when nobody has told her? You have to tell her that! But you make her feel like it's her fault! You don't even worry that your daughter almost died. Stop shattering her confidence by telling her how awful she is!"

"Meredith needs a sense of reality. She's too much like her father, a dreamer, and my daughter can't be a dreamer; she has to be a doer. Dreamers get nowhere in life!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and forced her voice down when she saw little tears in Meredith's eyes again.

"Look, Dr. Grey. Clearly you don't have enough time to do your job and take care of your daughter at the same time. I'm going to have to call social services…" She trailed of as Ellis Grey's face went white. The blonde beauty pondered that for a minute, her features expressionless. Then she seemed to make a decision.

"You know what?" She asked, her voice back to being impassive, almost bored. "I don't have time for this. I don't want to do this." She took a last look at Meredith and walked out of the room.

Carolyn stood frozen with her arms around Meredith for the longest time. She had to come back. No mother would ever leave a child like that. It must be impossible, even for a woman like Dr. Grey.

And yet, Carolyn had a feeling that she wasn't coming back, that this was final and irrevocable.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"You must be starving, dear. I'll fix you something to eat. My brownies have quite the reputation, you know?"

Meredith didn't answer. She hadn't really said anything since Ellis left, had just continued to stare out the window as the bright city lights lit up her face. Carolyn couldn't see whether she was distracted by the greatness of New York, flashing by the car, or just deep in thought.

"Meredith?" The little girl looked up with a blank expression. "Would you like me to make you brownies when we get home, sweetheart?"

Meredith smiled, a timid, broken smile. Still, it was there.

"No thank you, Carolyn," she said in a voice that was too grown up for her own good. "I'm not really hungry."

All the flashing lights were gone as they got to out of the big city and into the suburb. Smaller houses with gardens and driveways had replaced the tall buildings and skyscrapers – here was slightly quieter. Carolyn suddenly swung left and pulled into a driveway that belonged to a big white house with a nice little foreyard.

"We're here" Carolyn smiled and leaned over to stroke Meredith on the cheek and pretended not to notice that the girl winced slightly. Meredith unbuckled her seatbelt and jumped out of the car. Carolyn locked the doors and held out her hand for Meredith to take it; she did, after a second of hesitation.

"You're ready? She asked, trying to decipher the emotions in Meredith's face. She couldn't. Meredith nodded.

GAGAGAGAGAGA

"We're home!" Carolyn yelled when she opened the front door. Meredith hesitantly stepped in behind her.

"Mommy!" Meredith heard someone giggle, before an older voice yelled: "what do you mean _we're _here?" Carolyn had no time to answer before four girls, all very noisy in Meredith's ears, loudly entered the entre. They stopped talking, however, when they spotted Meredith, who was halfway hiding behind Carolyn.

"Who is _she?_" the girl who looked oldest asked. They were all staring intensely at her; Meredith wanted to magically disappear.

"Nancy, be nice. Girls, this is Meredith. She's going to stay here with us for a while."

"Doesn't she have her own family?" The girl who was Nancy snorted.

"No," Carolyn simply answered and wanted to roll her eyes at her daughter. She could feel how uncomfortable Meredith was with them all focusing on her.

"Meredith, this is my daughter Nancy. She's 13. Then there's Kathleen, she's 12. Joan over there is 8. And this is Amelia. She's 5 years old like you, so you should get along just fine."

The girls stood very still, measuring each other for the longest time. Then Amelia broke the silence.

"You like dolls, Meredith?" she asked with a serious expression on her tiny, heart-shaped face.

Meredith nodded, her look just as grave.

"Do you have any dolls?" Deadpanned.

"No." It was the first word she had spoken and her voice broke a little.

Amelia deliberated for a moment. Then she smiled.

"You can borrow one of mine then. Come and play with me, Meredith."

Carolyn couldn't help but smile as her youngest daughter accepted Meredith completely. Then she noticed the worn look on Meredith's face. The girl was barely able to stand by herself.

"Maybe that should wait until tomorrow girls. Meredith is very tired." Meredith looked up and Carolyn's heart melted when the little girl flashed a grateful smile, a real smile at her.

"Let's get you settled then. You can stay in Derek's room until we find something more permanent. Derek, that's my son. He's on a camping trip with his best friends right now so he won't mind…" She realized that Meredith had stopped listening a while ago. Carolyn smiled at the girls who where still staring at Meredith, nothing hostile, only curiosity in their eyes.

"I'll make us dinner in a minute; I just need to tuck Meredith in." The girls nodded and went back to what they were doing before. Their laughter was a little muffled by the walls.

"Looks like you just found yourself a friend there," Carolyn commented and Meredith tried to smile. Only she was using all her energy on standing straight. Carolyn's little amused laughter suddenly seemed far away and she felt arms around her waist. Meredith automatically swung her arms around Carolyn's neck and buried her face in the thick, brown locks. The next thing she knew, she was dressed in Amelia's old pyjamas and tucked in under a thick blue blanket with fish on.

Carolyn sat beside the little girl who looked like she was about to faint any moment but still couldn't close her eyes. She let her hand go through the blonde curls.

"Meredith. What's on your mind sweetie?"

Meredith looked up into Carolyn's eyes, yet she seemed so far away.

"She's really gone, isn't she?" Her voice broke on gone. Carolyn's heart jolted. What should she say? She felt like she should spare the little girl, but her soft green eyes demanded to know the truth.

"I think so, sweetie."

Meredith looked down and her hands went into rigid fists.

"Because of me."

"Honey, none of this is your fault. Your mother shouldn't have left you alone in the apartment. Meredith, don't let yourself think like that! This is not your fault."

Meredith nodded but looked unconvinced. Carolyn sighed and kissed her on the forehead.

"Try to get some sleep, sweetheart. We'll talk again tomorrow." She stood up, turned the lights off and closed the door softly behind her.

"I'll try" Meredith whispered and stared up in the ceiling.


	6. Chapter 5: A Member Of The Family

**Chapter 5: A member of the family**

"Mom!"

Carolyn yawned and tried to adjust her eyes to the dark room. Suddenly she felt a cold hand pushing her in the side.

"Momma! Wake up!"

"Amelia…" Carolyn whispered and put her fingers around her daughter's wrists to stop her from shoving again. "Go back to sleep sweetie…"

"No mom, you've got to wake up, it's Meredith…"

"Meredith?" Carolyn asked and was suddenly more awake.

"Yes, Meredith! She won't stop screaming! It's getting really annoying, 'cause she's really really loud and I can hear her through the wall, so I woke Joan up and then Nancy came out of her room and told me I should go get you…"

While Carolyn realized that her daughter's urgent voice was less concerned than simply annoyed, she let Amelia go and sat up. Had it been too soon to take the girl home? Should she have stayed another night in the hospital? Carolyn ignored the 5-yearold's ongoing complaints and rushed down the hallway, where Joan stood in her pyjamas, hands covering ears, next to a very sceptical-looking Nancy, but paused when she heard a scream that pieced right through her body.

"NO! STOP! PLEASE, STOP! S-S-STOP THE BURNING! IT'S B-BURNING! STOP-" the sound was abruptly cut off and followed by a choking sound.

Carolyn opened the door to Derek's room; the sight of Meredith made her heart curl before it broke into a sprint.

The little girl was deathly pale and covered in a thin film of sweat, her cheeks red and tearstained; the thick, blue blanket was on the floor, probably due to Meredith's uncontrolled thrashing. Blond, sweaty hair was all over the pillow, tangled into her little hand. She was coughing violently like she was throwing up; but nothing came out between the lips that were bloody from her teeth grinding down on them.

"Meredith, honey, wake up. It was a dream, sweetie, just a bad dream, just a dream honey…" Carolyn whispered in a voice that she felt was probably a little too vexed for real comfort. When she put her hand on Meredith's iron hot forehead, the girl stopped coughing.

"Make it stop… Make it STOP! Stop the b-b-burning…"

"Shhh, Meredith, wake up. Wake up honey." Carolyn ignored Meredith's unrestrained movements and wrapped her arms around the tiny body while she continued to whisper soothing words: "Wake up sweetheart, it's just a dream, just a very bad dream…"

And after a few minutes, Meredith began to relax into Carolyn's embrace.

"I'm s-s-sorry mom," she whispered and curled closer to the tight arms she was in; as the tears began to run down her face again at a violent pace. "It's all my fault, I'm s-sorry… It burns, mom…"

"Meredith," Carolyn mumbled, her voice velvet soft but loud enough to make the girl in her arms stir. "Meredith, it's not real. Wake up honey."

Meredith's eyes finally flew open; it took her exactly two seconds to realize where she was before she automatically recoiled from Carolyn's hold.

Carolyn tightened her grip around Meredith. It should never be a reflex to coil away from embraces, she couldn't help but think. Especially not when you were five years old.

"I am so sorry, Carolyn," Meredith whispered in a rough voice that broke the absolute quiet; still, her perfect pronunciation was immediately back. "I had a bad dream, it was just a bad dream." It sounded like a mantra, like she was trying to convince herself, too.

"Meredith," Carolyn whispered for the umpteenth time that night and waited until she had the girl's full attention. "It's not your fault. You know that right?"

"Yes" Meredith nodded without meeting the woman's eyes.

Carolyn had no idea what to do. What could she possibly say that would make anything better for the girl in her arms? That her mother had left her, simply left her without any, as far as Carolyn could see, intention or promise to come back, simply giving her up, declaring she was a disappointment? That she was better off without her mother? That she didn't know what the future could hold for Meredith? No matter what she thought to say, it didn't seem right, it seemed cruel.

She could sense that Meredith blamed herself and knew that she would have to realize the truth for herself – she could not be told, she would shrug it off without listening. All she could hope was that Meredith would soon forgive herself.

"Carolyn?" Meredith's timid voice broke her train of thought.

"Yeah?"

"Can I just stay in here for a while? I really want to be alone."

"Sure. I'll leave you to get some sleep." Carolyn stood up.

"Sleep…" Meredith muttered sceptically and Carolyn could sense that she was scared of having another nightmare.

"Just try," she said with an encouraging smile. "Your body is really exhausted from the other day. It needs its rest."

"Okay," Meredith agreed, not very convincing but seeming to not want to start an argument – another thing a 5-yearold shouldn't be able to do, Carolyn thought, avoid confrontations like that. A tiny smile spread over Meredith's flushed features. "Goodnight Carolyn."

Carolyn felt her heart swell painfully; how this tiny angel had not been loved, praised, absolutely _adored_ all her life was a mystery. But somehow, in some cruel joke of the universe, the girl had gotten the most uncaring, selfish mother Carolyn could imagine; she was a broken little girl, a girl who knew kinds of pain that some adults couldn't even dream of, carried weight on her shoulders that should pin her to the ground for good.

Still, through all of this, there was something in there somewhere. When Meredith flashed her bright little smile, you could see it in her, something Ellis Grey, though certainly attempting to, had not managed to break. And that gave Carolyn hope.

"Goodnight Meredith," she whispered and left the room, making a mental note to contact social services first thing in the morning.

GAGAGAGAGAGA

"But was is she doing here?" Nancy insisted. Again, Carolyn found herself fighting against the urge to roll her eyes at her daughter; praying that the 13-yearold's intense pigheadedness was just a phase of early adolescence and would fade away with time. The fact that she had been woken up in the middle of the night and that all her daughters were now very much awake did not help with the irritation.

"Meredith is alone in the world right now; she needs help and we happen to be able to help her. She's just been trough something horrible. Give her some time."

"But-"

"But what, Nancy?" Carolyn asked, exasperated.

"Why does she have to stay _here_? She's strange. And it's not like we _have _to keep her, you could just take her back to the hospital-"

"I will do no such thing." Carolyn's voice was calm but her chilly tone made it clear that this decision would not be altered. "Meredith is going to stay here at least until she is healed, longer if she needs to. You four are going to treat her like a member of the family. You will talk to her and you will play with her - when she's ready."

And Carolyn's facial expression was one that left even Nancy in unusually quiet agreement.


	7. Chapter 6: I'm Going In

**Ok, so parts of this update may seem a little random but hey, that's my writing… random and at times without sense of direction…**

**Chapter 6: I'm going in**

"When will they get here?" Joan asked, her voice bright with fresh excitement.

"I don't know honey. It could take a while," Carolyn answered and smiled at her daughter who was literally bouncing up and down at the prospect of seeing her big brother again. The smile didn't reach the eyes, though. Carolyn had a hard time trying to forget the dead look that had constantly been in Derek's eyes the last six months. She would keep up her hope, mostly for her little girls, but she wasn't convinced that a camping trip could have made her son snap out of his depression.

On the other side, Mark and David were her last hope. Maybe Derek needed time with boys for a change, needed to clear his head in the fresh air.

"But when Derbear gets back, where will Meredith be?" Kathleen asked, real concern in her voice. It was so like her to consider everyone.

Nancy snorted, rolling her eyes. "Can't we just take her back to-?"

"No," Carolyn announced in a firm voice, making Nancy stare at her feet with the corners of her mouth twitching down in a grimace. "No, she's staying here for now. We'll figure something out."

"But she's no fun!" Amelia huffed; clearly disappointed that she hadn't gotten around to show off the dolls to the new girl. "She doesn't _do _anything, she's just in Der's room all day…"

"I know sweetheart, just give her some time," Carolyn plastered on her fake smile, repeating a sentence she had repeated so many times in the last two days that the words no longer made any sense to her.

Because two days it had been, two days since she had woken Meredith up from her nightmare, two days since Meredith had been crying on her shoulder. There had been no nightmares, not a single sound; but by the looks of it, that was because Meredith had not slept at all. The girl had an unhealthy pale complexion and dark shadows under her eyes

She hadn't said much these last two days. As a matter of fact, Amelia was absolutely right; she didn't do much. Meredith had stayed in Derek's room all day and hadn't touched the food Carolyn brought her.

Carolyn knew that her own words were true; she had to give the girl time. But Meredith had inhaled a lot of smoke and her body had to heal. It couldn't when it didn't get rest or nutrition at all.

And after all, Carolyn had hoped for progress in Meredith, but it seemed like the emotional outburst had scared the girl into silence – like they were going backwards.

To top it off, social services had yet to speak directly to Dr. Grey; they were getting her voicemail and couldn't reach her at the hospital. That woman was apparently always in surgery, always working. Although Carolyn's heart was breaking for the girl who's mother hadn't bothered to get in touch with her in the last two days, a little part of Carolyn was glad. The fact that Ellis hadn't made any contact certainly made it clear to everyone, including social services, that she wasn't fit to take care of Meredith.

Carolyn sighed. It was crazy, she barely knew the girl… but if Meredith was going to need foster care… why not take her in?

"They're here!"

Carolyn's head snapped up and she looked out the window in time to see Mr. Hanson's enormous car make its way up the driveway. It was really too big; the family consisted of only David and his father since the mother had moved out two years ago. Of course the size of the car made it perfect for camping trips.

"Girls, calm down!" she yelled after her four daughters who had whirled past her and into the hallway.

"Yeah, stop being so childish all the time, seriously, you're giving me headache," Carolyn heard Nancy say and shook her head at her 13-yearold daughter's attempt at maturity.

Then there was a loud noise followed by the other three girl's laughter.

"Oh now you throw shoes at me? That's really mature…"

"But we're children, we're supposed to be childish!" Joan sniggered and Kathleen and Amelia quickly joined in.

"Yeah, give us a break Nance. Der's home now so you can just go back to picking on him…"

"I don't pick on Der!"

"Suuure you don't, Nance," Joan agreed in a too-innocent voice. There was another loud noise followed by another peal of laughter.

"Hey!" Joan grinned. "I thought you were too mature to throw shoes at people?"

"Oh I'm only just getting started" Nancy growled but Carolyn could hint a smile behind the harsh tone.

"Girls," she called again as she walked out to them. "Behave."

The girls settled into silence.

"Yes Nancy, behave" Joan then smirked and Nancy ignored her but couldn't quite keep the scowl off her face.

There was a loud thud on the door.

"I'll get it!" Kathleen ran to get the door, closely followed by Joan and Amelia while Nancy decided to walk in a more dignified pace like her mother.

"We're back!" A familiar voice announced. Kathleen opened the doors and in came Mark, covered in mud. Right behind him was a just as soiled David and all the girls squealed loudly, complaining that the boys were dirty.

Then entered a man with warm, brown eyes and a nice smile, carrying several heavy bags. He grinned at Carolyn who couldn't help but grin back.

"Ah, Mr. Hanson. I see you brought two of the boys back in one piece, but please, do tell me what you have done with my son." He really did have a nice smile, Carolyn thought.

"You can call me Craig anytime dear," he laughed and small wrinkles around his eyes showed. "And as for your son, Derek is-"

"Right here mom," a voice muttered behind Craig. Derek was carrying a backpack and was even muddier than the other boys. Carolyn's heart dropped when she saw the cold look on his little face; Derek was exactly how he was before he had left, sulky and quiet.

"Hey loser, you missed me?" Nancy smirked. Derek's face didn't change at all; it was like he had not heard her at all.

Craig noticed the sombre expression that Carolyn's face had become and patted her shoulder.

"Can I invite myself in for a quick cup of coffee before I get Mark and David home? It's been a long drive" he asked and winked at her.

"Of course," Carolyn nodded, barely able to keep the concern out of her voice.

"I'm going to shower," Derek mumbled and headed for the stairs.

"Has he been like that all week?" Carolyn asked once they were alone in the kitchen. The kids had gone off to the living room and high-pitched cartoon-voices were now coming out of the TV.

"Pretty much" Craig sighed and accepted the coffee cup with a grateful nod. "He only talked when he absolutely had to and stayed inside the tent most of the time; although I'm almost sure he didn't get any sleep at all. When he finally spoke this morning, he offended both Mark and David so much they wouldn't talk to him the whole drive home."

Carolyn hid her head in her hands.

"I-… I really hoped it would help him to get a little away from all this. I would have gone away with him myself much sooner if I wasn't so busy at the hospital and now it seems like it didn't help at all. I don't know what to do…" Tears were gathering at the corners of his eyes. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up to find Craig closer than she expected, smiling sympathetically at her.

"I, um, I don't mean to insult you, but have you considered professional help?"

"What, like a shrink?" Carolyn laughed a humourless laughter. Craig nodded. "I can't say I haven't thought about it. I actually suggested it about a week after the incident. I got some counselling and the girls had a talk with Dr. Andrews, too, but Derek simply refused. I don't want to make him do something he doesn't want to do. Although, if it keeps going like this, it might be…" Carolyn couldn't say no more, afraid that her voice would shake too much.

"In his best interest" Craig finished.

"Yeah."

"Well, if you need anything-"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T GO INTO MY ROOM?" a loud voice asked from upstairs. Carolyn took one look at Craig who mouthed 'go' before she ran upstairs.

Derek, wet-haired and in a clean t shirt, and Nancy were standing outside the door who held a sign that read 'Derek' in fat, blue types. Amelia was clinging to the wall, obviously blocking the way.

"Mom says we have to leave Meredith alone and give her some time," she said, stubbornly sticking her chin out. She noticed Carolyn carefully approaching. "Tell him mom!"

"Mom!" Derek protested.

"Derek, we have a visitor and she's not feeling so well. We let her use your room while you were away. You don't really mind, do you?" Carolyn asked, carefully observing him; he seemed so far from his former cheerful, charming self. Maybe that self was gone for good. The thought pierced through her as she silently grieved for what felt like the loss of her son.

Derek seemed to deliberate that for a moment. Then anger, a lot of which probably had nothing to do with the current situation, overtook his features.

"Oh really? You just assumed that I wouldn't mind? That I'd let some dumb girl move into my room? Well, here's some news for you. I _do_ mind!"

"Derek!" Carolyn protested and it suddenly hit her, why it was so hard looking at him. He looked so much like his father, the thick black curls, the slightly crooked nose, the earnest blue eyes; only Christopher's eyes had never held the hatred that his son's held now.

"You know what?" Derek asked after a second of consideration. "This is bullshit. I'm going in." And with that he shoved a scowling Amelia out of the way and went into his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Mama! He wasn't supposed to do that!" Amelia screamed, outraged.

"I know sweetie," Carolyn sighed.

"Well are you going in to get him?" Nancy asked.

"No." Carolyn hesitated and plastered a smile on her face for the sake of her daughters. "No, let's just go downstairs and give him some time to cool off. "

**Let's see what Derek and Meredith will think of each other… next update **


	8. Chapter 7: We Won't Break

**Hey! Didn't update all weekend because I was joining the circus my step uncle owns… Anyways I'm back now, pretty much updating every day! **

**This is a moment I've been waiting for – I hope you like it because I kind of do!**

**Chapter 7: We won't break**

As Derek slammed the door behind him, he was a little taken aback by the air in the room that was too warm and smelled exactly like someone had spent several days without fresh air in there. He ignored the body he could see was sprawled on the bed and went to open the window.

It was not a sunny day; heavy grey clouds overshadowed the sky. Still, it was a perfectly clear view from his window; he could see small drops of water, clinging on to the grass straws on the lawn where he had spend so many hours. Joan's pealing laughter, Mark's freckled face lit up in a grin, David sneaking up on Nancy and Kathleen, whispering under the trees, Amelia clueless and stumbling around, his mother's content smile, his father's blue eyes…

He stopped right there. Knowing that there would never ever be another day like that, it still hurt to think of the good times.

Derek knew he was being unreasonable to his mother and sisters. Mark and David, too. He was the man of the family now; he was supposed to be strong enough to hold them all together. But after 6 months, he was still not able to close his eyes without hearing the gunshot, see his father fall to the floor with an inhuman thud. He couldn't talk about it to anyone, that especial helpless pain felt so private, not something he was supposed to share and inflict on other people.

Derek was taken out of his thoughts when a timid voice broke the silence.

"They miss you."

He slowly turned and looked at the girl. She was tiny, no more than four or five years old, skinny; too skinny. Her blonde hair lay wildly sprawled around her head on the pillow, beautifully framing her pale pace. The dark rims under her eyes seemed engraved in her face. He meant to scowl at the little girl but she seemed too fragile, too precious.

"What do _you _know?" he asked and was displeased that he sounded more curious than harsh. She smirked and it was a pitiful impression of a smirk; still, it was there.

"When they talk about you, they get this look in their eyes – like they're mourning you or something."

"What, like I'm dead?" Derek's voice broke on the word _dead_ and he swallowed. This shouldn't come as a surprise to him; still, it cut him deep.

"Like they lost you" the girl whispered like there was a considerable difference and her serious eyes caught his. Derek knew he could not distrust her in any way. How could she possibly know this?

He sat down on the bed beside her.

"So what's your story?" he asked, easily comfortable around her. She was the first person he had wanted to talk to in 6 months, even if it was just small talk.

She tensed beside him. Then she giggled softly, a small giggle with enormous significance. It was a nice sound that instantly made his mouth twitch up in the corners.

Meredith. That was what Amelia had called her. Meredith.

"I don't have a story. I'm just a girl on a bed."

Derek smiled and enjoyed how it felt to use his mouth that way again. She made him smile!

"Well then I'm just a boy on a bed," he mumbled and she giggled again.

"No you're not, silly. You're Derek."

"You've got a point there," he agreed easily.

"Derek Shepherd," she whispered, tasting the words in a gentle voice that made it sound like she was high or something. "The lost son returns…"

"You should get some sleep." She really should, she looked like she hadn't slept in days – just like himself, Derek supposed.

"I don't want to go to sleep," Meredith muttered.

"And why not?"

"I'm afraid of dreaming."

"Ah, so you have bad dreams?"

Meredith lay there in silence for a moment. She had told him the truth without even thinking about it; why was it that she instantly trusted him with her secrets? The eyes, she decided, you can't distrust those eyes.

"Meredith?" Derek asked, regaining her attention.

"Just one," she admitted. "Just one nightmare." She expected him to ask what the nightmare was about. He never did; he just lay there in peaceful silence for a minute. Then…

"I have a nightmare, too."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

She had to be older than 5, she sounded mature way beyond her body.

Did he want to tell her about it? He had no idea how to put his words, they were floating around in his head, refusing to come together and form into sentences. He lay down on the bed and crawled in under the blanket when Meredith lifted it up in invitation. He was instantly warmed up.

"I- I just- I wake up and… I realize it's not real, but still I…" Derek trailed off; he didn't know what to say. To think that he was about to pour his mind open to a girl not half his age! He looked down at her; for a moment he thought she had lost interest but then…

"You wake up and feel like you are going to break into a million little pieces, like it's impossible to hold yourself together." She pursed her lips and he swore he saw a faint glimmer of a tear in her eye.

Derek nodded wistfully.

"Hold me together, Derek," Meredith said. As soon as the words were out, her eyes widened and she looked up at him, terrified of rejection. Derek hesitated for a tiny fraction of a second before he wrapped his arms around her like it was the most natural thing in the world. Her arms wrapped around him too and he drowned in a long forgotten feeling of safety.

"Derek."

"Yeah."

"Promise me I won't break." Meredith's voice was grave with sleep. Derek felt his own eyes become heavy.

"You won't break," Derek declared and closed his eyes.

"Okay," Meredith said, she trusted him blindly in that moment.

"We won't break, Meredith."

"Derek?" Carolyn whispered, fearing the worst at she gently pushed the door to her son's room open. It had been a couple of hours. Surely, Derek must have calmed down by now.

What she hadn't expected was the sudden swell in her heart at the sight that met her eyes.

The two children were cradling into each other, their arms so tight. Meredith let out a soft snore that broke through the silence.

It was unbelievably cute, of course. But that was not what made Carolyn leave the room with a huge, genuine grin on her face.

Derek, content in Meredith's arms, in deep sleep had a smile, an actual smile, lingering on the edge of his lips.


	9. Chapter 8: Arrival

**Chapter 8: Arrival**

***13 years later*******

They could be here any minute now.

That was the only thing she seemed to be able to think of in this particular moment; any minute now she would be able to see them, see _him_, for herself: how tall he had become, how much his hair had grown, hear him joke around without a worry in his mind.

It would be like they had never left, she was absolutely certain. They would immediately jump back into their old patterns, spend their days in the backyard and up in the tree house that they build under the carefree supervision of Mr. Hanson all those years ago.

"Mer! Don't you want to be down there when they arrive?"

Meredith Shepherd turned around and smiled when she saw her favourite brother-in-law standing in the door. David's round face wore traces of the same excitement that filled her; only his calm manner and mind didn't allow his enthusiasm to shine through his features like it did on hers. It was good that he was so well-tempered, Meredith always thought. Only a very patient man like David would have made a woman like Nancy his wife.

Meredith was glad that she had been able to keep David in his life. The couple - who had bought a penthouse apartment in inner New York a year ago when Nancy had started as an intern at Mount Sinai - visited almost every weekend; when David could drag Nancy away from her work, that was. Kathleen, who had become a psychiatrist two years ago, visited almost as often, her husband Robert and the kids in tow.

It was more rare to see Joan around these days. Since she moved to Hawaii to study, they had seen even less of her than Derek and Mark – and that said something.

But today all the sisters were gathered down there, waiting for the lost son, as Meredith had once named him.

"I think I'll just stay up here so I can see their car" she lied easily. The truth was that although she had stubbornly called herself a Shepherd (refusing to be connected to her biological mother in any way) in the almost thirteen years she had been living with the Shepherds, she felt like she had to give the _real _family a chance to reunite before she, the intruder, once again broke in. Meredith hadn't told anyone about that, knowing that Amelia would yet again kick her ass and call her delusional while Carolyn would get all teary-eyed, claiming that Meredith was just as much a part of the family as the biological part. Again. It was not a big deal; she would just wait a minute before joining them downstairs when the guys came home.

David, though, who Meredith sometimes found to observant for his own good, had a knowing look in his eyes when he smiled back at her.

"If you're sure about that, I guess it's your decision. But we all know it's you he's here to see." With that he turned around and headed downstairs again.

Meredith's smile grew bigger as she pulled out her cell phone and reread the message from this morning. She already knew it by heart.

_Packing. Or trying to - Mark's hung over. This will be a long drive._

_Sorry again, I missed your graduation._

_Can't wait to see you._

_Der._

Can't wait to see you. Meredith giggled into the quiet of her room and instantly felt lame. She had been texting and talking on the phone with Derek and Mark on the phone all this time and now…

They were coming home; her two best friends were finally coming home to her.

It was insane to think that it had actually been two years since the last time she saw them. She knew from Nancy that med school was brutal – and when the boys hadn't buried their heads in books, they had spent their two previous summer vacations travelling.

Still, it felt like yesterday that Derek had been right here beside her, flashing the smile that always made her smile – he was the only one who could make her day just by _smiling._ Sure, she missed Mark but she _needed_ Derek.

Now, they had the whole summer together and then she would finally join them at their last year at Harvard. It was her own money, the money she had earned working at the mall and the money she inherited from her father when he died a few years back. Meredith didn't really want those but it seemed more reasonable to use them and accept Thatcher's first and last try at making amends than accepting more of Carolyn's extreme generosity than she already had. Meredith was given a home. She could never accept more from this family.

Meredith's line of thoughts was broken when the doorbell rang. It took all of her will not to run downstairs.

"Nancypants!" a familiar voice exclaimed.

"Markie. You haven't changed a bit."

"Well I wish I could say the same. Look at you! You're huge!"

"I'm _pregnant_, moron." The revelation was followed by tumult.

"Ouch!"

"It's not like you didn't deserve it" Carolyn commented, the beam in her voice easy to catch.

"Ah, don't say that mom" Mark laughed.

"Where's Derek?" Joan asked. Meredith found herself listening closer.

"Geez, nice to see you too. He'll be here in a second; he's just unloading the car. And he brought a surprise I may add. Now where is the foster-Shepherd?"

"She's upstairs. She probably wanted to give us some _family time._" Meredith could almost hear the roll of eyes in Amelia's voice.

"She shouldn't have…" Carolyn started but Mark interrupted her.

"Mer! Stop being so mental and get your sweet little ass down here right now! I'm serious!"

He didn't have to say that twice. In what felt like no time at all Meredith was bouncing down the stairs. She froze at the bottom step, taking him in for a second before she jumped into his arms. He placed his arms around her lower waist and she wrapped her legs around him. She giggled when he spun her around, exactly like they used to do. Mark laughed too and put her down, keeping his arms around her but forcing her head a little back to get a better look at her.

"Mer? Are you crying?" he asked, his voice suddenly a little worried.

"No" she sniffled, the tears streaming down her face. Mark just laughed and held her tighter again.

"Look at you! All grown up!" And with that his hands went from her back to the top of her ass. Meredith couldn't help but giggle.

"Hands off! Dirty old man," she teased and wiggled out of his arms.

"Me, old? Ouch. 25 is not old."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Infant" Mark muttered under his breath. Meredith feigned shock and slapped him playfully across his face.

"You just called me a grown-up!"

"Only on the outside apparently. I see you got rid of the pink streaks?"

"Yeah, I got bored with it."

"Plus, mama Shep here wouldn't shut up about it."

"That too," Meredith laughed. Carolyn gave them a glare but couldn't keep the scowl on her face when she saw the happiness in her foster children's eyes.

"Well you look good Mer," Mark said, his eyes moving down her body. "More than good."

"True" a voice agreed; a voice that made Meredith freeze. She felt her heart jump unevenly as the simple word rolled off those familiar lips. When she turned around, she kept her eyes down and was suddenly staring at the man in front of her, a man she knew better than herself.

Starting with his feet, making her way up, she let herself scrutinize every inch of him. He was wearing raggy jeans and a t-shirt that fit tightly around his well-trained chest. Carrying a bag in each hand, his posture was slightly down-bend; his hair was evidently longer. Still, the black curls framed his features perfectly, his stubble barely noticeable, his nose as crooked as ever. Meredith looked closer, trying to decipher the little changes that must have occurred since their last meeting. He had lost a little weight and grown about an inch. He had tiny wrinkles around the well-formed mouth and around the eyes.

The eyes.

Meredith had purposely saved the best part for last, knowing that when looking into those deep blue orbs, she would most likely loose her train of thought.

Derek looked tired but his eyes grew soft when they locked with hers.

She lost all track of time; it could have been a second or several years, but suddenly Derek's serious expression pulled into a breathtaking smile, breaking out of their trance, as he dropped the bags, took a step forward and opened his arms in irresistible invitation. Meredith didn't think twice - she let herself fall into his hard chest and felt his strong grip surround her. She didn't feel suffocated, though. She felt safe.

"Derbear" Meredith whispered, completely ruining the moment, and heard his deep chuckle stand out from the general amusement. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the tiny vibrations in his chest when he did that, savouring the feeling. Her own laughter mingled with other voices but it was not a laugh of hilarity; it was a laugh of disbelief.

"Mer," Derek mumbled and caught a strand of her hair, pushing it behind her ear. "Don't cry." It sounded more like a plea than comfort. He softly kissed her hair; Derek had this weird obsession with her hair, she knew, because it smelled like her conditioner, lavender.

"I'm not," she insisted, not even realizing that the tears were streaming uncontrollably down her face until Derek's hand wiped them off.

"Sure you're not," he easily agreed with a grave face.

"I'm not!" she sobbed and buried her face in his shoulder, standing there in another immeasurable amount of time.

Eventually she heard that conversation was being lead around her.

"Hey loser."

"Nance!"

"Long time, no see." Knowing Nancy, Meredith thought, the hint of accusation in her voice was probably not a product of Meredith's imagination. Derek seemed to think the same; his voice was defensive as he replied.

"I've been busy."

"You've been busy" Nancy replied, definitely accusative. Meredith could feel Derek's body tense in response.

"Yes Nancy, busy. Medical school tends to do that to people. Wouldn't you of all people know that?"

"Too busy to see your own family?"

"I…" Derek started but was interrupted by Carolyn.

"Let's not talk about that right now. Can't you come over here and give your own mother a hug?"

Derek shifted Meredith so he had one arm free, still holding her against him with the other, and placed his hand on his mother's back, squeezing her lightly.

"It's so good to see you again mama."

"You too, son." Carolyn sounded like she was tearing up as well.

"Ah mama, not you too?"

"It's just…" Kathleen sniffled as her eyes spilled over. "We- we missed you. "

A bewildered Derek looked from his mother to his sisters to Meredith with disbelief. They were all looking at him, red rims around their eyes.

"Dude," Mark muttered. He, David and Kathleen's husband Peter were all trying their very best to contain their laughter. "You made all the women cry!"

"Shut up!" Derek growled and held his mother and Meredith even tighter, frantically whispering to them. "It's okay, everything's okay. I missed you guys too." The last part only made everyone sniffle a little harder. The sisters came closer; six women suddenly embraced him at the same time.

"Shit" he whispered and closed his eyes.

Meredith was content, standing there in Derek's arms, but felt his increasing distress. She lifted her head from his tear-stained chest and met his eyes, a slight smile playing on her lips. Derek smiled, too, when he realized that she was no longer crying. Meredith was drowning, deep in his eyes.

Their infinite moment was broken by a high-pitched voice.

"Derek can you help me with the rest of the bag- oh god, am I disturbing?"

The girls let go of Derek when a tall, leggy, tanned woman in white strappy sandals and a icy blue sundress entered the house without waiting for an answer. In a cascade of red hair, she was at Carolyn's side. Carolyn couldn't quite hide the shock in her eyes when the woman hugged her tightly before turning to Meredith.

"And you must be Meredith. I've heard so much about you, it feels like I know you already!" The woman hugged Meredith, too. She smelled like expensive perfume.

Meredith hadn't failed to notice how Derek's face lit up in the presence of the redhead. Her eyes narrowed.

"Erm… Who are you?"

The woman laughed, a delighted sound and went over to stand by Derek's side. Derek smiled brightly at her and wrapped one arm around her waist.

"I'm sorry honey, I never got around to tell them," he said and looked around the room. Everyone was staring at the girl with different facial expressions; the scale went from curious to almost hostile. Mark was not surprised, although he didn't exactly look thrilled at the sight of her. He was staring at his feet, shifting weight from side to side.

"Everyone. This is Addison Forbes-Montgomery. I've invited her to spend the summer with us."


	10. Chapter 9: Realisation

**Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all the comments! No update before Sunday or Monday since I'm celebrating last day of school EVER.**

**Chapter 9: Realisation**

"Do you think she likes her?" Derek urgently whispered.

"I think everyone finds Addie very charming" Mark mumbled, trying his best to avoid the question.

"I know," Derek murmured and there was a desperate gleam in his eyes. "But Meredith is not _everyone_."

Mark was quiet for a second while he took Derek in. Then he smiled.

"Man you really care about this girl, huh? I've never seen you like that with anyone before."

Derek smiled, too, almost like he couldn't stop himself.

"Yeah. Yeah I do. I think I love her, Mark." Mark's eyes widened – Derek _never_ spoke of love without a certain amount of sappy sarcasm in his voice. Derek shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Which is why I need Meredith to like her – her opinion matters the most. I mean she's my best friend. She _has _to like her."

"I get it" Mark smiled although he certainly didn't get it. Derek was not the _love_-type. And Addison was not someone Mark could ever see himself become attached to. Sure, she was attractive and reasonably intelligent and charming – but would he want to grow old with her?

"So," Derek whispered, still nervous. "What's the verdict? Does Mer like Addie?"

"I don't know man," Mark sighed. "I mean, she doesn't exactly look comfortable, does she?"

They both glanced down the dinner table to the other end where a very quiet Meredith was squeezed in between Addison and Kathleen, who already seemed pretty spellbound by the animated girl's monologue.

Mark turned around and saw the worried look on Derek's face.

"Relax Der. Mer'll loosen up eventually. You know how she is with strangers."

"Yeah…" Derek didn't look entirely convinced.

In that moment Addison let out an excited shriek while Meredith seemed to want to bury herself in a hole.

"Can you believe how much she's grown?" Mark asked while he inconspicuously observed Meredith. She was wearing a white, fairly low-cut jersey tee that fit snugly around her curves. Her long, dark blonde hair framed her features perfectly and continued down to her shoulders. Meredith wasn't wearing any make-up, nor did she have to; her complexion was very clean, her teeth bit down on her plump lip and her green eyes lit up her whole face. Mark had seen pictures of the beautiful Ellis Grey in medical textbooks; but he was certain that the world-famous surgeon's daughter was by far her superior. Mark was also certain that Meredith, who couldn't stand the slightest mention of her mother, would kill him if he told her that. On the other side, pissed off Meredith could turn out to be pretty hot…

Meredith sensed Mark's eyes on her and she smiled at him, knowingly, like she could read his dirty mind. Meredith was the only person who could make Mark embarrassed – he quickly looked away. Derek chuckled, having watched the whole thing.

"Do you have a crush on your own sister?"

Mark scowled.

"She _is _very hot. And she's technically _not _my sister. Or yours."

"I'll take that as a yes" Derek grinned. Then his face became somewhat serious. "Though I would have to kick your ass if you ever went near her. Meredith doesn't date. She's way too young."

"She's 18."

"So?"

"We had girlfriends at 14."

"Yeah well, she's a girl."

"You didn't have any issues when Joan or Amelia started dating, but you're gonna go all caveman on Mer…?"

"That's different, Mark."

"How is that different?"

Derek paused for a second. Then he said, slowly, stubbornly emphasizing every word:

"Because she is Mer. Mer doesn't date."

"We'll see about that" Mark muttered, and then suddenly raised his voice so the whole table could hear him.

"Hey Mer?"

Meredith looked relieved to be needed elsewhere than in eager conversation between Addison and the Shepherds.

"Yeah?" she shouted back. The other conversations had come to a halt, too, everyone curious as to what Mark was up to.

"So how's Finn?"

The teenager in Meredith flushed a predictable bright red.

Meredith was in a bad mood to put it mildly.

She was sure that Derek and Mark were talking about her. Just a minute ago she had caught Mark staring at her with dirty in his eyes; she had gotten a kick out of it when he had twitched nervously and looked away. But now, the boys seemed deeply engrossed in conversation, only breaking away to take a glance at her now and then. Derek looked a little angry, actually.

But being the object of discussion was not the cause of Meredith's mood.

It was that Addison's fault. Man, she had an annoying voice.

That was all there was to it, she repeated for herself. Addison Forbes-Montgomery was annoying with her high-pitched chirp and bright red hair that she kept swinging from side to side. That was it.

Now, if Red would just keep her distance, say 20 feet at all times, there would be no problem. But the girl seemed determined to seek Meredith's company. She had somehow managed to squeeze her way into the seat right beside her; and though Meredith kept quiet throughout the meal (she was tired, that's all), she was constantly dragged into the conversation by no other than Addison.

"So Meredith, Derek told me you're going to Harvard next year! That's so exciting!"

"Yeah, can't wait" Meredith mumbled and plastered a fake smile on her face. Shut up Red, shut up, shut up, shut up…

"Well, if you mention that we're friends, I actually think it could help you a great deal. My family name is kind of big in the medical world."

"How so?" Nancy broke in with an intrigued smile.

"Well, my dad is John Montgomery, he is a famous orthopaedic surgeon. My brother Lucas and I were practically raised by our nanny because he travelled around the world when we were little. He's been Chief of Surgery at Mount Sinai for many years now. You know who he is?"

"Never really heard of him," Joan smiled. "But mom sure knows him, she used to be a nurse at Mount Sinai."

"Oh!" Addison squealed and Meredith resisted the urge to cover up her ears. Addison immediately turned to Carolyn who had kept quiet most of the time. "Do you know him?"

Carolyn pursed her lips. "Yes, I did know him." By the look on her face, it had not been a pleasant acquaintance. Actually, Meredith thought, Carolyn seemed to be a little infuriated by the thought of this man – and Carolyn was rarely infuriated by anything.

There was a second of silence before Addison took over again.

"You see," she beamed and looked around at all the faces that were fixed on her. "That kind of makes me a surgical royalty!"

"Well, not really" Amelia snorted. She didn't seem as enchanted as the other girls. She eyed Meredith, who felt terror well up in her when she realized what was coming.

"What do you mean?" Addison asked in a polite but slightly dubious tone.

"You're not a surgical royalty compared to Mer here" she smirked and ignored the daggers Meredith's eyes were sending her. Amelia seemed to be enjoying the attention she got and let there be a second of anticipation before she let her bomb drop.

"She's Ellis Grey's daughter."

There was another silence, expectation on the Shepherd's side, utter shock on Addison's. Then the latter shrieked.

"Shut up! _The_ Ellis Grey? With the Grey method? Shut up! Why has Derek never told me that?"

Carolyn coughed. "Derek knows that Meredith doesn't really like people to talk about it." She eyed Amelia, irritation in her eyes, something Amelia apparently was oblivious to.

"But that's _huge_!" Addison yelled. Then she began to laugh. "And here I was talking about how you could use my name! Oh my god, Meredith, you must think I'm such an idiot!" Addison laid her arm around Meredith like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"You didn't know," Meredith muttered and could not quite stop herself from wincing. She was so going to kill Amelia for that one later.

"It must be so hard for you!" Addison said, oblivious to the discomfort of the girl she was talking to. "I think one of the biggest reasons that I want to do be neonatal is because it's so different from my father specialty; then it'll be harder to compare me to him."

"You want to be a neonatal surgeon?" Nancy suddenly asked, her professional curiosity rising to the surface. "Me too! I just finished my intern year!"

She was met by yet another over-excited answer and Meredith leaned back, relieved that the conversation was no longer evolving around her.

Why was it that everyone loved Addison? Well, not everyone, by the looks of it neither Carolyn nor Amelia were gushing with excitement, still the bella modella had everyone's attention from the minute she walked into the room.

And sure, Red was bright and shiny – but how could that possibly be the thoughtful, down-to-earth Derek's type?

That was the only reason that Addison bothered her, Meredith thought to herself. She simply wasn't right for him.

"Hey Mer?" someone shouted. Meredith looked up and was relieved to find that it was Mark that had called for her attention. Derek, who sat beside him, looked a little tense.

Yeah?" she shouted back. She registered that everyone stopped talking.

"So how's Finn?"

Meredith heard David chuckle; it was so like the old days.

Oh great. Oh how easy they fell into old patterns. Oh how Mark always managed to bring the embarrassed teenager in her to the forefront.

Yes, let's go back to discussing Meredith's private life at the dinner table.

Meredith felt how her cheeks flushed crimson red. She looked up into Mark's eyes and the bastard was laughing, _laughing,_ while he sat there, anticipating her reaction.

Well, there had been a few dates here and there throughout the years; nothing serious, though. A couple of kisses and occasional holding hands just about summed it up.

She decided to keep her chin high.

"Oh just fabulous" she declared. Mark smirked at her.

"I'm still not sure I believe in Finn's existence. Remember your imaginary friend Annie?"

Meredith heard the general amusement around the dinner table and felt more blood go to her cheeks. That's how it went when you had been friends for way too long. She decided to ignore them, though, thinking that by giving them the silent treatment, the subject would bore her company sooner. Then she heard Amelia's voice again, and for the second time this evening she wanted to strangulate her favourite sister.

"Oh, there's Finn alright," Amelia smirked.

"There's a Finn?" a lot of intrigued people asked at the same time, but Derek's voice was clear from the others; his voice didn't bear the traces of humour that the others did – actually he sounded a little angry.

"Finn who?" David asked.

"Finn Dandridge" Amelia answered and stuck her tongue out at Meredith who at this point had decided to completely shut out all conversation. "He lives almost right across the street. The vet's son. Nice guy."

Exactly, Meredith thought. Nice guy. _Nice._ That was why she had given up on Finn before anything had happened; he was simply too plain, too nice.

"He's such a sweet boy," Carolyn smiled warmly. "Always has a minute to help, always such a gentleman- Derek what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Derek snorted and got up from the table. "Dinner was delicious as always, mom. I think we'll excuse ourselves now. It's been a long drive," he said after locking eyes with Addison for a moment. The latter excused herself in a warm manner and the table was left in awkward silence.

"Well," Carolyn said after a minute. "I think I'll go wash the dishes."

"Let me help-" Meredith began but was interrupted.

"No dear, you look tired. What about taking a nice warm bath?"

Meredith was exhausted, more mentally than physically, and needed no further persuasion. She had to clear her head. With a slight smile and a wave at everyone she dragged herself up the stairs.

"Derek!" Meredith froze as a certain high-pitched voice sniggered from behind the door to Derek's old room. That room had always meant something special to Meredith; knowing that Addison was in there made her feel surprisingly sad.

She really shouldn't; she might hear something she _really _didn't want to hear. But as she heard Derek's throaty chuckle, Meredith automatically leaned forward until she stood with her ear pressed to the door.

"What?" Derek asked in an innocent voice.

"This is your parents house!"

"So?"

More giggling.

"Your _mother_ is downstairs!"

"So? She likes you."

"She does?" Addison sounded nervous which made Meredith feel a tiny bit better, knowing that she was already an accepted part of this family unlike the perfect redhead.

"Everyone likes you."

"Meredith doesn't" Addison sighed.

There was the tiniest moment of hesitation. Then Derek answered in an even voice.

"It takes a little time for Mer to get used to people. She'll love you once she gets to know you."

"I made a complete fool of myself! You could have told me she was Ellis freaking Grey's daughter."

"Yeah, I know." Derek sighed. "It's just… I felt like I would betray Meredith. Break her trust."

"And my trust isn't important?" Addison frowned.

"Of course, Addie, you know that. I-" Derek took a very deep breath. "Meredith's mother didn't want her. She pretended that her daughter wasn't hers and when Meredith was in an accident because of her, she just left Meredith with my mom at the hospital and never looked back."

There was a long minute of silence, Addison processing what Derek had told her.

"You love her," she stated.

"Yes" Derek answered.

"More than me."

"It's different. Meredith is my best friend in the whole world. It's a miracle that she is who she is, that she got over all the things Ellis did to her. I like to believe that I helped a little bit with that. And," another deep breath, "it was Meredith who helped me after my father… She made me realize that my family needed me; that I had to be their rock. Mer understood better than anyone. She was there all along."

"Well," Addison said, her tone suddenly much brighter as had she already shaken the Derek's serious words off. "I'm here now."

"Yes you are" Derek chuckled. It sounded like one of them moved; the bed gave a little noise. "Why don't we take advantage of that?"

"Derek!" Addison gasped. "Mom! _Your_ mom! Downstairs!" More laughter followed.

The conversation seemed to be over; Meredith walked away from the door and down to the bedroom she currently shared with Amelia since there weren't enough rooms in the house with all the guests. She lay down on her mattress and stared up in the ceiling.

She felt… empty. And full of emotions at the same time.

Part of it was hurt that Derek had betrayed her by sharing her inner secrets; it was not a big part as she never really was mad at Derek.

Meredith also felt a little nauseous, trying her hardest to block out what Derek and Addison were probably doing now.

Then there was what he had said about her and how she had helped him after his father's death. That part made her teary-eyed; she feared that their relationship might not be like that ever again.

…

He had admitted to loving her. As a best friend.

Best friend.

That was how it had always been, wasn't it? Meredith and Derek, best friends.

Suddenly it didn't feel like quite enough.

It was the dominating emotion of hers: the pain of realisation.

Realisation of why she didn't like Addison, a girl that was reasonably like able in many ways. Realisation of why she hadn't had a real boyfriend at the age of 18. Realisation of why she melted under his bright blue glance and felt like floating in his strong arms.

It seemed so completely obvious now. It had been building up gradually over the years, she saw now and wished that she were still in oblivion. She hadn't seen it coming; never in a thousand years would Meredith have guessed that she had fallen in love with Derek.

Love.

In love.

With Derek.

There. She said it.

Meredith pressed her eyes shut.

"Shit!"


	11. Chapter 10: Awareness

**Hello! Sorry for the non-update weekend… But I have a chemistry exam Tuesday and I was hung over and… nah, I'll stop already. But this is a very short chapter…**

**Let me just say that I'm 110% Merder – trust me, Addison and Derek will not, I repeat, will NOT end up together. That being said, I really do believe he loved her at some point (or at least the idea of her) so yes, I'll try to portray that.**

**Thanks again for all the comments! You have no idea what they mean to me.**

**Chapter 10: Awareness**

It was a perfect day. A gigantic, white sun was looking down at her from a blue sky, kindly caressing her skin with warmth.

Meredith was in the tree house.

Alone.

Again.

She was alone a lot these days. The newly reunited Shepherd sisters had decided to rediscover the city of New York through a shopping marathon that was currently on its fourth day. A marathon to which Meredith preferred the loneliness.

Mark was taking advantage of the quiet suburban life and was literally sleeping the days away. The many years of constantly partying or studying was catching up with him.

David and Peter had spent a few hours with her here and there; but her patience with long football discussions was limited. Besides, Peter was a bore.

Carolyn was always with Kathleen's children, Emma, Allison, Jamie and May.

And Derek… Well, Derek was always with Addison.

When did it get so awkward between them? Meredith had a pretty good idea.

Ever since her _realisation_ – Meredith couldn't bear to think further than that – she had found it increasingly harder to look at Derek, let alone speak to him. The awareness made her self-conscious, a feeling she never used to have around Derek.

As to Addison, Meredith had bitterly come to the conclusion that it was her own subjectivity that clouded her judgement of character. To everyone but her, Addison was perfect.

Every inch of her long, tanned body _screamed_ perfection. From the wavy red hair and the bambi eyes to the slender, curvy body, the expensive clothes and the intoxicating perfume.

Addison was not a dumb bimbo; she was a med student. She was very far from shy – her bubbly personality was probably her best quality.

Meredith had observed Derek in the last few days and found that his face lit up every time Addison was nearby. He was a whole new man, the bright and shiny wearing off on him.

He was happy with her. Happier than she had ever seen him.

And if there was one thing that Meredith couldn't do, it was destroy Derek's happiness. That was why she had to ignore the little voice in the back of her mind, telling her that Addison was stealing everything she had with Derek at an alarming rate.

Meredith used to be his confidential, the one he would tell anything. From the trivial details to his deepest secrets, she used to know him better than herself. It wasn't like that anymore.

And now, she was sitting in the tree house she helped him build all those years ago, alone.

"Meredith?" a well-known voice shouted from below. Meredith did an effort not to make a grimace. She looked down to find Addison with her usual, sunny smile plastered all over her face.

"Yes?"

"Derek is going to some man things with the guys tomorrow. I was just wondering if you'd like to grab a cup of coffee, shop a little and get to know each other. You know. What do you think?"

Meredith gritted her teeth for a second, trying to come up with an excuse.

Nothing.

"Sure."

"Yay!" Addison gushed. "Can't wait!" With that she ran back into the house.

Meredith grumbled.

Shopping. Ugh. With Addison. Ugh.

"Can't wait," she muttered.


	12. Chapter 11: She Killed The Clash

**Chapter 11: She killed The Clash**

"You mind if I change the music?" Addison asked and pressed a couple of buttons without waiting for an answer. The car stereo spat out Meredith's CD and was suddenly filling the car with sappy pop from some radio channel. Addison picked up the CD and took a closer look.

"The Clash? Really? You like them?"

"Yeah. I guess I grew up with it." Meredith shrugged, trying not to dive to deep into the many memories that the familiar cover art, red, blue and yellow, brought up to the surface. Memories of his smile, her smile, riding shotgun in Derek's car, her hair alive and all over the place in the wind when he rolled the windows down. She sank something and focused on the road.

They had been driving for 20 minutes, Meredith behind the wheel, and everything had gone fairly well. If you didn't think about Derek, or anything really, Addison wasn't too bad. She was the type of girl that needed no more encouragement in her monologue than an occasional nod or mm-hmm.

Meredith couldn't help but feel a little underdressed whenever she took Addison in. The girl looked amazing in her short pink dress, her endless, tanned legs ending in a pair of expensive-looking high heels that matched the dress. Addison's hair was wavier than usual and was pinched back by a white flower in the left side. Meredith, on the other hand, had her hair in a ponytail and was wearing ragged jeans that she had stolen from Mark years ago, held up with a belt, and a New York Yankees tank top. The only pair of heels she owned – a pair she bought for her prom date with Finn – were safely hidden in the back of her closet; instead she wore Converse that were sensible to drive in.

"I remember when I first started dating Derek; it was all he ever listened to." Addison grimaced. Meredith couldn't help but grin, feeling a little good that the couple in fact didn't agree on every little thing.

"As a matter of fact, I think this CD is a gift from him. Derek and The Clash are inseparable."

"Well," Addison smirked and looked rather self-congratulatory. "Not anymore."

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked. She had a bad feeling about this.

"I told him that it was driving me mad. So he gave up on them." Addison laughed and looked expectantly at Meredith, like she assumed a round of applause or something.

"Wait," Meredith said, slowly processing the new piece of information. "He gave up on The Clash?" she realized how much she sounded like a disgruntled child and took a deep breath.

She made him give up on The Clash. _She killed The Clash. _

Addison read the hurt expression in Meredith's eyes and toned her excitement a little bit down.

"He didn't like my music either in the beginning," she smiled, clearly not knowing what else to say. "But I really think he's starting to warm up to it." Addison pointedly eyed the car stereo.

Meredith didn't bother to reply. _She killed The Clash._

No more words filled the awkward silence and by the time the sappy pop song was over and replaced by a new one, Meredith was pulling into a psychiatrist clinic's parking lot. She always used Kathleen's private spot. Besides, it was close to some mall they were going to; Meredith hadn't bothered paying attention to the name. She was already having a bad habit of shutting Addison out as much as possible.

"I can't believe we're here!" Addison squealed and Meredith turned around to look at her.

"I thought your dad worked at Mount Sinai. Obviously you've been to New York before?" Meredith backtracked a little, realizing that her words sounded slightly harsh. She smiled in order to soften her tone but Addison hadn't even noticed in the first place.

"Yes, he lives on the Upper East Side with his new wife, Gabriella. It's just; I haven't been back here in seven years, not since I went to Harvard- oh look! Gucci!"

"Ah" Meredith mumbled with a distant nod, not really listening. She let her mind wander as Addison continued to gush excitedly about designers and stores she had never heard of.

This day was never going to end, Meredith thought sadly to herself.

She had been on shopping sprees before, of course, with Carolyn and the Shepherd sisters. But as she had spent far more time with the boys, playing football, building tree houses, shopping had become something stupid, something _girly_ – and Meredith was not girly. At all. Although Meredith doubted that more shopping experience would have made this day any better.

Addison was a force of nature. Even though her heels were around 5 inches tall she never tired, she never slowed down – this was her right element. It was impossible to cool down her enthusiasm; even when Meredith almost fell asleep in the lingerie shop, she remained bubbly, constantly gushing and excited.

The best part of the shopping was that they never had time to talk about things more personal than the colour of some headband – they had completely steered around dangerous topics. Like Derek.

When Meredith admitted she didn't have much money that weren't heading straight to her college fund, Addison immediately fished up a shiny black credit card from her clutch and bought her three summer dresses, a pair of stilettos, a bag with a price tag Meredith couldn't even bear to look at and a golden necklace. Not because Meredith would ever use any of those things.

Addison was really trying to be friendly, buying her free stuff with her shiny credit card and constantly making small talk; Meredith could tell that she was doing the best she could – she wondered why Addison was even trying so hard – but the connection between them simply wasn't there. If you looked closer, beneath the random conversation, you would see that they had absolutely nothing to say to each other, nothing in common but one man.

"Meredith! Are you there?" Addison giggled but Meredith could hear that real irritation was beginning to creep into her voice.

"Yeah, I just drifted off for a minute." Again. "Sorry. What were you saying?"

"I was just wondering if you're hungry?"

Meredith's feet were sore and her arms hurt from holding all the fancy shopping bags. The prospect of sitting down was a very appealing one at the moment. Then she realized that she would have to actually talk to Addison if they were to sit down. That would be an awkward half hour.

In the end, though, her exhausted body won the battle.

"I'm starving," she admitted.

"Great! I know this cute little place, it's now far from here…" Addison grabbed her arm and didn't notice when Meredith winced.

"Mm-hmm," Meredith agreed and let herself be dragged by the surprisingly strong girl.

When they had ordered, the table became just as quiet as Meredith had foreseen. Addison was flipping trough something on her phone.

"I told you about my brother Lucas, right?" Addison suddenly asked. Meredith nodded. "I've invited him to come and stay with us for a while! Isn't that a great idea?"

"Awesome" Meredith muttered, not even bothering to put the right amount of excitement in her voice. That seemed to make something in Addison snap. She sighed.

"Meredith."

"Addison."

Addison looked like she was carefully considering how to put something into words. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted when the waiter served their food: a burger with fries and milkshake for Meredith, a small salad and a bottle of water for Addison.

The latter forked a piece of spinach, chewed and swallowed it before starting again.

"Meredith." She paused but Meredith only looked evenly at her so she continued. "I really want to be your friend."

Meredith had an urge to yell out the word _why._ They had nothing to talk about; Addison was bright and shiny, Meredith was… well, dark and twisty. The tiny meal on Addison's plate caught her eye; then she looked at her own massive amount of junk food. Everywhere there was further proof that they were opposites.

Addison seemed to know what she was thinking.

"You want to know why?" again, no answer. "It's because of Derek."

"Derek?" Meredith finally spoke. How pathetic that her stomach fluttered at the bare mention of his name.

"Derek loves you, Meredith, so much." She took a deep breath. "You mean a lot to him and if he had to choose between me and you, I don't know who he would pick. That scares me."

Meredith didn't say anything.

"So I don't want him to have to choose."

There, Addison thought. She had said it. She had been completely honest with Meredith.

The latter deliberated for a moment. Then she smiled a little smile; but it was definitely there.

"I don't want Derek to have to choose either." Meredith focused all her attention on the burger in front of her.

There was something in her eyes that hadn't been there before: something red in her cheeks. It was the way she smiled dreamily. It was the way Derek's name rolled off her lips, devotedly, affectionately, like she was talking about some kind of god. It was the way Meredith's face lit up as soon as the subject Derek was brought up.

It was what made Addison stop chewing on her spinach for a moment as a slight suspicion crossed her mind.


	13. Chapter 12: I Missed This

**Another filler. I may post two-three times today just get thru them… Thanks again for the awesome comments!**

**Chapter 12: I missed this**

"Oh! You remember this?" Meredith giggled and held up a large piece of wood. Mark couldn't help but smile.

Someone, probably himself, had carved, or scratched you may say, three people in the wood. Two of them were big boys; they were both holding hands with the smaller girl in the middle. She had an M on her t-shirt. All their faces wore brilliant, happy smiles. And underneath them all was a single word in bad handwriting: friends.

"I believe I do."

"I remember an entire summer where you wouldn't do anything but carve in wood. So mysterious, so tender, so deep…" Meredith smirked.

"So you're saying that I'm not deep now?" Mark asked, feigning hurt.

"Well Markie, you're no Shakespeare…" Meredith hinted and broke into giggles when Mark threw his empty soda can at her.

"Hey!"

Mark sighed, a content smile lingering on his lips. It was almost like in the old days, hanging out in the tool shed, drinking hot sodas, sorting trough old stuff. He had missed that.

Not entirely like it used to be, though. In the old days, he, Derek and Meredith would talk for hours about everything and nothing. That had been the best part of having a girl in their middle; it was nice to just talk once in a while. But now it was just Meredith and him. It had been a lot like that in the two weeks he had been home.

In that moment Mark realized that even though Derek was right, Mark might have a small crush on Meredith, he would never in a thousand years act on it. This part of their friendship was something he could not bear to loose. And Meredith deserved something better than the eternal man whore.

"Markie?" Meredith was still smiling. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…" Mark hesitated. "I- I just missed this."

Meredith's grin faded and Mark was sure that she was thinking about Derek as well.

"Yeah" she smiled but it was not a happy one. Meredith walked over and squeezed his shoulder. "Me too."

They went back to their comfortable silence; it was a thing he especially liked about Meredith. There was never any pressure to keep up a conversation, no expectations, and no awkwardness. Unlike most girls, Meredith didn't assume anything. He loved that.

"Hey guys! I've been looking for you," a light voice cheered. Mark noticed how Meredith stiffened and fought an urge to roll her eyes.

Addison appeared in the doorway, her face as bright as always; her body language, on the other hand, suggested that she wasn't exactly the tool shed-type.

"What are you people doing here? Am I interrupting?"

Meredith stood up, tossed her half-finished soda can in the bin and smiled at Addison and Mark, her lips pressed into a thin line. It looked like she was about to cry.

"No it's okay. I was just leaving anyways. I have to do my… laundry. It's- err… very dirty."

Mark looked at her, trying to decipher the look in her eyes but Meredith just shook her head a little bit and walked out the door.

Man, she's not a big fan of red, Mark thought to himself and found himself pretty much in agreement.

Addison's thoughts seemed to be similar.

"She hates me. My boyfriend's best friend hates me."

"Mer doesn't _hate_ you" Mark lied as he absentmindedly traced the patterns of three happy children he had caved in a piece of wood so many years ago.

"Oh really?" Addison snorted. "Then how come she disappears every time I walk into a room?"

Luckily, she didn't give Mark a chance to answer because he had no idea what to say.

"Do you think she has a crush on Derek?" Addison asked.

Mark's fingers stopped dead right over wood-Meredith's head.

It made sense. Meredith had been sadder than she used to be ever since he and Derek came home. She had this weird expression in her eyes whenever his name was mentioned. And she was on the verge of tears just looking at Addison.

Knowing Mer, Mark thought, it was probably a lot more than a stupid crush. She didn't do things halfway and she would definitely have treated Addison differently if it weren't hard on her.

Addison continued when Mark didn't answer.

"I know Derek loves _her_ – as a sister, I mean. That's why I have to get her to like me."

"Don't you think that's a little manipulative?" Mark asked, hardly trying to disguise the dislike in his voice. Addison looked surprised.

"Mark, you know me. She seems like a nice girl. We could be friends if it wasn't for Derek."

"She _is_ a nice girl," Mark muttered, thinking that Addison and Meredith were complete opposites in almost every way he could think of. "The best."

"I just wish she wasn't clinging to my boyfriend!" Addison sighed, exasperated. "I caught her staring at him. She is always staring at him."

"She misses him," Mark admitted and decided it was time to be honest with Red. "She's used to him spending all the time he can with her and now he has you."

"So…" Addison began. "She's lonely?"

"I guess you could say that-" Mark began but was interrupted.

"You know what? I have a great idea!" Addison shouted, suddenly back to her normal, cheery self.

Uh-uh.

"You know I have a brother, Lucas, right?" Mark nodded, not seeing where this was going. "He's coming to New York the day after tomorrow. He's a really good-looking guy. Funny too."

"So?"

"Maybe I could tell him to sidetrack her? You know, keep her entertained. Distract her. Keep her busy."

"Seriously?" Mark asked. "Addison, don't do that! She'll just get hurt!"

"Nonsense," Addison laughed. "I'll just tell him to keep it light! Meredith's not an idiot."

She flipped her phone open, still beaming.

"Okay, I'm going now. Derek will be home in a sec."

With that she left. Mark stayed in the tool shed, not noticing how the night began to darken outside.

This couldn't end well.


	14. Chapter 13: I Can't Tell You

**I'm here again! You must be so tired of updates, lol…**

**Chapter 13: I can't tell you**

Meredith had been crying a hell of a lot more than usual in these last few weeks.

She wasn't a person who cried. Hell, she probably hadn't been crying since Derek and Mark left for pre med.

But here she was again, sobbing over Derek and Addison, Addison who had Derek wrapped around her little finger. And now, Mark was apparently a friend of hers too. What if Meredith ended up being all alone?

It wasn't at all like her to feel sorry for herself like this; but she could see so clearly how it could have been. Meredith and Derek, best friends, then lovers. Meredith and Derek moving in together, Meredith and Derek getting married… she stopped herself right there. She was letting her self hope after all that someday…

"Mer?"

Meredith jumped slightly on the porch when a well-known man paused in front of her. God, he was too good-looking in that dark blue shirt, his hair styled to perfection, his stubble barely noticeable.

"Mer? Is something wrong?" Derek's voice was slightly panicky. "What happened? Is it mom? Is someone hurt?"

She looked up at him as she tried to force the tears back in.

"N-no."

Derek sat down beside her on the porch. Meredith shivered when his arm wrapped around her. She had to remind herself that he was not _hers_.

"Then what's the matter?" He asked, his voice velvety in the twilight. Derek raised his free hand and let his thumb run in soothing circles on her cheek.

Was he not aware that he left a trail of scorching heat on her skin?

"Meredith?"

"Mmm?" she answered, leaning into him, closing her eyes and inhaling his scent.

"What's wrong?" he asked again, having managed to make her completely forget that he was waiting for an answer.

For the first time in her life, Meredith could not tell Derek exactly what she was thinking. It was a disturbing thought – it made her even sadder.

"I'm fine."

Derek snorted.

"You've used that word so many times, it no longer has a meaning."

Meredith hesitated.

"I- I…"

"Yeah?" Derek said in an encouraging voice.

"I can't tell you."

Derek let go of her a little. Meredith's body screamed in protest but she let it happen and avoided his eyes, knowing that she would tell him everything if she looked up into them. She felt his confused glance on her.

"Why not?"

Meredith looked Derek in the eye – definitely a mistake. She got it together, though, and smiled a thin smile at him.

"If I told you to trust me, would you let it go?"

He deliberated that for a minute. Then the corner of his mouth twitched.

"Yes. I'll let it go."

"Thank you."

Derek took her hand and smiled her favourite dreamy smile.

"But you can always come to me, Mer. We'll always be best friends."

Meredith tried not to show how much that one stung while she tried to think of something to say. She was saved by no other than Addison.

"Derek! There you are!"

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand one last time and stood up. Meredith noticed how his face lit up when Addison came into view. She was wearing an icy blue dress and matching heels, her hair in perfect ringlets down her shoulders.

Derek walked over to her and gave her a peck on the mouth before taking her hand.

"Ready for dinner?" he asked.

"I was born ready!" she answered flirtatiously and Meredith had to concentrate to not roll her eyes over that one. Seriously?

Derek just laughed, though, before he turned around and looked at Meredith.

"We should make plans, Mer. Soon."

"Yeah," she agreed and winced inwardly at the prospect. She couldn't be with him as a friend anymore, not when she _loved _him.

"See you, Meredith!" Addison giggled with just a little edge to her voice. They walked down to Derek's car and were gone in seconds.

"See you" Meredith mumbled out in the night.

She sat there on the porch for a while. She wasn't crying anymore; no, crying seemed out of place right now. It was like there was no feeling in her at all – she was empty, numb.

"Maybe you should just tell him," a soft voice commented behind her. Meredith jumped for the second time. She turned around and found Carolyn standing in the doorway, a sad smile on her face. She didn't know, did she?

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Meredith said and plastered an innocent smile on her features.

"I think you do." Carolyn's voice was gentle but also very confident.

"Well enlighten me then" Meredith laughed - a very unconvincing sound.

"You love Derek."

"What!" Meredith broke out in hilarity, trying her very best to hide the broken tone in her voice. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"Meredith," Carolyn said calmly, "You've always been a terrible liar. I admire you for that."

"I- I'm not… Carolyn… Damn it!" Meredith sobbed as the tears stung in her eyes again. She felt Carolyn's soft arms around her and automatically leaned into the well-known scent of sweet perfume and food.

They sat there, on the porch for an immeasurable period of time, Meredith crying into her true mothers blouse, Carolyn's heart breaking all over again for the girl in her arms, who never had anything easy.

There just wasn't anything she could tell her foster daughter that would make anything better. Although she would love for Meredith to be a daughter-in-law, Derek loved Addison. There was no good advice to give.

But at the same time, Carolyn felt that confrontation was inevitable. She just hoped that it wouldn't tear her family apart.


	15. Chapter 14: Is She Hot?

**I am on such a roll tonight! Show me some love ;)**

**Chapter 14: Is she hot?**

Lucas John Forbes-Montgomery, 22 years old and already co-owner of a well renowned law firm based in Washington DC, was a great man. At least he liked to think so himself. He was a popular man, if not great, he was liked and loved by everyone around him, the natural centre of attention; the Forbes-Montgomery's always were.

In other words, Lucas had everything everyone wanted: money, looks, success, powerful friends and a whole lot of charisma to go with it.

As the plane landed and the first class passengers were allowed to leave, Lucas grabbed his bag, winked one last time at the giggling stewardess and flipped on his sunglasses.

He was met by a voice that easily stood out from the crowd, high-pitched and delighted.

"Luke! Over here!"

His big sister hadn't changed much in the half year it had been since the last time he saw her. She looked good, as always, another family thing.

"Addie!" He grinned at her as he embraced her in a one-armed hug, keeping the bag in his other. She, on the other hand, threw both arms around his neck, making a great mess of his expensive suit.

"Oh my god!" she squealed and made several people look in their direction. "It's so good to see you!"

"Easy now, you don't want do squeeze the life out of me now, do you?" she let her arms drop to around his waist and they began to make their way towards the exit.

"So where's my one and only brother-in-law? Still sulking after I kicked his ass in football?"

"Derek's at the car," Addison laughed. "It was impossible to park it and he wanted to give us a minute to ourselves anyways."

"Well then," Lucas paused and pulled Addison in a new direction, towards one of the airport cafés. "Why don't we take advantage of that and drink a cup of coffee before meeting him?"

"Gotta be a quick one" Addison agreed. They placed their orders and Lucas leaned back in his chair, noticing the waitress' ass as she wriggled herself over to another table.

"Lucas!" Addison said and feigned shock. "Inappropriate!"

Lucas smirked at her, wiggling his eyebrows.

"What? She's hot."

"She's not! And it's beside the point." Addison beamed. "Anyway, I've already set you up with someone."

"Ah," Lucas looked at his big sister with some amount of seriousness. "The infamous Meredith Shepherd."

"Luke," Addison mumbled and was suddenly serious, too. "Please. I need you to do this."

"What exactly do you want me to do? Sleep with her? Marry her?"

"Of course not!" Addison shook her head violently. "God, it's bad enough that she's Derek's best friend."

"Then what?" Lucas asked sceptically. "What is it that you want me to do?"

"Just be around her. Flirt with her, make her like you; it shouldn't be too hard."

"See, now you're just stroking my ego," Lucas smirked.

"Derek is worried about her," Addison sighed, ignoring his cocky reply. "He and Mark think that she's lonely or something. Whatever. I just need her to focus on something else."

"And does Derek know about your brilliant plan?" he was beginning to crumble and she knew it.

"No and he doesn't have to. He's kind of protective of her. Mark knows, though. I don't think he minds." The last part was a lie, Addison thought, but what the hell.

Lucas was silent for a minute, deliberating. The waitress came back with their coffee and they drank in silence. Addison knew that he was considering her plea.

"Is she hot?" he finally asked.

"Guess so," Addison mumbled. "I mean, she's not ugly. Dirty blonde, slim body and nice green eyes… But she only wears boy's clothes…"

"I can work with that." Lucas smirked as he finished his coffee, waiting expectantly for his big sister's response.

"You'll do it?" Addison screeched and threw her arms around him from across the table. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Hmm…" Lucas muttered absentmindedly, not entirely sure what he had gotten himself into.

She had better be hot.

Meredith was in the tree house. Alone.

She couldn't believe Derek hadn't been up here since he got back. Yes, it was childish, no, most 18-yearolds didn't spend their days in tree houses, let alone 24-yearolds – but this place meant a lot to them both. She had helped him and Mark build it when she first came to the family; and with that she was accepted into the family.

Meredith _knew_ the tree house was important to Derek as well. Once he admitted that it was one of the only places in the house that held absolutely no memories of his father. That made it a painless place to be.

Apparently, he didn't need the painkiller now; he had a freaking antidepressant of a girlfriend constantly clinging to him.

The ladder made a sound that told her someone was on his or her way up.

"Derek?" she yelled and couldn't exclude the hope from her voice.

"Nope" a voice said, a voice she couldn't place.

"Mark?"

"Wrong again," the man smirked and then he was sitting in front of her, studying her face. He looked familiar somehow.

"You're not supposed to be up here. It's only for Derek, Mark and I." As soon as she said that, she realized how childish that must've sounded. The stranger chuckled.

"Who are they, your imaginary friends?" Something about him told her that he knew exactly who Derek and Mark were.

"Yes," she snapped and took a closer look at him.

He was wearing an expensive-looking suit but it was messy; the sleeves were rolled up and the shirt buttoned down a little, California sunglasses hanging in the v-cut. He leaned his head on his muscular arms and met her glance with a smile - a picture of comfort and ease. He had a nice face and reddish blonde hair that was the exact same colour as…

"You're Lucas Forbes-Montgomery," she stated, matter-of-factly. "Addison's brother."

"You know my name," he smirked and let his eyes wander downwards, making her feel slightly uncomfortable. "A beautiful woman who knows my name."

"I only know your name because everyone's been going on about you for the last week!" Meredith scoffed, annoyed and slightly uncomfortable with the stranger that obviously invaded her personal space.

"Is that so?" Lucas Forbes-Montgomery asked, still not bothering to keep his eyes off her chest. "Well then why don't you tell me your name?"

"You know what?" Meredith asked, having a feeling that she might not get along with Lucas. Maybe it was a Forbes-Montgomery thing. "I don't think I will."

She quickly climbed down the ladder, leaving him behind in the tree house with a big smirk on his face.

"Feisty!" he yelled after her. "I like it!"

She actually turned around and gave him a tiny smile before spinning around again. He watched her walk towards the main house, her hair bouncing in the wind and her tight ass moving from side to side in a perfect rhythm.

There was something intriguing about her persona, her behaviour that fascinated him. And she was way hotter than Addison had made it seem like.

Maybe this was going to be a lot more fun than Lucas expected it to be.


	16. Chapter 15: I Know Who You Are

**AN: I just got the best possible grade in my physics/chemistry exam! Equals good mood that equals multiple updates today when I get home from celebrating ;)**

**Chapter 15: I know who you are**

"Ha!"

Meredith's signature giggle woke Mark up from a light sleep. He sat up on the couch, his eyes searching the area to find the girl that went with the infamous sound.

She was right outside, Frisbee in hand, held out from her body as a weapon.

"I'm telling you, I'm not afraid to throw it in your face!" Meredith's playful voice was met with a deeper laugh.

"Meri, you stink at this. I think I should be more worried about you breaking a window or something, trying to hit me…"

"Hey! I caught the last one!"

"A miracle."

Mark observed a little more, having narrowed his eyes at the nickname 'Meri', before he cleared his throat loudly.

"Hey Lucas!" he called out.

Both Meredith and Lucas looked up from their Frisbee tug of war and glanced curiously at him.

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure." Lucas smiled at Meredith before walking in the general direction of the house.

The days were getting hard to separate in Mark's head. In the week Lucas Forbes-Montgomery had been at the Shepherd's residence, a pattern had formed.

Of course everyone - especially the females - had warmly welcomed the good-looking, sympathetic man. The Shepherd sisters spend the first day drooling after his every step; but it was soon pretty evident that Lucas Forbes-Montgomery wanted the company of one female in particular.

It had started with Meredith not liking Addison's younger brother very much; in fact she acted borderline hostile around him. Mark didn't know if it was her dislike of his big sister or something he had said; either way, she showed absolutely no interest, none whatsoever.

You had to give it to the man; he was persistent, always around her, and after a little while it started to pay off. Meredith opened up.

It was Addison and Derek 2.0 – without the kissing and touching and gooey eyes. Lucas was always around Meredith, cracking jokes, holding the door, making sure she'd had enough lunch or throwing a Frisbee around with her. And she was her usual, nice self – not encouraging him but not rejecting in any way

In some ways, it was good to see that Meredith had found something, someone – without seeming to even realize it. Maybe it wasn't a new Derek; but she didn't look as lonely as before.

On the other side, Mark couldn't forget what Addison had said in the tool shed a little over a week ago. Though Lucas seemed genuine enough when around her, there was a nagging suspicion, a feeling that Meredith would end up getting hurt over this.

Meredith could not be hurt. If there was something Mark hated, it was Meredith hurt.

He had always had a soft spot for the 7 years younger girl – and vice versa. Throughout the years they had protected each other so many times, found comfort in one another that couldn't be found elsewhere.

"_Mark, come on! Just tell me already." The 11-yearold Meredith smirked at him. She had to bend her neck backwards to get a good look. Mark hesitated._

"_You'll laugh at me."_

"_I won't laugh at you."_

"_You don't know that."_

_Meredith sighed audibly. Sometimes she felt like she was the more mature of the two of them._

"_I promise I won't laugh." She held up her palm, the other one on her chest, imitating a girl scout the best she knew how._

"_Promise?" Mark looked at her, trying to find any traces of lie, finding nothing. Meredith nodded._

"_Fine," he sighed. "I met someone."_

"_You met someone," Meredith stated, waiting for further explanation. Then it hit her. "Oh! You _met_ someone!"_

"_Yes." Mark glared at her, accusation in his voice when he continued. "You're laughing."_

"_Am not!" Meredith snickered. "But… But..."_

"_But?" Mark asked, exasperated._

"_You're a man whore. You don't _meet_ someone."_

_Mark didn't think long about the fact that the 11-yearold was familiar with the term 'man whore'; she probably knew much worse, hanging around him, David and Derek all day._

"_That's the problem. I'm a man whore. I don't know how to do all this stuff." Mark sat down in the grass and Meredith lay down beside him, patting his arm._

"_What kind of stuff is it you don't know?" she asked in a softer voice._

"_How to behave around her. What does she expect from me? What can I say to her? I'm 18 years old and I can't keep a conversation with a girl up for more than 10 minutes!"_

"_You keep up conversations with me."_

"_That's different. You're Mer." He said that like she was an entirely different gender, neither a girl nor a boy. Maybe it was because she was very much a kid._

"_Just talk to her like you talk to me."_

"_What, tell her what a man whore I am?" Mark snorted. Meredith giggled and he smiled at her in spite of himself._

"_Lay down," she ordered. He did as he was told, lying in the grass on the side, facing her. She looked into his eyes, a serious yet smiley expression on her face._

"_Mark," she said. "Just be you. You've already won Anna over a long time ago."_

"_Wait!" he gasped. "How do you know it's her?"_

"_It's pretty obvious now that I come to think of it. And like I said, Anna's crazy about you."_

"_Anna's into me?" Mark couldn't help the Cheshire cat-like smile spreading across his face. "How can you tell?"_

"_Well," Meredith began and began playing with a straw of grass, twisting it between index finger and thumb. "Let me see. She laughs at all your jokes, even the ones that aren't the least bit funny. Every time she's here with Kathleen she asks for you. Her face get's all scrunched up in a weird way when she sees you – like she's trying to look cool. Oh, and she told Amber who told Jo who told me two days ago."_

"_The last reason is rather convincing," Mark laughed._

"_I think so, too," Meredith agreed, serious._

"_Mer," Mark looked at her, solemn again. "Do you think I can do this?"_

_She let the grass fall out of her hand and looked up in his anxious face. The hand that was still touching his arm rubbed soothing circles on it._

"_I think you can do anything Mark."_

Mark brought himself back to reality with a big smile on his face. He and Anna were together for almost two years; but they grew apart with time and ended things on a friendly note. He didn't regret one minute of that relationship that would probably never have become anything if it weren't for Meredith's belief in him. It had been kind of nice, growing up with a girl – it was never awkward to talk when she was around. She had this way of making everyone around her more confident.

Now it was his turn to do something for her; and she would hopefully not have any idea. Marks face fell ever so slightly when he realized that Derek should be here for this. But although Derek was even more protective of Meredith than Mark, he simply hadn't been around enough to notice.

"What's up?" Lucas smiled and swung himself down on the couch beside Mark. His tan had become more pronounced, his reddishly tinted hair a shade or two lighter. The suit was long gone, dumped for denim shorts and a luxurious grey t-shirt.

When Mark didn't say anything, Lucas began to talk.

"I was talking about going to a concert the other day and Meri told me about this great place for-"

"I know who you are, Lucas." Mark cut in with a solemn expression on his face. He again found himself overly annoyed with the little pet name – Mer was Mer, not Meri.

"Excuse me?" Lucas said, confusion evident in his eyes.

"I mean I don't know you very well. But I know your type more than most because it takes one to know one." Mark's eyes narrowed. "And I know what men like you want from girls like Mer." Lucas frowned and shifted away.

"What are you suggesting?"

"Look. Meredith's not very experienced. She's never even had a proper boyfriend! I don't think she could handle to be messed around with."

"I'm not messing around with anyone!" Lucas scowled and Mark gritted his teeth a little.

"Think about it. In a question of weeks, you'll be in Washington and Mer will be at Harvard. I know that Addison asked you to spend time with her. I get that your loyalty is your sisters. Just" Mark lowered his voice "Don't hurt her."

Lucas pondered what Mark had said for a moment. Then he looked him in the eye, smiling, while he calmly replied.

"Meri and I are just having a good time. That's all. I'm not a serious guy and Meri knows that. We're just having fun." Lucas got up from the couch. "Now if you'll excuse me," he muttered and headed for the bathroom, leaving a not entirely convinced Mark behind.

In the bathroom he locked the door and splashed water on his suddenly toasty hot face, savouring the feeling of cool water running down his neck, staining his t-shirt. Trying his hardest to calm down the part of him that was too filled with chagrin.

It helped; he felt less trapped, less strangulated, less warm.

Mark was right; Lucas was the type of man that would usually end up hurting girls like Meredith. But he had absolutely no intention of messing with her. She was too precious.

It was her beautiful hair, her unintentionally flirtatious movements and her sparkle, so different and carefree compared to other girls.

He might have convinced Mark that he wasn't going to hurt Meredith. If only he could convince himself that he was not falling in love with her.


	17. Chapter 16: He likes you likes you

**Chapter 16: He likes you likes you**

"I once had a dog. Princess. I used to walk her here."

"Mm-hmm…" Meredith muttered, really trying her best to pay attention. Once again, Addison's words just went in through one of her ears and out again trough the other, not really making any lasting impression in between. And in the middle of Central Park with all the laughter, cheering and general noise, it was not hard to tune out.

"It was Lucas' dog, too, I guess. But she was my responsibility," Addison nodded proudly to herself. Then she peeked at Meredith as if she was expecting some kind of reaction to that titbit of information; disappointed when she got none.

"One time me and Rose, that's my childhood friend, dressed Princess in this little pink dress with a little tiara to go with it. It was SO cute!"

"Aha," Meredith lay down in the grass, closed her eyes and savoured the warmth on her skin, the sun that made her hair golden. "I can imagine."

She heard a sighing Addison sit down beside her and peeked out between her lashes. The poor girl looked completely uncomfortable in her stilettos on the grass; not wanting to get her clothes dirty, she supported her weight on her feet with bend knees. The peace and quiet lasted for exactly three seconds.

"Are we friends Mer? Can I call you Mer?"

"Yes," Meredith answered in an almost formal voice, trying her very best to repress a shudder. She hoped Addison didn't notice the hesitation. "To both."

"Good." Addison pursed her lips, trying to put words together in her mind. "Then I have to tell you that my brother really likes you." She studied Meredith's face, hoping to catch her reaction. When it came, though, it was pretty obvious in her voice, too.

"What, Lucas?" Meredith laughed. "Well I like him too. He's a nice person. Overconfident but that's pretty much the same with Mark and Derek."

"Mer" Addison groaned. Meredith groaned too, Addison was already using the short for her name naturally. That made her a little uncomfortable. "I mean that he _likes you _likes you."

Meredith didn't think to control her facial expression while that sank in but it couldn't have been pretty.

"What? He _likes _me?"

I didn't make sense. Lucas was a man whore, like Mark, so it was only natural that he flirted a little with her here and there. She had learned to ignore that long ago. Sure, they had been together a lot in the last week – but it wasn't like Lucas had been behaving differently towards her than towards the other Shepherds; everyone with no exception liked him. There was no sense. Or…

Sometimes, in the last few days, Meredith had caught him with this slightly familiar look in his eyes. In was glowingly happy but also a little pained, a little tortured.

Now she knew why it felt so familiar. It was the exact translation of the feelings she had whenever she laid eyes on Derek: the immense delight of seeing him mixed with the unbearable pain of knowing that he wasn't hers.

Lucas likes me, she thought and suddenly felt bad for the man. He liked a girl whose heart was very much taken by someone else – she feared it would always be.

"He does," Addison agreed and continued to speak when Meredith didn't comment in any way; she sat in the grass, frozen and bewildered-looking. "And I hate to admit it but my brother's a keeper."

"Yeah" Meredith said and felt lame. She still hadn't moved an inch.

"But he can't wait forever" Addison studied the other girl's face, trying to decipher the emotions there. "So you have to give the guy a chance."

Meredith looked up and saw an emotion in Addison's face that made her heart ache. She knew that Addison loved Derek. Derek loved Addison. And apparently Lucas had feelings for her. If she could just channel her own feelings to Lucas, everything would be perfect. Everyone could be happy.

But right now, Meredith was hurting. Addison was hurting, too, probably having realized Meredith's feelings. And now Lucas was hurting.

Just like that, Meredith was left considering.

Wouldn't it be best if she just moved on from Derek?


	18. Chapter 17: No No No

**I know, I know, this is getting a little soap-y. Stick with me please!**

**This chapter is pretty long for me but you're soooo not going to like this one…**

**Chapter 17: No. No. No.**

"What do you want to do? And didn't you want to tell me something?" Meredith asked, her voice unsure. Could he tell how uncomfortable she was?

"Yes, there was something I meant to talk to you about; but I was thinking we could just hang out," Derek leaned against the kitchen counter and flashed her his most dreamy smile, the one that always made her smile in response. "You know, just like in the old days."

And Meredith knew. Oh how she knew. It was almost too clear in her mind; how close they used to be, how much he leaned on her back then. If she ever got over loving him, could they be that close again? Or had Addison destroyed that part of their relationship for good? She had no idea.

You're wasting precious time thinking like that, a little voice in her mind told her; and she realized that the voice was right. Addison was bonding with all the she-Shepherds - and Mark, David and Peter had taken the kids to god knows where. Lucas was working from his laptop at the guesthouse.

She and Derek had the entire house for themselves.

"Just like in the old days," she agreed and looked him in the eyes. It wasn't very often she had the opportunity to do so these days – and so it took her breath away. They were so deep, endless pools. Meredith was hopelessly caught in them, addicted even. Derek was like a drug to her and in some ways she was terrified of being near him –she knew she was going to run out one day. He wasn't hers.

Derek smiled at her, uncertainty in his features as he broke off the eye contact and went to the fridge.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked, scanning the food in front of him.

"No thanks," she replied self-consciously and watched him pour a glass of juice for himself.

When did it get so awkward between them?

Derek met her eyes again but was quick to look away. He looked nervous, like he had something serious on his mind.

Meredith didn't know what to think. Almost four weeks had gone by with them acting almost like strangers, strangers that knew everything about each other, and _now_ he wanted to hang out with her?

It shouldn't be like this. Their relationship should be natural, like breathing. Say something, she begged him in her mind, desperately hoping he could somehow hear her.

Say something, Derek.

Derek actually cleared his throat.

"So what have you been up to?"

Meredith badly wanted to roll her eyes. They ate together most nights. They lived under the same roof goddamnit. And yet, he was right in asking. Derek probably didn't have a clue about her life right now. Having lived in his tiny Addison-bubble he didn't know much about anyone.

"Not much. You know, been hanging out with Mark, saw some friends the other day. I'm at the tree house a lot."

Derek's face lit up in a breathtaking smile at the mention of the tree house. She knew that a stream of childhood memories flooded his mind like it always did with her.

"I almost forgot about it. I can't believe I haven't been up there since I got back!"

"Well you should go then," Meredith smiled, relieved that they were having a conversation, a good one. One that steered clear of topics likely to make her heart ache. "There have been some improvements over the years. Lucas helped me waterproof the roof, so now we can actually keep stuff there, they won't get ruined by the rain."

She noticed how Derek's eyes narrowed a little at her words.

"Addison told me you've been spending some time with Lucas," he said, almost accusingly, which made Meredith slightly defensive. She didn't like the turn in the conversation at all. After all, it was because of Derek's absence that she hadd found herself in need of other people's company.

"Yeah I have." And so what?

"She also said she thinks he likes you a lot." Definitely accusation in his voice.

"Did she?" Meredith said and tried to sound bored, nonchalant even.

"She did." Derek scrutinized her face and continued when she kept quiet. "Do you like him?"

Meredith deliberated. She decided that honesty was the best way to take.

"I don't know."

"Are you dating him?" Derek looked slightly angry at the thought. Meredith hesitated.

She had really thought things through after talking to Addison in the park a few days ago. Wasn't it in everyone's best interest if she moved on from Derek? Couldn't she _make _herself fall in love with someone else, say someone like Lucas? She thought back to last night.

"_So this is where you live" Meredith grinned and looked around, her curiosity rising to the surface. Of course she had been at the guesthouse before; but it was different with Lucas' things scattered around the place, his sweats on a chair, his laptop on the counter, three different cell phones lined up on the nightstand. _

"_Welcome to my place," he smiled. "Want to see my collection of fossils?" _

_He was joking but Meredith could tell that he was not really into it._

"_Is something wrong?" she asked him, leaning against the bathroom door. "You've been a little distant."_

"_It's nothing," Lucas sighed and stared at his feet. He looked up when he sensed her moving closer to him._

"_Really?" Meredith asked. He caught her eyes; his warm, brown ones were comforting._

"_Really," he confirmed. Sure as hell didn't look like it._

"_Look, just tell me already!" Meredith huffed. Patience and long, meaningful silences weren't exactly her thing. She didn't know what Lucas saw in her eyes but something made him speak up, mouthing the words like he had been holding them back for a long time._

"_Look, I know that you're in love with somebody else," he paused and she got a feeling he knew exactly who that somebody was, "But I'm here for you. I want to heal you. I'll fight for you."_

_Meredith just stood there, frozen still._

"_I want to kiss you," he admitted, keeping his gaze locked with hers._

_Could she do this? Could she kiss him when her feelings were somewhere else, with someone else, entirely occupied?_

_She had to try. For everyone's sake._

"_Then kiss me," she mouthed and stepped even closer to him. His eyes went wide for a second before they both leaned in._

_Lucas' mouth covered hers, a warmth pulling against her soft lips. He tasted like wine and it was good. Until… _

_She pulled away and took a few steps back. Lucas straightened up, his face immediately twisting into a mixture of emotions; worry that he overstepped her boundaries, hurt that she pulled away so quickly. Delight from the kiss itself._

"_I'm… I'm sorry, Meri," he muttered, staring at his feet again. She smiled just a little bit at the new nickname. Meri. It sounded kind of strange. Not good, not bad. Just different._

"_Don't be," she assured him and tried to shrug the odd, guilty feeling off. There was nothing wrong with kissing Lucas. This could not be considered cheating in any way._

_If that was true, then why did she feel so dirty?_

"_I moved too fast," Lucas mumbled._

"_I'm sorry," Meredith muttered. "I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be."_

_Lucas nodded, pain and understanding twisting across his face. Meredith felt bad for him; she had come to care deeply about him in the time he had spend here. It was just not enough._

"_I should go now," she whispered and walked to the door. Lucas didn't do anything to stop her._

_Right before she shut the guesthouse's door behind her she heard him speak in an almost harsh voice that scared her just a little bit._

"_I won't stop fighting."_

"Mer?" Derek asked.

"Yeah?" she asked, blank.

"Are you dating him?"

Meredith bit her under lip.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" Meredith could tell that he was starting to get upset.

"No," she answered, calmly, "Why does that even matter to you?"

"You're my best friend and part of my family. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"And you think Lucas will hurt me?" Meredith asked, incredulous.

"I have a bad feeling about that guy."

"You know what, you didn't protest when Kathleen got married right out of high school or when Nancy married David. And both Amy and Joan gets to be with whoever they want." Meredith was getting annoyed. This was double standard.

"So?" Derek asked, apparently missing the point.

"So, why can't I date Lucas?"

"Because you're Mer," Derek answered matter-of-factly. "Mer doesn't date."

"Why not?"

"Because," Derek said, clenching his jaw, "She just doesn't."

"You don't get to tell me what the hell I do or don't!" Meredith hissed. She sat on the counter and glared at him.

Derek visibly forced back his reply with closed eyes; Meredith could see that he was counting to ten in his head.

When he opened his eyes again, they were much softer; she melted before he spoke a single word.

"I'm sorry. It's just hard for me to get used to the fact that you're no longer 5 years old. And like I said, I don't want you to get hurt." Derek's face resembled the remorseful tone. She caved. How could she not? It was Derek after all.

"It's okay," Meredith smiled and was met with an overwhelming Derek-grin. "Besides, I don't even know if we're dating anyways."

It felt normal to say; she was reminded of how she used to confide everything in him. By the look in Derek's eyes he was thinking the same.

"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" she asked after a moment of comfortable silence. Derek suddenly turned nervous again, fidgeting with his watch and shifting his weight from leg to leg. He kept quiet for a long time, only this time it was an awkward quiet, an unpromising one. Then he grabbed something from his pocket.

"I thought you should be the first one to know," he said, smiling nervously at her as he showed her the object in his palm. The six words he stumbled out felt unreal, impossible to Meredith.

"I'm asking Addison to marry me."

Black spots were appearing in her vision as all sound was cut off by a loud, ringing noise. Her legs were oddly wobbly beneath her. No.

No no no no no no

"Meredith?" Derek's soft voice managed to make it's way through the thick layers of denial; she was positive she would hear his voice trough anything.

"Say something," he pleaded. She slowly collected the remains of herself and looked up to meet his anxious eyes.

"Mer, are you okay?"

"You're _what_?" she finally got enough coherency to ask, her voice breaking on the last word. Derek seemed to be assured that she was fine; and his facial expression went from slightly concerned to an overexcited one in a matter of milliseconds. He would have looked funny if she wasn't positive that nothing could ever be funny again. Not to her.

"I'm going to ask her tonight. I'm taking her to her favourite restaurant in the city. I'm almost certain she'll say yes, I mean, she's been hinting ever since we started dating. Saying how she always wanted a summer wedding, always stopping at bridal shops. Do you like the ring? I got it from Tiffany's." Meredith was almost sure he didn't take a breath in between any of those sentences. He hesitantly opened his mouth again and she knew the most important question would be thrown at her now. She shielded herself as much as she could, awaiting the next blow, knowing that if it was a hard one, it would probably knock her down.

"Do you think she'll say yes?"

Meredith had spent his ramble trying to get herself together. It was not that the pain of loving Derek was new; it was just so much worse, so many times worse, a hundred thousand times. Yet, she had been dealing with this pain for almost a month; and she was able to hold it back. For now.

"Of course she'll say yes!" she squealed and smiled a giddy smile she didn't think would be able to fool anyone. Derek seemed fooled, though, stuck in his own little world.

"You really think so?" Derek asked, a huge smile on his face. It didn't make her smile now; she knew this smile was not for her.

"I know so," she gushed, channelling her inner Addison. She could feel it coming, the misery, and knew she had to get out of there as soon as possible.

"And the ring is beautiful," she commented, keeping her eyes on the round object in his palm. It was golden with a giant, shiny stone that would be centre of a lot of attention. Just like the girl who was going to wear it. "It's exactly right for her."

"I know right?" Derek laughed. Was he really not sensing the difference in their moods? To Meredith, the tension in the room was edible. "I caught her look at it last week. She left this magazine with post its and notes in it on the-"

"Derek," Meredith said, breaking him off. "I have to go now. Good luck with Addison."

"I was planning to meet up with David and Mark anyways. You okay?" he asked and she flinched. He just had to force her to lie to him one more time, hadn't he?

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said out of habit, noticing only then the roll of his eyes as she said the f-word. "Really. I'm good." She paused and looked at him, smiling just a little. He smiled back.

"You know, Addison would probably want you to be her maid of honour. Or you could be my best man. I'm sure Mark wouldn't mind."

"Yeah," she said and hoped that the tears in her eyes could be mistaken for happy ones. "I would like that." She walked up to him and patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm happy for you, Derek."

With that she turned around and walked away, desperately trying not to run but keep a dignified pace. When the front door smacked behind her, she ran as fast as she could.

There was only one place she wanted to go right now.

"Come in!" she heard as she knocked violently on the door. She opened it; warily she stepped in and shut it behind her. The voice greeted her, surprised.

"Meri."


	19. Chapter 18: I'll Make You Forget

**Disclaimer: okay, this may or may not be offensive to some. Things happen, but what can I say… not all the way. If you feel like it, skip this chapter. I'll tell you what happened in the beginning of the next.**

**Please don't hate me too much. I'll make it up…**

**Chapter 18: I'll make you forget**

"_Come in!" she heard as she knocked violently on the door. She opened it; warily she stepped in and shut it behind her. The voice greeted her, surprised._

"_Meri."_

Lucas looked up from his bed where he was sitting with his laptop. Paperwork was spread around him as well as the cell phones and some empty coffee cups. There were also a couple of empty bottles. Meredith was a little taken aback by those; it wasn't even noon.

"Have you been drinking?" she asked, suspicion creeping into her voice.

"No," he answered and she raised her eyebrows, eyeing the bottles on the floor. "I mean, yes. No." He took a deep breath, his voice a little slurred. "I mean I have but I usually don't do that."

"Then why today?" Meredith asked, working to keep her voice steady. This was good distraction.

Lucas hesitated. He kept his eyes on the computer.

"I thought I scared you off yesterday," he mumbled.

"Oh." She couldn't really make herself care; she felt a breakdown coming, still, she did everything to hold it at bay. Nonetheless Meredith could feel that outside her bubble of sorrow, Lucas was not his usual, put together, bright and shiny self. Maybe she meant more to him than she thought. Or maybe she was imagining things and it was just the alcohol that had this effect on him. Again, she didn't have it in her to bother.

"Yeah. Oh." He put the computer aside and collected the papers in a big pile. Meredith noticed that he couldn't walk straight let alone organize his work. He had been drinking more than she thought. Or maybe he just couldn't hold very much.

"Because of the kiss?" Meredith asked, sitting down on the bed beside him.

Lucas met her eyes; looked into them like he only now realized that she wasn't exactly joyful. Her whole body was curled around itself, arms tightly holding her together. She hadn't been crying as far as he could tell, but her facial expression was broken. She was broken.

"Yes," he hesitated and had difficulty focusing his eyes on anything. "Because of the kiss."

Meredith studied Lucas' face. Ha hadn't asked her what was wrong. She was grateful for that because if he had, she would bail. But then she remembered what he said to her yesterday.

_But I'm here for you. I want to heal you. I'll fight for you._

"Lucas," she said in a serious voice, forcing him to meet her eyes.

Some place, deep down, she knew that this would be beyond wrong, it would screw her up, worse, it would screw Lucas up; it wasn't healthy. But Meredith was drowning, deep in an ocean of darkness. She needed relief. She needed to feel wanted.

"Meri?" he asked her.

"Heal me," she whispered and leaned in to kiss his astonished lips.

The kiss wasn't sweet or gentle like the first one. It was filled with raw pain, salty from the tears that had started running down her cheeks; beer was the main flavour, a flavour that made her sick to her stomach. It was brutal in a way, all the tenderness gone, leaving only lust in its trail.

"Meri!" Lucas said, breaking off for air for a short second, with a tone that could only be described as a moan. Meredith didn't respond in any way. She closed her eyes and tried to convince herself that this was good, this was what she wanted…

She couldn't hold back a gasp when his hand went from her lower back and down to her ass. Lucas chuckled knowingly, apparently misreading the sound as one of pleasure. In truth, Meredith felt uncomfortable and awkward but most of all, she was numb. It didn't matter.

"You like that huh?" he smirked around her mouth and let one of his hands go further down the edge of her panties while the other one went up along her hip, across her flat stomach until it lay on her breast. Meredith rarely wore a bra. Right now she wish she did so she couldn't feel his large, clammy, hot palm touching her skin through her t-shirt.

Lucas moved his mouth from hers and began to nibble on her throat. He pressed his body against her and began to fumble with the zipper on her jeans.

She thought she would feel something, something beside that numbness, that she would feel alive. But Meredith couldn't feel a thing.

"Lucas." No reaction. His hands roamed over her body, making her feel somewhat awkward and filthy. She tried again.

"Lucas."

"Mhmm."

"I…" She paused and tried to form a coherent sentence.

"Just… stop thinking," he told her and went to kiss her again. She tried, she really did. But she caught herself wondering what Derek's lips would feel like, how she would feel if he looked at her that way…

"I can't."

"Damnit Meredith!" he muttered against her lips. "He's not for you. He doesn't love you like I do."

Tears finally welled up in her eyes. Lucas moved away from her enough to see the moisture running down her cheeks.

"You're crying" he whispered, surprised, and let go of her. She stood up and zipped her jeans in a swift motion.

"I'm not crying!" she yelled as she quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks. She moved to get out but he caught her wrist.

"Shit. Meri-" he whispered.

"Stay away from me!" Meredith yanked her arm out of his grip and he let it go willingly.

Before he got himself together she was out of the door.

"Shit!" he said again to no one in particular.

Her wallet. Two clean shirts. A blanket. Passport. She pulled out her phone and looked at it for a moment before tossing it out the window.

Most of her things, clothes, computer, pictures and memories remained in her room on their regular places. She had to let them go – and it was not like she could use any of them anyways.

Meredith put on her backpack and took a last look at the room that had been hers for 13 years. A few hours ago, she would never have thought that she would have to say goodbye to that room. She would have felt petrified. Now she was too numb to care.

The sun drew patterns on her bed; it felt wrong, bizarre that it was in the middle of the day when her thoughts were nothing but black.

She was about to close the door behind her when something caught her eye. Meredith walked over to the bookshelf and hesitated. Then she pulled the worn paperback copy of _The Sun Also Rises _out and made room for it in the backpack.

Walking through the empty house was odd. It was a place full of life and laughter; still, she couldn't shake the grave feelings off.

This was probably another bad decision but at this point she couldn't make herself care.

_He's not for you. He doesn't love you._

She had to get out of there; it was too much, way too much. Meredith took one last look at the only place she'd ever truly considered her home.

Then she was gone.


	20. Chapter 19: I Love Him

**Chapter 19: I love him**

Addison Forbes-Montgomery took a sip of her latte, a small bite of her cookie and stared out the window to outside where the rain was pouring down.

Many mixed feelings went through her system, the other ones making it impossible for just one to overpower her mind. First of all…

She was brilliantly happy, even more than her usual, cheerful self. She had a big, fat ring on her finger, showing the whole world that she was Derek Shepherd's property, his choice and the woman that he wanted to marry. When she thought about the upcoming wedding, she couldn't help but smile dreamily, imagining her big moment; in the spotlight where she belonged. All the attention on her in a pretty white dress – she and Derek's parents had money enough for the most fabulous wedding in the entire history of the world, a wedding that would put everyone else, even her Upper East Side acquaintances, to shame…

But Addison was also confused. Because although Derek had promised her he was in no way backtracking or backing out, he was not happy. None of the Shepherd family was.

She was angry. She was angry with precious, little Meredith for stealing her thunder - and for making her one-and-a-half week of engagement hell on earth. Angry because Mark, David, Lucas and the sisters were out of their minds, worrying, constantly coming up with new places to look. Angry because Carolyn Shepherd was crying non-stop, having not uttered a single word of blessing or congratulation. And because Derek was… Not Derek anymore.

Instead of gushing over dresses or discussing flowers, everyone had been searching. Everywhere they could possibly think she might have went they had called to. When that didn't get them any further, they all got on airplanes, desperately hoping to track Meredith down…

Dartmouth, New Hampshire. That's where Addison was assigned to go. And with what luck…

In front of her, rapidly moving around in her chair, glancing at other people in the bar was Meredith.

She didn't look good. Her hair was a little greasy; several dark shadows were forming under her eyes, eyes that were red and puffy.

Addison couldn't help but notice that Meredith's glance kept moving down to the ring on her finger. Every time it happened, she looked just about ready to burst into tears.

Addison cleared her throat and Meredith's head snapped up. She looked embarrassed, uncomfortable.

"I see that Derek got the ring on you," she commented. Addison didn't know what to think; regardless, she had enough experience with avoiders to know that Meredith was going to small talk. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," Addison sighed when she thought of the broken look on Derek's face. Was it wrong that she wished _she_ could make him as miserable as Meredith could? Probably.

Well if Meredith could pretend that everything was as per the usual – Addison could, too.

"You know, we called the college to check if you were here. They said that there was no Meredith Shepherd." Like that. That sounded sort of casual and everyday-like. Only it wasn't.

Meredith was quiet for a long moment and Addison wondered if she was deliberating whether to be honest or not. When the girl finally spoke, the words were riddled with obvious pain.

"That's because it's Grey now. Meredith Grey. I changed it back."

It annoyed Addison to imagine exactly how hurt Derek would feel if he knew that. She was beginning to wish she hadn't found the missing girl.

"I see."

"Are…" Meredith was trying to say something and Addison could tell that she was afraid to do so but in the same time anxious to.

"Yes?"

"Are they worried about me?" She asked timidly, concern in her voice.

The truthful answer would be a big fat _yes;_ but Addison couldn't say it. She hadn't told Meredith anything and now she simply couldn't admit that Derek was out of his mind, that none of the Shepherds had gotten any sleep at all in days and that no one seemed to think about the engagement. Because that would make her a failure. Addison Forbes-Montgomery, soon to be Shepherd, was not a failure.

"They're okay," she lied, shrugging. "I mean, of course they're a little surprised you left so abruptly, but with the upcoming wedding they haven't had much time..."

"I see." Meredith looked on the verge of tears again; but also a little relieved.

Addison was about to say something else but Meredith interrupted her, perhaps afraid that the heavy questions were about to come.

"You should see my roommate. Christina. She's a handful."

"Meredith…"

"The very first thing she said to me was '_Don't bother talking to me, I eat girls like you for breakfast'. _At first, I was-"

"Meredith." Addison stated, a little louder but she was meticulously ignored.

"At first I was actually a little scared of her. But then the other day-"

"Meredith."

"The other day," Meredith rambled, cutting her sentence short to take a deep breath, "We shared a pizza and she's actually really funny in her own way once you…"

"MEREDITH!" Addison yelled, making several people in the café turn their heads in her direction, effectively shutting Meredith up.

"Y-yes?" the latter stuttered and stared at her feet.

"What the hell were you thinking? You left?"

Meredith stared at her untouched mocha latte. She sat very still for a very long moment. Then, slowly, small shivers shook her body. When she finally looked up, tears were forming in her eyes, making the dead, empty orbs watery and ocean-like.

"I- I'm s-sorry," Meredith mumbled.

"Well pack your things. The plane leaves in three hours." Addison sighed. She still couldn't believe the stupid girl would be as selfish as to pull a stunt like that on her engagement night.

Meredith was pulled out of her trance at those words.

"No," she said, resolve evident in her voice.

"What do you mean 'no'?" Addison asked, feeling herself getting more and more annoyed. Was Meredith even able to do things the easy way?

"I'm not going back to New York."

"Wait _what_?"

"You heard me," Meredith shrugged defensively, staring down again, biting her lip.

"Why the hell not?"

"It's better that way."

"_Why_?" Addison asked, her voice going up an octave or two.

"Addie," Meredith sniffled and when she looked up, Addison was finally able to catch some emotion in her wet green eyes. "I love him. In a really, really big pretend to like his taste in music, let him eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside his window… unfortunate way that makes me hate him, love him. And he's with you. He loves you."

And just with that, Addison was convinced.

She knew Meredith loved Derek of course; it was painfully obvious. But she never knew that Meredith was aware of this herself; and that changed everything.

Surely, Derek didn't love her back; but he would do anything for Meredith. Addison couldn't have that. She couldn't have her fiancé's best friend pining over him. Meredith seemed to have sensed that; it was an overly dramatic decision but who was she to complain? Teenagers make overly dramatic decisions all the time.

Suddenly, Addison felt like smiling. Sure, Derek would be upset over it – but they would figure it out in time. This could be a blessing in disguise.

"I see," she choked out, almost unable to hide her smile.

"Good," Meredith sniffled though she sounded anything but it.

"So where do we go from here?" Addison asked. She briefly wondered if there was more to this story; Meredith was normally such an even-tempered girl. But who really cared? She pushed the thought aside.

Meredith sucked in a deep breath as she read the acceptance in Addison's voice.

"I use my father's money to get through med school here. You go back to", she swallowed convulsively, "Derek and pretend you didn't find me."

"Will you be okay here?" Addison asked out of politeness.

"I'll be fine." Meredith gave the most timid smile. "It'll be like I was never there in the first place."


	21. Chapter 20: Do You Think I'm Mental?

**Hi! Thanks for all the feedback for the last couple of chapters. It means a lot. **

**I just wanted to pop in and say that this chapter marks a new part of this story – we're jumping seven years forward, into the present, and things have definitely changed. Some might realize that part of this chapter is taken from the prologue and edited slightly – just to give you a reminder…**

**So please, read, review and enjoy :)**

**Chapter 20: Do you think I'm mental?**

***7 years later*******

Derek Shepherd was a man who rarely let himself think.

He preferred to keep himself occupied; whether it was with surgery, medical research or a bottle of scotch, he was never empty handed or left alone with his thoughts. Thinking was overrated. Thinking was stupid, depressing, painful, even. He knew exactly why he avoided his own mind.

He couldn't think without thinking of _her._

Meredith.

_Meredith._

How did everything get so screwed up? Seven years, countless hoursit had been_,_ and yet _she_ was still in the back of his mind, flashing him her soft smile whenever he closed his eyes. It was the most beautiful smile in the world; so absolutely enticing and somewhat healing - but always accompanied by the immense amount of grief that rushed over him. Pain mixed with pleasure. He used to curl up in a ball on the bathroom tiles whenever she took over his mind, letting the water splatter down his shoulders, ruining suit after expensive suit – but when his wife had found out, that had been the first time he had seen that look; the look of pure regret in her eyes.

Derek knew he was not the good husband he had always pictured himself as. He never asked how his wife's day had been, he never called when he went out with Mark, he stayed at the hospital almost every night and he drank more than he should. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd had sex…

No, Derek wasn't the man she had fallen in love with. He was a shell, an utterly empty one, and he knew it. In clearer moments than this one he felt guilty for being a disappointment - he just simply couldn't care enough to make an effort to change things. For so long, the only thing on his mind had been _her_, finding _her_.

_She's dead, you know. _That was how Addison had put it on numerous occasions, wrapping her arms around him, kissing him softly. Her voice would be gentle. Her fingers would be cold and clammy when they caressed his forehead. And yet he would feel strangulated, trapped and held back.

_Yeah_ he would always mutter in answer, his tone unconvincing and his expression miles away. He wouldn't loose hope. Though everyone around him seemed to have given entirely up, he would never let her go.

She was alive.

_She had to be alive._

Meredith didn't die. She was simply not the type, not _that_ girl. She was too strong, had survived too much to give up on life now. Derek would know it if she was dead. He would be able to forget her and move on if she wasn't in this world anymore. Then he wouldn't see her face on every stranger on the street, hear her voice and loose all train of thought, he wouldn't _feel _her.

Right?

Was he fooling himself? Was it just that the thought of her leaving by own free will seemed less painful than the idea of her being dead? Was it just that he couldn't live in a world where she didn't exist? No. No, he couldn't believe that.

Derek's eyes tickled slightly, his breathing came in rough little gasps. He could feel the shivers making their way down his spine, slowly, torturously numbing his body but not his pain.

See, that was what happened when Derek Shepherd allowed himself to think.

It wasn't as frequent as it used to be, so why was it hitting him so hard today? Today of all days, the first day of his new job, would be the day he got caught up in the memories of his long lost best friend_._ He just stood there, in the hospital's lobby, unable to move a muscle, unable to see the concerned, knowing looks exchanged between his wife and best friend. His best friend who was not his best friend, but his _only _friend since…

Maybe it was the awareness of being in Seattle, the city where Meredith spend the first five years of her life. Maybe it was the fact that _she_ had made her way around this particular hospital, playing in the morgue, napping in on-call rooms, drawing on patient's charts and running from the nurses. It was pathetic and stupid; but being in Seattle made him feel closer to _her_.

Derek was still completely frozen in place.

It was crazy; he was crazy, absolutely lingering on the edge of insane. But as he had entered Seattle Grace Hospital, he'd caught a scent so familiar, a scent he had grown accustomed to over many years, a scent that he hadn't inhaled for way too long. A scent that made his dull heart flutter and his reluctant mind wander.

The scent of lavender.

"Mer!"

Meredith jumped a little in her seat.

"Mer, what's wrong?" Lexie asked in a more-than-necessary concerned voice. After two weeks of internship, Meredith was still not quite used to the idea of having a sister almost her own age. That meant her dead father had moved directly on to his new family, which made her even more disgusted that she had used his money to go to medical school. On the other side, she missed having sisters. And in some ways, Lexie reminded her a little bit of Kathleen.

Kathleen.

How weird it felt to think that name without tearing up. A slight ache in her chest, that's all she experienced.

Meredith had only recently discovered that she could now think about her past without breaking down. Well, some of her past.

"It didn't look like nothing," George protested, uneasily shifting from the backseat, sandwiched in between Alex and Lexie. That guy was a little odd, sweet but odd nonetheless. "You had that face again."

"What face?"

"The Bambi's-mother-died face," Alex snorted. "Seriously Grey, you look miserable. You need to get laid."

George's face became bright red while Lexie reached over and smacked Alex in the head. The three of them began to discuss loudly, Lexie's chirpy, disgusted voice octaves above the other two's.

Christina kept quiet, a knowing look on her face as she glanced at Meredith. The latter was holding on to the steering wheel for dear life, her knuckles white.

"It's been long since this has happened," she muttered, so low that only Meredith could hear.

Meredith forced a little smile to calm her best friend, or her best friend if you didn't count… She couldn't think the name.

"Do you think I'm mental?" she asked.

"Sure I do." Christina smiled a little at Meredith's annoyed huff. "But not as much as when I met you."

"It's getting better," Meredith agreed, finally tapping her foot on the pedal, pulling out of the hospital's parking lot. She didn't pay any attention to her roommates, still bickering in the back.

As the car turned around, she involuntarily, addictively, took one last look at Seattle Grace Hospital, searching the spot in the hall, she could have sworn was occupied by a certain someone just a minute ago. Nothing.

Maybe she really was mental. Maybe she needed professional help.

How could she still be seeing him everywhere? Was seven freaking years not enough? Wasn't there supposed to be some kind of limit to the time she had to suffer over this?

Seven years and her unruly mind still wandered every time she saw a head with curly, black hair. Her heart still flat lined for just a second.

She still needed him.


	22. Chapter 21: I Heard Her

**Chapter 21: I heard her**

"Miranda," Derek greeted the resident and nodded at her interns with an attempt at a friendly smile. Truth was he was out of practice; it felt odd to use his jaw muscles that way. Dr. Bailey looked up from her chart to find him leaning against the nurses' station. Some men might have crumbled to dust under the look she gave him.

"What? It's your name, it says so on your lab coat." The glare hardened even more, if that was possible. "I'll just call you Bailey then…"

"Dr. Shepherd," the doctor finally acknowledged him with a slight nod, reaching out her short arms for yet another chart. "Wipe that pathetic grimace off your face, it looks like you're in pain."

He was in pain, continuous pain, but he figured that he better get a good start with the so-called Nazi. In the three days he had worked here, he had heard enough gossip to know to step carefully around her.

Derek glanced to his side, rolling his eyes at Mark, who was clearly spying on him, before returning his attention to the short woman in front of him.

"You know that I'm your boss right?" he frowned.

Dr. Bailey sighed.

"What do you need?" She sure cut right to the chase.

"I need to borrow a couple of your interns," he said. "One of my patients are having stress-related seizures. I need someone to stress her out so we can map them in her brain."

Bailey glanced back, only now noticing that two of her minions were missing. Three of her interns were standing there, eagerly bouncing up and down at the thought of getting in on a neuro case with the new hotshot attending.

"Where's O'Malley and the other Grey?" she barked.

Something triggered Derek's memory at the name _Grey _but he shrugged it off.

"They're due in 15 minutes, Dr.," a girl with shoulder-length, rich brown hair and happy features informed after looking at her watch. Why was Derek having a hard time looking at her? Oh right, because her eyes were the exact shape of Meredith's.

Meredith.

Derek stopped himself before he let his thoughts run too far. Now was not the right time.

"Well then," she hesitated for a second, studying the eager faces. "Karev, Grey. Go read Shepherd's patient's chart. Then stress her out."

"Will do," the one that was Dr. Karev smiled, as he took off, the pretty brunette hot on his heels. The third intern, an Asian female with unruly curls, was left alone with a disgruntled scrunching up her face into a sour pout.

"Yang," Bailey said, not even facing her intern, apparently this woman knew everything. Dr. Yang's face smoothed out immediately, a remorseful, timid expression taking over.

"Dr. Bailey?"

"Quit the sulking and go home," the woman ordered, "You haven't left this place in days."

"But I- my house is an hour from here," the girl innocently stated. "Maybe I should just sleep here because I don't think I can drive that l-"

"Go. Lay down. Now!" Bailey muttered. Yang took off with a smirk evident on her face.

Bailey turned to Derek who had been watching without commenting. She stared at him for a few seconds. Then she turned to leave.

"Stupid brainless brain man, stealing all my interns…" he heard her mumble. Derek shook his head.

His legs were aching and he sat down in one of the comfortable waiting room seats, allowing himself a short break. Thinking back to the phone conversation he'd just had with his mother.

"_Shepherd," he answered in a monotonic, lifeless voice, not bothering to check the caller._

"_Derek!" his mother reprimanded. "Now is that a way to answer your phone?"_

"_Sorry mom," he sighed. It was routine, ritual. She would ask and he would answer, always sorry. Since she called almost every day, he wondered why they didn't stop saying that._

"_So how's it going in Seattle?"_

"_It's fine mom. Everything's fine."_

"_And Addison? She's settling down?" Derek could hear the dislike in his mother's voice; with time it had become less and less of a secret that neither Carolyn nor Amelia had much respect for his wife of six years._

"_Addison's fine, too," he mumbled. He wished he had something with more life in it to say – but his mind was absolutely blank. "And Mark. He's also fine"_

"_That's great," Carolyn whispered. There was a long, awkward pause. Then she asked what she always asked._

"_Any news about-"_

"_No," Derek interrupted her, annoyance clear in his voice._

"_You're sure?" Carolyn's breath hitched and he suddenly felt bad for snapping at her. She was after all the only one beside himself who hadn't given up on hope._

"_She's not coming back mom," Derek sighed._

"_How can you say that!" his mother cried out. "She might! She might come back! Or are you saying she's death like everyone else?"_

"_Mom, calm down. Of course not," Derek hurried out, feeling guilty. "I'm just saying there's no news."_

"_Sorry," Carolyn breathed. "I just- I miss her."_

_Derek felt the old wounds rip open once again. Would this torture ever end?_

"_Me too."_

"Thanks for the ride," George mumbled for the umpteenth time. He looked at her and smiled timidly. "I should really get my own car."

"There's not really need for it," Meredith smiled. "I mean we live together. You can always ride with Lexie or me."

"True," George said. He shut the car door behind him and waited for her. His eye was caught by something in the parking lot.

"But I would kill for a car like that one," he said, pointing at a black Porsche, exactly expensive-looking enough to stroke a surgeon's ego.

Meredith froze, staring blankly at the car.

It was the car _he_ had always wanted. She couldn't count the times he and Mark had bored her to death with moaning over this car.

I'll never know if he bought that car, she thought to herself, her heart jolting unevenly as it had so many times before.

"Meredith?" George asked reverently. "You're wearing the face again."

She shook her head to clear her thoughts before she plastered a smile on her face.

"I am not! And the Porsche would probably have to wait a couple of years," she smiled. "I mean until you become a world-renowned surgeon and all that."

George blushed.

"I- thanks…"

They kept on walking. Just when Meredith was pushing the hospital door open, she heard George mutter something.

"I'm sorry what?"

"Nothing!" George swallowed. "Just that… your shoes are pretty."

Meredith looked down at her shoes. They were white ballerina flats with lace – probably the most feminine shoes she owned. She had figured that if she didn't use them on the drive from home to work, when would she ever?

"Thanks George," she snickered and went to the vending machine in the hall, deciding to re-stock her empty locker. "You sure you're not gay?"

George spluttered and his face went red all over again.

"No! I mean, yes, I'm sure. That I'm not. Gay, not sure-" He took a deep breath. "I'm not gay."

Meredith giggled loudly, patting him on the back as the vending machine spat out various items that she put in her bag.

"Easy now. Whatever you say."

George ignored that, still blushing furiously.

"We have to hurry up Mer. Don't you need to change before Bailey spots you?"

"You can go," Meredith sighed and smiled at him. "I have a meeting with the Chief."

"Why? You haven't done anything have you?"

"I think he wants to introduce me to the flashy new neuro attending... He knows I love neuro."

"W-why would he do that?" George asked, surprised.

"He used to babysit me from time to time when I was a little girl," Meredith's brows furrowed. "I guess he's not against double standards."

"Oh," was the only thing George could think to say. He glanced at his watch and jumped.

"Have to go!" he shouted and gone was he.

Meredith giggled again and went to the elevator to get to Chief Webber's office.

Derek froze in his tracks, the nurse walking behind him almost knocked into him. He stood completely still outside his office in shock.

What was that sound?

He was immediately carried right back in his childhood, Meredith's beautiful eyes, her long, pink hair, her freckled nose, her big smile. Her giggle. Even after seven years, he would recognize that sound anywhere.

Her giggle.

He could have sworn it was her. He would bet all his money, all his belongings, and his own life that it was Meredith giggling. Only… Meredith was gone.

"Dr. Shepherd? You okay?" someone asked. Some part of Derek's mind recognized the person as Dr. Robbins, pediatric surgeon. He simply couldn't answer her.

"Derek!" this voice was well known. He felt himself being shoved by a strong hand and was suddenly sitting on a bed. He faintly heard the on-call room's door shut and lock.

"Derek," the familiar voice repeated, softer this time. "Snap out of it."

"Mark," Derek choked, unable to breathe as deep as he felt he should. "I heard her."

"You heard her," Mark repeated, clearly not believing what he heard. There was no need to ask who 'her' was.

"I heard her." Derek abruptly tried to stand up but he was held down by Mark's firm grip.

"Let me go! I have to find her…" He struggled against Mark but gave up. He was too weak in his knees.

"Derek…"

"It was her. I swear it was her…"

"Derek."

"WHAT?" Derek turned to look at Mark's face. He felt sick at the emotions showing there. Worry. Pain. Pity.

"Do you even miss her Mark?"

Mark swallowed something and when he was done, his eyes were filled with moisture. For the second time that day, Derek felt guilty for hurting his family.

"Yes," Mark sighed. "Of course I miss her. You know that. But Derek…"

"But what?"

"Don't you ever think that…?" Mark hesitated. Derek had a bad feeling about this one.

"…Think that?"

"That she doesn't want to be found?"

Derek leaned back on the bed, cold creeping down his spine.

Of course he thought of that. Of course he had thought of every single possibility until he was absolutely sure it didn't make sense. It didn't.

"But why on earth would she not want to be found?" Derek asked. Mark was quiet for a moment.

"I… I don't know."

"I- just- I can feel it. She's not okay," Derek whispered.

They sat there for a while. Then Derek stood up, smirking bleakly at his friend.

"I better go now. If people knew we're in an on-call room with the door locked, your man whore reputation would be destroyed before it has even spread."

Mark groaned and grimaced but was happy that Derek seemed okay.

"Yeah, go Shep. Remember that you've got a meeting with Chief Webber in," he took a look at his watch, "five minutes ago."

"What would I do without you Mark?" Derek grinned and opened the door.

"I honestly have no idea," Mark smirked and watched his friend go, almost positive that Derek was fine. As fine as he ever was.

Derek walked the short distance from his office to the Chief's. He knocked on the door and opened it without waiting for permission.

"Chief, you wanted to see me," he said, closing the door behind him, taking his time before glancing up, taking a look around the office.

The sight that met him took his breath away.


	23. Chapter 22: Hello

**Yes, I just left you there ;) Anyways, thanks for all the comments; you guys continue to amaze me. Now here's a chapter that's been a long time coming…**

**Chapter 22: Hello**

"Chief, you wanted to see me."

Meredith, who had been shifting uncomfortably and impatiently around in her hard chair, snapped her head up at the bored, uninterested voice.

The sight that met her took her breath away.

Sure, he had changed a little. The stubble was pronounced, the jaw line sharper, more stubborn, slightly longer, too. His physique had developed as well, the contours of his muscular chest barely visible under the dark blue attending scrubs and white lab coat.

Other things were exactly like they had been seven years ago. His lean figure, his wild, thick hair, the crooked nose, the lips… The eyes.

Cerulean blue orbs accentuated by the scrubs, beautiful as ever - though filled with a deep sadness, gentle hurt behind the blank expression that was new to her and not very welcome. The boy she remembered didn't know a thing about unhappiness – or at least he didn't show it – and she had preferred it to stay that way.

Meredith couldn't know how he had learned about unhappiness and hurt; all she could do was hope that it wasn't caused by her. She had a bad feeling, though.

Derek Christopher Shepherd closed the door carefully and glanced around the room. He, too, froze as soon as their eyes met.

He looked like someone who was experiencing the aftermath of a punch in the gut.

"Mer" he simply mouthed and she savoured the sound of his voice, even if it was only a low murmur, a quiet whisper. His facial expression shifted through more emotions than Meredith could ever name.

Shock. Hurt. Relief. Blank. Pain. Astonishment. Sorrow. Disbelief. Anger. Amazement. Grief.

More hurt.

If it wasn't so deathly serious, if they were back in the old days, Meredith might have laughed at him. Laughed at the rapid, manic changes in his features that made him look like a cartoon animation.

Laughing was the absolute last thing on her mind in this moment.

Had only a few seconds passed? An unknown part of her registered that someone was speaking.

"Shep," Chief Webber greeted the man in front of her. "I wanted to introduce you to Meredith Grey."

Derek was still frozen in place, his glance locked with hers. At the word _Grey _his eyes widened, then narrowed in grief, pain yet again the dominating emotion on his face.

Meredith cringed. She knew how much it had meant to Derek that she had called herself Shepherd, been a Shepherd, not a Grey, not the girl whose mother left and father ignored. That she had changed her name back to something she utterly despised and didn't relate to in any way would hurt him deeply.

They both know that her last name was a huge reminder of the fact that she was no longer a part of his family.

"I used to babysit her when she was no more than months old," the Chief grinned at Meredith with a proud, fatherly gleam, seemingly not noticing that she paid close to no attention to him. "She's only an intern but she has one hell of a talent and is one the same page as a lot of our residents. How could she not with the blood in her veins? She's bred. Ellis Grey's daughter."

Richard Webber looked from his promising neuro surgeon to his trophy intern. None of them moved an inch, their eyes not leaving each other at any time. The Chief continued to speak, finally noticing the tension between the two, a tension that for Meredith felt edible, feel-able.

"Meredith here has already shown an interest and preference for neurology and I've decided to give her more hours in that department. So you're going to spend a lot of time with each other."

Silence.

Derek had no idea how to make his feet move, how to tear his eye away from her.

She looked good, his Meredith.

Her long, blonde tresses were pulled into a messy pile on the top of her head, several strings of hair framing her gorgeous, heart-shaped face with the amazing, clean complexion and soft, plump mouth. Her stormy, green eyes, filled with utter shock, were tired. No, it went deeper than that. Derek frowned inwardly as he suspected that she was not happy.

Meredith hadn't changed into scrubs; her grey blouse fit snugly around her curves as well as her slim jeans. She was slim but not muscular or hard; somehow still soft and incredibly petite. Derek took every single bit of her in, from her lace-y white ballerina flats, tracking her curves all the way up to her face wherefrom she was still staring blankly at him.

Time had made an impression on Meredith but it seemed to only make her more beautiful than he remembered, painfully so. It was the beauty of experience, of wisdom and maturity in her eyes and. It was stunning.

Richard Webber cleared his throat.

Derek didn't know what to feel. But in this moment he pushed all his feelings back, pulling reality to the centre stage of his messy mind.

On legs that felt slightly wobbly, he took a step forward, and another one and another one until he was suddenly standing in front of Meredith's chair.

"Hello Mer," he said, not bothering to disguise the fact that they were far from strangers, and flashed her a smile, marvelling at how easy and natural it felt to do so. Derek held his hand out for her to take.

"Oh! You two know each other?" Richard Webber asked. You could almost see puzzle pieces try to fit together in his mind now that their awkward behaviour made slightly more sense. Then his face abruptly changed into other emotions that were just as easy to read; he worried if his newest conquest, one of the brightest rising stars of neurology and his absolute favourite intern that he didn't do much to disguise his preference for, were able to work together.

Meredith hesitated; Derek's smile faltered and then faded.

But then, slowly, almost fearfully she held out her hand, whispering something in a throaty voice he would recognize anywhere.

"Hello."

Derek marvelled at the hoarse whisper that was like sweet music in his ears. This couldn't be real. It was another sick dream, another hope that would shatter to tiny pieces.

He was halfway into denial, refusing to believe when she placed her soft, delicate hand in his. Suddenly it felt real. Suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world, it made perfect sense for him to squeeze it and be in awe over the unusual, tingly feeling that appeared wherever on every surface of his palm that touched hers.

She was really here.

It was over as soon as it began. Meredith quickly withdrew her hand and met his eyes for a second before looking down. A delicate blush spread over his features, something that made him think of the old days, something that made him smile hard in the middle of grieving the loss of contact with her hand.

He caught her stealing sheepish looks at his hand for some odd reason.

For a tiny part of a second, Meredith's face scrunched up in pain, then she had spun around, opening the door, giving him a nice view at her nice ass… wait what? He couldn't say that. After seven years, seven years of marriage he might add, he shouldn't notice her ass of all things. His sister's ass.

Though it was a very, _very_ nice ass.

"Dr. Webber, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith speedily acknowledged the two men with one foot already out of the door not bothering to look at them. She basically bounced out of the office, slamming the door. Derek and the Chief stood still for a moment, watching her practically run down the hallway.

Gone was she.


	24. Chapter 23: Here

**Sorry to leave you hanging! Won't be updating this weekend because of a little thing called Northside Festival…**

**Chapter 23: Here**

"Weren't you supposed to be asleep?" Lexie Grey questioned in a half-suspicious half-uninterested voice as she and Alex Karev placed themselves next to Christina and George who were both munching on a bag of potato chips. Alex snapped the bag out of George's hands. The latter scowled unimpressively, like a cat who thought he was a tiger, but made no move to crave it back.

"You can sleep when you're dead," Christina smirked at Lexie who was sorting through the variety of snacks in her lap. But it didn't last long before becoming a frown. "Weren't you supposed to be with the neuro patient who probably needs advanced surgery?"

"She's asleep which she apparently never is, so we'll get to her later," Alex said almost incoherent, his mouth full of potato chips.

"Where's Mer?" Lexie asked and emptied her soda can in mere seconds, noticing that her sister was nowhere to be found.

George pulled his legs up to his chest. "She had a meeting with the Chief. Mer thinks he wants to personally introduce her to the new neuro attending."

"Wow. There are perks when you're Ellis freaking Grey's daughter," Alex muttered.

"Shut up!" Christina frowned. The others looked at her like she was overreacting but she didn't really care. She was Meredith's person and persons protect their persons. After picking up the pieces of her person on more bar floors than she could keep count on, she had a habit of taking any comment on Meredith very personally. "Mer has been through a lot because of her mother. It's not her fault that the Chief feels guilty for not taking better care of her when she was younger. And it's definitely none of your business, evil spawn."

"Well," Lexie said after a short, awkward silence, "I'm just jealous that she gets to shake hands with Dr. Shepherd." She turned to face George. "We met him this morning and I'm on his case and he's SO dreamy. I mean seriously."

"D-dreamy?" George stuttered.

"Even I have to admit it, he's easy on the eyes," Alex smirked and turned to George, too. "I'd say you missed your chance with big Grey, Georgie."

"What?" George laughed a nervous laugh. "I don't like Mer. I-I mean of course I like Mer but not…"

"Spare me," Christina snapped and looked over his shoulder. "It's not just Shepherd. It's all three of them. Maybe they breed good-looking hotshot doctors in New York."

All four turned and looked at the two doctors standing in line for coffee. One of them was a man in his early thirties with short, dark blonde hair; nice broad shoulders and a constant, slight smirk on his face that made girls think dirty, porny thoughts.

"That's Dr. Mark Sloan," Alex whispered in awe even though the mentioned doctor was out of hearing distance. "He just ended his fellowship at Mount Sinai in NY and is said to be the future of plastics."

"Hot," Lexie giggled and leaned back, appreciating the view.

"Enough with the swooning already," Christina bit although discreetly nodding in agreement with Lexie. "Karev, there's drool on your chin."

"Who's the other one? The woman," George asked, returning everyone's attention back on the two.

The woman was tall and wore a perfectly ironed deep pink button-up shirt with a black pencil skirt and black high heels under her lab coat. Her red hair was shiny and straight and was taken right out of a shampoo commercial.

"That's Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. The she-Shepherd. She's a neonatal surgeon and ob-gyn and a good one, but the Chief mostly hired her so he could hire her husband."

"She looks kind of… uptight, don't you think?" George asked.

Everyone studied her flawless face for a second and agreed. Her eyes were frowning and the red mouth pressed into a thin line. Dr. Sloan's torso was facing away from her and she was staring up in the ceiling; you could get the impression that neither were especially fond of each other.

"Still," Alex smirked. "I'd tap that ass."

Lexie groaned, Christina simply didn't care and out of George's mouth came unintentional words.

"She's not as hot as Meredith," he said and immediately clapped his hand over his mouth, realizing that the others were looking smugly at him.

"Suuure you don't have a crush on Meredith, Bambi," Christina teased, making him groan.

"You're right, though," Alex nodded thoughtfully, "Not as hot as Mer."

"She's in a meeting with Shepherd right now. I bet she has a hard time concentrating," Lexie added in.

"Meredith wouldn't do anything," George protested. "She doesn't even date, especially not married men that are her bosses."

"Bambi, she dates, she just doesn't date _you,_" Lexie told him earnestly, smiling as she earned an approving beam from Christina. "And you haven't seen that man."

George was about to say something but all conversation stopped abruptly when a familiar person came running in their direction.

"Hey Mer!" Alex yelled and she turned to him, reacting to the sound of her name. Alex was about to ask her to join them; but in that moment they all noticed her puffy, panicky eyes, her shivering body, the wetness on her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, concern slipping into his voice as his concerned friend-mode automatically took over. Meredith was his friend and he didn't like it when his friends were upset.

"Meredith?" Christina asked, warily. She hadn't seen her person like this in years, not since Meredith decided to get a grip of her life and stop screwing around… literally.

Meredith looked at them without really noticing them. She walked around in a little circle, chanting something. People were starting to stare.

"What is she saying?" Lexie whispered.

"It sounds like _he's here_," George mumbled. Lexie and Alex looked at each other in confusion.

"Who's here?" Alex questioned and George shrugged.

"No idea."

"Oh shit," Christina suddenly whispered and the three others turned to look curiously at her. Christina's face cringed with worry. "Is it Sloan? Shepherd?"

Before anyone could ask, a deep, rich voice boomed from the stairs Meredith had come from a moment before.

"MEREDITH!"

"That's him! That's Dr. Shepherd!" Lexie urgently whispered in George's ear as Derek Shepherd's pretty face came down the stairs and into the hall.

The sight of him made Meredith's face twist in pain before she broke off the brief eye contact and ran up another set of stairs.

"What the hell was that about?" George frowned. Christina sighed, trying to figure out what to tell them.

He looked into her beautiful green eyes for just a second before she ran up the stairs. Derek paused for a second.

"Derek!" Mark's deep, worried voice greeted him. "Derek, what's up with you today?"

Some insignificant part of Derek's mind that wasn't screaming _she's here _in his mind acknowledged Mark and Addison standing on each side of him.

"She's here," he urgently told them, trying to chase after her up the stairs but being held back by a strong set of arms. "She's really here."

"Who's here?" Addison asked and scrunched her nose in confusion.

"_Meredith's _here!" Derek shouted, desperately trying to break Mark's hold. "You didn't see her just now? I saw her! I talked to her! I even shook her hand!"

He didn't notice the exchanged looks between his wife and friend and continued when nobody commented.

"Where does those stairs go?" he asked hurriedly, pointing at where he had last seen the blonde tresses disappear.

"I think they lead to the roof," Mark informed.

"Derek-" Addison began and laid a hand on his arm, too, but hers and Mark's grip was violently shaken off. Derek ran past them, past Bailey's interns, who were staring openly at him, and up the stairs.

"You're not getting away from me this time, Mer…"

He opened the door and was met by the misty, cold air of Seattle. The sky was deep gray and purple; it would be raining any moment.

At first sight, he thought he had gone wrong somehow; she was nowhere to be seen. He felt the depression roll over him at the thought of having lost her again… But then, at the very edge of the rooftop, stood a little woman he would recognize anywhere.

Derek's blood froze in his veins as the petite woman took one more step towards the edge, glancing down.


	25. Chapter 24: You Left

**I'm back! Had the greatest weekend of my life…! So, I might be talked into updating again today…**

**Chapter 24: You left**

_Derek's blood froze in his veins as the petite woman took one more step towards the edge, glancing down._

"Don't jump!" he screamed in panic and was at her side in a millisecond, pulling her away from the edge. It hurt him to see how she flinched under his touch; it felt amazing to him.

"I wasn't going to." Meredith rolled her eyes and blushed; a delicate pink spread softly over her cheekbones. Derek marvelled at her voice, her incredibly sweet voice, even low, panicky and rough, like she had been crying.

He ignored that she cringed away from his hands and put them on her arms, protectively dragging her to the bench on the middle of the roof. As soon as he sat her down, she moved as far way from him as she possibly could on the bench. That stung.

Silence.

"Mer," Derek said, gazing intensely at the woman, hoping for some kind of response, anything to hear her voice once more.

…

Silence.

A lone tear dropped from Meredith's eye and it hurt him deep to see her in pain like that.

"Mer!" Derek said again, watching helplessly as Meredith's few, quiet tears began to pour down her cheeks.

She immediately looked up to the sound of her name rolling off his lips. I felt so good, so right to say that name again. Meredith straightened up and smiled a distant smile, one that didn't reach the tear-brimmed eyes.

"Who would have thought you'd look so good in scrubs? Way better than Alex or George. Of course you have an advantage, I mean, the dark ones, they're _way_ more awesome than mine. Oh well, I better get used to them, I'll wear light blue scrubs until I'm an attending if that's ever going to happen. What about," swallow, "Addison, is she here? Of course she is, she's your wife now, according to that ring on you finger, sorry I missed out on the wedding by the way…"

"Meredith," Derek cut her off when he realized that he wasn't really listening but just enjoying her ramble. "Shut up and let me look at you."

Meredith froze on the bench; Derek wasn't sure whether she was even breathing or not. He scrutinized every inch of her, looking for bits and pieces of information.

"You don't have freckles anymore," he noted.

"It's Seattle. City of rain, remember?"

He ignored her rhetorical question.

"Your hair is longer."

"I guess it is. Hair grows."

You've got a tattoo on your wrist."

"Yes."

"It's Winnie the Pooh."

"I have a thing for Winnie," Meredith defended, a hot-headedly, defensive tone slipping into her voice in a matter of seconds. Derek smiled softly; still having a slightly out of body experience.

"I remember."

"…And I was drunk." Meredith looked down again.

Derek's mind spun a couple of times but it didn't matter at this point; nothing would shake him the least bit. But-

The thought alone was extremely weird. Meredith. Drunk.

Huh?

"Oh." That was all he could think to say.

As his mind began to function properly again, questions began to invade his brain.

"You left," he accused, his voice breaking. Meredith looked down, fear in her eyes.

"Derek…"

"Why did you leave me… us?"

Derek waited, letting all the pain and hurt shine through.

Meredith swallowed and was on the verge of tears. Again. She took a deep breath and was about to say something… But she caught herself and began on another sentence.

"Derek…" she trailed off.

"Meredith! I need some answers!" Derek was getting frustrated. "Why would you leave me?"

"It's complicated goddamnit. I need some time Derek!" Meredith got up from the bench.

An irrational, ground-shaking fear rolled over Derek when he saw her walking away. Something snapped inside of him and he knew: The pain of not knowing was not nearly as great as the pain of not being close to her. He would deal with anything, as long as she didn't walk away again.

Derek walked up to her, caught her and pulled her into a tight embrace on the bench. After a minute or so he could feel her relax in his arms.

They both went quiet for a moment or two.

"Just give me one."

"One what?" Meredith asked, tired.

"One answer."

She hesitated.

"A small one," she finally allowed.

Derek pondered for a moment. There was so much he needed to know. He asked her the first thing that came to his mind.

"How come we couldn't find you? We went _everywhere._"

"That's not a small one," Meredith protested but Derek just looked her deep in the beautiful green eyes.

"Fine," she sighed, carefully choosing her words. "I guess it was harder to find me because I changed my name and…"

She stiffened in his arms, waiting for his response, slowly easing up when there wasn't any.

Derek realized that he should be mad. Mad at the situation, mad at her for not giving him a full answer, mad at her for so many reasons… But he wasn't anything. No, it was impossible to feel anything but ease with the scent of lavender overwhelming his senses completely.

"Let's just…" Meredith hesitated. "Hold me a little. Is that okay?"

"More than okay," Derek smiled and pulled her tiny frame even closer, letting her rest her head against his chest. "We don't have to move for a while."

Meredith sighed in content agreement and was unaware that she instinctively rubbed her nose against his scrub-covered chest. Derek certainly was aware; it felt good, actually.

He knew this conversation wasn't over. He knew he needed answers, all the answers. But right now, resting with Meredith in his arms made him feel genuinely happy like he hadn't in a long seven years.


	26. Chapter 25: You Know?

**Chapter 25: You know?**

"He said it loud and clear, Addie," Mark objected and felt lighter than he had in a while.

"So?"

"He said it with no uncertainty; _Meredith is here._"

"So?" Addison asked again, narrowing her eyes at her husband's best friend. "He's been wrong about that before. I thought we were getting past that but it seems like he is moving backwards right now." She paused for a second. "Maybe Seattle was a bad idea."

"I don't think so," Mark defended, "He could be right. Maybe she is here."

"Mark," Addison said, rolling her eyes and looked younger than her usual, uptight look for a few seconds, like she was going to stick her tongue out. "Meredith is not here. She's dead."

It still hurt; it still felt like burning. Mark wasn't ready to hear all the cold, hard facts Addison could dish out about his little sister. He wondered if he ever would be.

"You don't know that," he whispered. "She could be alive."

"What, seven years, no note, no contact, no nothing? Do you honestly believe that?" Addison asked.

"I believe that we should keep praying for a miracle. Maybe Derek is right, maybe not. But he sounded so sure…"

Mark ignored his best friend's aggravating wife's muttered answer and glanced around. There, right beside where Derek disappeared up the stairs, sat a bunch of interns, discretely looking in his direction. He walked over to them.

"Good day everyone," he smiled his most charming smile. Mark was met by various reactions; an awestruck ogle from the blonde guy, a suspicious frown from the angry asian woman, an uncomfortable glance from the doe-eyed male… and beautiful green eyes that smiled at him. He winked at the latter, a pretty brunette.

"Dr. Sloan," they all mumbled in polite voices.

"Did you see Dr. Shepherd run up that stairway?"

"Yes," answered the blonde guy who was still gawking excitedly at Mark and ignoring the glares he received for that piece of information. "Yeah, he went that way."

"I know," Mark said impatiently. "Did you see who he went up there for?"

"Yeah, that was-" the guy matter-of-factly began but was interrupted.

"No," the angry woman with the wild, black curls quickly cut the sentence off. "We didn't see anything."

Mark looked around at the other interns. They were all staring at the floor or the ceiling. Anywhere but him really.

"You're sure you didn't see anyone?" he asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Yes," doe-eye confirmed, suddenly awfully interested in his lab coat sleeve.

"So," Mark began, channelling his attention on the gorgeous brunette who had been keeping quiet the whole time. She swallowed something. "Does the name Meredith Shepherd mean anything to you?"

Did he see a glimpse of recognition in their eyes? Or was he fooling himself?

"No. Never heard of her." Doe-eye shifted his weight from foot to foot.

Mark stood still, staring at them. Was this a mistake?

"Look," he sighed and read the angry one's lab coat's nametag, "Christina-"

"Dr. Yang!"

"Dr. Yang. This is a serious matter. If you know anything you're not telling me-"

"What is the problem here?" a sharp voice boomed. Everyone's attention went to the short female that now stood beside the group.

"Ah, Dr. Bailey," Mark acknowledged the newcomer in a slightly wary voice. He had already on his very first day learned not to get in the way of the so-called Nazi.

"Dr. Sloan," Miranda Bailey said in a barking tone. "Are you messing with my interns? _My _interns do not fetch coffee for anyone, especially not cocky plastic surgeons who just finished their residencies. Hire someone."

"I really should," Mark smirked, hoping to earn a smile, "But this is cheaper."

Dr. Bailey took a deep breath.

"Anything we can do for you Dr. Sloan?"

Mark's smirk instantly turned to a frown.

"I was just asking your precious interns if the name 'Meredith Shepherd' meant anything to them."

"Hmm…" Bailey muttered and looked suspiciously at her interns who were yet again busy staring everywhere else. "Shepherd, no. We have a Meredith Grey."

As Christina Yang and the other interns groaned quietly, something snapped inside of Mark.

Of course. She changed it back.

How could they be so stupid?

Mark looked at the interns and every suspicion was confirmed when they now looked at him, just waiting for him to realize something.

"She's really here," he whispered, awestruck. The reality, the enormity of this was finally hitting him. "Mer…"

"What's going on here?" Dr. Bailey asked, brows furrowed.

"It's a long story," Christina sighed. Mark's head went up; he met Christina's eyes and saw her in an entirely different light when she suddenly looked tired, vulnerable.

"You know?" he asked.

"I do. I'm her person."

"We all know now," the pretty brunette added. Although there was still a bit of hostility in her eyes, she looked more worried than anything else. For Meredith?

"Know what?" Dr. Bailey asked. "None of you are leaving this spot before I get my answers. I dare you to move as much as a toenail."


	27. Chapter 26: Unbelievable

**Chapter 26: Unbelievable**

It felt like they had been lying there, on the bench on the rooftop in the misty rain forever – or maybe just a short second – when Meredith opened her eyes. At first she was a little confused - where was she? She started to shift a little but a strong pair of arms held her still. And she slowly remembered.

Meredith leaned back in Derek's chest, savouring his familiar, special scent. It was mixed with some expensive cologne and the astonishing smell of surgery; but it was still her Derek. It felt good to know that he hadn't changed in every way.

Derek's arms tightened even more around her and she knew that he knew she was awake. His hands, his strong, inescapable, confident hands, were placed on the lower part of her belly, gently rubbing in soothing circles. Meredith felt herself quickly becoming aroused despite the stress of the situation.

She knew she still loved him; how could she not? The situation hadn't changed. She should leave him alone again. But she wasn't going to.

She couldn't leave him, not even if she wanted to. She was a grown woman with responsibilities, friends, a sister, a career - she had an internship at one of the best teaching hospitals in the world for god's sake. These were other circumstances than when she was 18…

An icy shiver made its way down her spine. If Derek was here, was… Meredith forced herself to think the name… Lucas… here, too?

In that moment she realized she didn't care. She couldn't leave. Not again. Not this time. Because of her responsibilities, yes. But most of all because she couldn't bear to let him go. Not in a million years, not when he was holding her like this.

He made it so easy when he held her this way. He made it easy for her to dive deep down in her fantasy, made it easy for her to believe that he loved her back. She let herself do it, knowing she would regret it later, knowing that this meant hours curled up on the bathroom floor.

But just for a minute more… She let herself believe in the lie.

Derek finally broke the silence.

"You're cold. I should get you inside."

Meredith frowned.

"I can take care of myself."

"Let me take care of you," he simply answered. She could hear that the words came from his heart. Meredith took a look at her watch.

"Oh god!" She screeched as reality finally hit her in the head. She wiggled out of Derek's reluctant hold and began to pace. "I'm more than 40 minutes late! Bailey will kill me and make it look like an accident!"

"Meredith," Derek said calmly and yet again, although starting to freak out, she marvelled over the sound of her name in his mouth. "Relax. It'll be fine."

"How can you say that? It's- it's the Nazi- it's _Bailey_! Have you even met that woman?"

"Meredith," Derek said again and she had to look at him, hearing the smile in his voice. Her green eyes clashed with his cerulean ones; they were amused and instantly calmed her down, just like they used to.

"Yes?"

Derek smirked and pressed a finger to his chest. Her eyes lingered there for a second longer than they had to…

"Attending, remember? And yes, I've met that woman but you can't get killed when you've been with an attending the entire time."

Meredith froze in her tracks and looked at him.

"Cocky bastard," she muttered under her breath but couldn't help but smile when she heard him chuckle. God, that noise always made her tickle.

"Let's go," Derek grinned and before she knew it, she was in his arms.

"What are you doing?" she asked, half annoyed, half giggling. "Put me down!"

"No."

"No? What do you mean no?"

"No I won't put you down," Derek said with an easy voice that made it sound like her was talking to an impatient child. He began walking towards the stairs, carrying her with ease. Meredith tried to squirm out of his firm grip but he wouldn't budge.

"Why not?" Meredith laughed.

"Because," Derek said with a light chuckle; still she could hear that there was real angst behind his words, "I'm afraid you'll just run away again."

Meredith stayed silent for a few seconds. Her heart ached and her eyes filled with tears as she realized that he might never trust her, nor did he have a reason to. She was lucky he would even look at her.

"Okay, don't put me down," she sighed and tried to lighten the mood. "But you'll have to put me down at some point. I mean, I think you would have a hard time operating with me in your arms."

Derek chuckled again, appreciating her effort. He took the first step down the stairs.

"Oh I think that could be arranged."

"Put me down!"

"I said no!"

The loud, well-known giggle mixed with a darker grin made everyone's heads snap up. Mark, Addison, Bailey and the interns instinctively looked at the stairs, where two feet were slowly coming into view. Then the legs, male legs covered in dark blue scrubs. The next thing they saw made every single one of their mouths go agape.

It was Derek Shepherd, the neuro attending, and in his arms were Meredith Grey, the intern, in her regular clothes. Both of them were soaked, their hair wet and their skin glistening from the mist. They both wore identical smiles as they stared into each other's eyes, laughing, completely oblivious to the many spectators in the hall.

Meredith's smile froze when she finally noticed the welcome committee. She struggled to get out of Derek's arms and succeeded this time. Derek kept his hand protectively around her, though.

Meredith looked into the faces of her old and new friends.

Alex was wearing his usual smirk, Dr. Bailey looked a little worried, Lexie had actual tears in her eyes, George looked like someone had died; Meredith figured that Christina had told them the truth. She didn't really care. Christina herself was suspiciously eyeing Derek.

Then she spotted Mark and Addison standing beside the five, blankly staring at her. Addison looked like she just ate a lemon. Mark seemed… hurt. And completely flabbergasted.

Meredith immediately walked over to him, ignoring everyone else. Derek was right behind her, apparently determined to remain in physical contact with her.

"Markie," she whispered, tears in her eyes again.

"Don't 'Markie' me," Mark mumbled and looked down. Meredith felt the wetness turn into actual tears running down her face. She had almost forgotten just how much she missed her next best friend.

"Mark," she said, her voice breaking. Derek rubbed soothing circles on her back and that helped a little. "I'm so sorry. So sorry."

Mark looked at Meredith and the tears in her eyes. He then made eye contact with Derek who was sending him a look saying 'don't mess with her'. He swallowed something in his throat and took a step towards the tiny, broken girl in front of him. She looked up at him, hopeful.

"Come here," he smirked and laughed an unsteady laugh as she threw her arms and legs around his hard body, holding on to him for dear life. Mark wrapped his arms around her and held her steady, burying his head in her shoulder. They both ignored the several throat clearings that occurred around them after a few minutes.

He only let go when he looked up and noticed the slightly annoyed frown that was slowly appearing on Derek's face.

"Looking good as always," Mark smirked, unable to remain serious, unaffected by any mood, just like Meredith remembered him. She giggled, breaking all tension, and both Mark and Derek automatically smiled at hearing that sound once more.

"You're not too shabby either, Markie."

"I love it when you talk dirty to me," he grinned and looked her in the teary eyes.

"You love it whenever a girl talks to you," she pointed out with a laugh.

"Actually I prefer them not talking," Mark laughed and she joined in.

"I'm sure you do. Man whore."

"But I'm serious; you look better than ever," he said, running his eyes down her body, appreciating her curves and slenderness. Mark noticed the glares Derek was sending him; what was that all about? A suspicion crossed his mind.

"Thanks," Meredith just giggled.

"Well now that we have all established that Meredith looks good and Mark is a man whore…" Derek hinted, annoyance clear in his voice while he yet again laid an arm around her. Meredith turned to him with a surprised expression but shrugged it off.

She turned around and saw most of the nurses, her fellow interns and Dr. Bailey staring openly at her, Derek and Mark. Then she noticed Addison who was looking at her with a subdued expression in her eyes.

"Meredith," Addison greeted her with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Where was all the bright and shininess from the old days? It seemed gone and replaced by a sour face, tense shoulders and a pencil skirt.

"Addison," Meredith acknowledged her warily. Of course Addison had a reason for not wanting her here. Could she sense that Meredith still loved her husband?

"It's so nice to see you again," Addison continued in a morose voice that made it seem like she meant anything but what she said.

"You too," Meredith said with a smile, as big as she could muster.

Meredith took a step forward, as did Addison, and they hugged, a gentle, awkward hug that was soon broken.

Nobody said anything for a few seconds. Then…

"Dr. Bailey," Derek smirked and continued before the small woman got a chance to say anything.

"Dr. Grey here is taking the day off." He smiled at Meredith. "I don't have surgery the next six hours. Care to join me for early lunch?"

Meredith just smiled and nodded, getting lost in his eyes.

"I'm in too!" Mark beamed, making both of them laugh.

Everyone watched in disbelief and awe as the so-called futures of surgery each took one of Meredith's hands, sandwiching her and skipping towards the cafeteria.

Dr. Bailey was the first to speak.

"Unbelievable," she muttered and shook her head, walking off.


	28. Chapter 27: McDreamy?

**Chapter 27: McDreamy?**

"Do you wan to do something tonight?"

Meredith smirked and shut the car door. He was dressed in scrubs, which meant he hadn't just arrived but had worked for some time, and still walked out to greet her at her car

She couldn't help but feeling slightly flattered. It had been three days since the meeting and Derek had been stalking her ever since. Not because she had been hard to keep track of. She had basically been bee lining between her house and the hospital.

Meredith knew that all the attention would probably fade once he got used to her being there; it was relief, it was new and fresh and would soon bore him – but she couldn't help but enjoy it while it was there.

Derek was there all the time, everywhere she looked; normally she would hate that but in him, she loved it. She couldn't get enough of the hovering.

He was constantly asking her questions, some while claiming to get to know her again, others charming but slightly possessive…

"_So…" Derek hinted. Meredith looked up from her charts and smiled into his orbs that would usually smile back. Not now. He looked tense… Anxious._

_He'd been asking her so many questions that she felt like she was taking one of those test where you have to answer with the first thing that come to your mind; but this one seemed to cause him a little nervousness._

"_So?" Meredith asked, getting nervous, too._

"_So…" Derek repeated and looked down. "Areyouseeingsomeone…"_

"_What?" Meredith asked, not sure what he really said._

"_Are- are you seeing someone? You know, are you dating?"_

_Meredith smiled at him and tried not to let her imagination run too far… Right now it was crowded with images of jealous Derek; only Derek had no reason to be jealous. He saw her as a sister. He felt protective of her. That was it._

"_Nope," she answered and giggled at the deep breath he let out. Derek's face was one big grin but it didn't last long. _

"_What about that O'Malley guy?"_

"_What about him?" Meredith asked, surprised._

"_The kid likes you."_

"_First of all he's not a kid-" Meredith began._

"_Of course not," Derek placated._

"_Hey! He's older than me!"_

"_Yes but he's still a kid…"_

"_Second," Meredith cut through, "Of course he likes me. He just doesn't _like _me like me._

"_He keeps looking at you," Derek mumbled. "I don't like it."_

_Did he have to say things like that? Corny things, nice things that made her fall in love with him all over again…?_

"_Derek," she said and forced him to look at her. "George is gay."_

_Derek kept quiet for a long moment, slowly processing that piece of information._

"_Oh… _Oh._"_

"_Exactly," Meredith giggled. Derek seemed relieved._

"_Are you sure?" he asked warily. "On a scale from one to gay, how-"_

"_Gay," Meredith interrupted and smiled at him. "I'm sure."_

"Meredith?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, back in reality. They had reached the hospital and got on the crowded elevator.

Derek looked amused at her distracted mind.

"Did you want to do something tonight? I know you're off."

"And just how do you know that?"

Derek just looked at her amused face, no embarrassment in his voice.

"I checked. Yes, I'm now a stalker. Get over it. Are you free?"

A part of Meredith wondered how Addison would feel about that. But after all, she couldn't really make herself care.

"I was planning to meet up with some of my friends at the bar across from the street. You can come."

"Great!" Derek cheered and smiled in the enthusiastic way that made her weak in the knees.

The pair had reached the locker rooms.

"I'll see you later then," Meredith told him. He met her eyes and for a moment; before he covered it up with a dreamy grin, she saw that glimpse in his eyes.

The glimpse he had whenever they parted. The glimpse that told her he didn't trust her, told her he was afraid she was running away again.

And it always managed to break her heart all over again.

It was gone before she knew it. Derek leaned against the door to the locker rooms, the forbidden territory and winked at her.

"I'll see you sooner than you know," he smirked and walked off.

What the hell did he mean by that?

Meredith shook her head and shrugged it off, smiling as she walked to her locker and pulled out a pair of scrubs. Only then did she notice a woman staring openly at her from another locker.

"You're unusually quiet today," she informed Christina as she pulled her sweater over her head.

"Hmm," Christina only muttered and kept looking at Meredith.

Meredith put on her scrub top, flattening it on the front. The silence lasted longer than she expected Christina to bear it and decided to break the tension. Pop the bubble.

"I know what you're thinking," Meredith sighed. Christina held her breath for a second before letting it all out.

"Oh really? What do you know I'm thinking? That you're avoiding? That he's letting you? That you're becoming friends with the man you love _again_? That the freaking McDreamy comes back into your life and you just ride off into the sunset with him, forgetting that he has a freaking _wife_? That you'll end up like in pre med? You were a whore in pre med, Mer, a broken whore on tequila!"

Meredith stayed silent, letting her person rant. She wasn't offended; actually she was just a little relieved no one was around to watch the inevitable confrontation.

Neither Christina nor Meredith spoke a word as they stared into each other's eyes. Then…

"McDreamy?" Meredith giggled and Christina's face slowly softened. "There's a name I didn't think of."

"It fits," Christina simply replied. Her face and voice was even milder when she spoke again in a more serious tone.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

Meredith just looked at her for a few seconds while tying the strings of her scrub pants.

"I won't," she smiled as reassuringly as she could and left Christina, halfway into her street clothes, in the locker room. She stopped with both feet out the door and whirled around. "Oh, and what exactly did you tell the others about me and Derek?"

"Not much, just that you go way back."

Christina slowly pulled her lab coat on and fastened her pager on her pocket. She pulled her hair up in a ponytail, still pondering Meredith's words.

Why was she having such a hard time believing her person?

"Little Grey; you're with Dr. Sloan."

Lexie's eyes widened with excitement.

"O'Malley; Dr. Altman."

"Yang; She-Shepherd is all yours."

A scowl left Christina's mouth.

"Karev; you go with Dr. Torres."

They all scurried off to find their assigned attendings. Dr. Bailey turned to Meredith with a glare. Meredith instantly knew she had done something very wrong to piss off her resident. She scanned through the possible reasons but came up with none. Her behaviour was impeccable. She was early for work, she was wearing clean scrubs with her lab coat and pager, she hadn't made any attending, resident, nurse or patient angry…

The resident couldn't still be mad because of the thing that happened three days ago? She was allowed to take a day off. She had done nothing wrong.

"Dr. Grey," Dr. Bailey said in a sharp tone.

"Dr. Bailey?"

"Looks like you have a special request," Dr. Bailey announced, eyes narrowed.

Meredith couldn't help but smile a wide smile, even though she probably shouldn't do anything to annoy Dr. Bailey further.

"I have?" she simply asked, amusement clear in her voice. Bailey glared at her.

"Look, I don't care if you've been naked in Derek Shepherd's pool your entire childhood; I don't condone favouritism. And this will be the last time I allow you to get special treatment."

"Yes Dr. Bailey," Meredith said, not quite able to hide her smile. "Excuse me."

With a death-glare boring into her neck, she walked off to the coffee vending machine.


	29. Chapter 28: Trust Me

**Chapter 28: Trust me**

"Guess who?"

Derek smiled as he recognized the voice and the familiar flowery scent that went with it. For how many years had he not been able to smell lavender without being taken back to the painful memories? It would always be her scent, her very special fragrance.

Now she was here and that made him smile hugely like some shiny moron…

"Meredith!" he greeted her and she gave him a playful smirk. She was carrying something in each hand. "And coffee! You sure know how to make a man happy in the morning."

She smiled at him, handed him one while taking a sip of her own coffee and looking over his shoulder, skimming down at the chart in his hand, not really reading it. He breathed her in, felt her hot breath on his neck…

"You made a special request for me?" Meredith asked, playfully narrowing her eyes, but Derek could tell she wasn't mad. Good.

"See?" he just grinned. "Told you I'd see you sooner than you know…"

"Derek," Meredith giggled, visibly having a hard time keeping a straight face. "Bailey's pissed. And you should know by now that Bailey is not a woman you want to mess with."

"Relax Mer. Bailey's all talk and no action. She wouldn't do anything. And I'm her boss."

"Still," Meredith insisted, locking eyes with him. Were her eyes always that beautiful? "It's bad enough that I'm Ellis Grey's daughter and used to be babysat by the Chief. Now I'm hanging out with a plastics attending and the future of neurology? You can't choose me over others or make exceptions. You're my boss now. There's a line. A big fat line."

They stayed quiet for a moment, Derek contemplating Meredith's words.

"So this line…" he said, flashing her a smile, "Is it imaginary or will I need to get you a marker…"

"Dr. Shepherd! This is inappropriate. You favouring me is inappropriate. Did that ever occur to you?"

Dr. Shepherd? So that's how she wanted it? Derek smirked at her.

"Well _Dr. Grey_. Since Dr. Webber personally introduced us and has assigned extra hours in neurology for you, I don't believe we have any choice. The Chief want us to work together."

He watched her think about that, something she had clearly forgot in the stress of that situation. Then-

"Damnit, you're right," Meredith scowled under her breath, making him chuckle. She looked up at him and saw a look in his eyes that said _I'm always right_. "Cocky bastard."

"You know it." Derek took a sip of his coffee and wondered how the hell she knew exactly how he liked it. Meredith was watching him with a nervous expression.

"Sorry, I don't know how you like your coffee, so I just got you my favourite. I can get you a new one. Bone dry? Fancy surgeons like bone dry…"

"This is good," Derek interrupted her, taking another sip to reassure her. "Perfect, actually."

"So what do we do now?" Meredith said, feeling the professional excitement rise in her. She was working with Derek Shepherd, not only the love of her life, but also a brilliant surgeon, a rising star on the neurological night sky.

"That's more like it," Derek approved her new, enthusiastic tone. "I have this mystery case and I wondered if you could take a look at her."

"You want me to take a look at it?" Meredith wondered out loud. "Why?"

"To see how good you are. And because I'm stuck and need a fresh perspective." Derek smiled at her to calm her down as he handed her the patient's chart. "Four eyes are better than two."

"That makes sense," Meredith shrugged. She had a hard time concentrating when he looked at her like that, but she forced herself to read the chart. "Katie Bryce, 17-yearold female. Unexplainable seizures…" She kept muttering to herself.

"Okay," Meredith said when she was absolutely sure she knew everything in the chart. "So what do I do now?"

Derek had been watching her with a half-amused, half-proud smile. Now he only shrugged.

"I don't know," he said in an innocent voice. "You tell me. What do you feel like doing?"

Meredith's brows furrowed for a moment. Wasn't he supposed to guide her through this? He looked like he waited for an answer. She searched her brain for the right thing to do.

"I would have to talk to the patient and her parents," she told him.

"I agree. Page me if you discover anything."

"Wait," she said, "You're not coming with me?"

"Nope," he only answered, smiling brightly at her. "I've already been there and done that. I'll keep thinking about possible reasons for her seizures." He walked away from her with bounce in his steps, signalling for her to page him with news. Meredith hadn't moved. She just stood there, slightly in awe of the responsibility on her shoulders.

"O…kay?" she said to no one in particular and kept a firm grip on the chart while scurrying off to find Katie Bryce's room.

It didn't take her long; Meredith knocked on the door and walked in.

"Good morning Katie," she smiled a professional smile at the young, blonde woman in the bed. She nodded at the people she assumed were the parents who were sitting at chairs on each side of their daughter.

"More doctors?" the girl groaned and picked up a TV remote, impatiently flipping through the channels. "I'm missing my beauty pageant."

"You compete in beauty pageants?" Meredith asked, checking the patient's vitals while trying not to judge her; couldn't quite help it, though.

"Yeah," the girl snorted. Duh. "My special talent is rhythmic gymnastics which is, like, really cool because no one else does it."

"Aha," Meredith distractedly agreed and turned to the woman in the chair. "Mrs Bryce, I know you've been through this already but I need to ask you some questions just to make sure. When did the seizures start?"

Mr and Mrs Bryce answered her questions and Meredith wrote the answers in a notebook.

"Got anything Mer?" Derek asked, beaming at her as she put down her plate next to his in the cafeteria.

"No Der," she grinned and rolled her eyes. Derek knew she hated how their names rhymed.

"You know," Meredith giggled and looked at him. "I'm 99 % sure I know why you didn't come with me to meet the patient."

"Is that so?" he chuckled.

"You just didn't want to hear one more word about rhythmic gymnastics," she accused and he laughed.

"What is it with that, I can't even say it?"

"Am I right?" Meredith asked with a playful smile.

"Maybe," he allowed. She swatted his arm. "But I also knew you could do it yourself. I've heard many good things about you since I got here."

"I guess I'm doing okay," Meredith allowed.

"Where did you go to medical school?" Derek asked as casually as he could manage, forking a piece of lettuce.

He felt Meredith stiffen beside him and he couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it. Why wouldn't she tell him? Was she hiding something from him?

Trying to erase the sudden tension between them, Derek pouted.

"Don't you want to know what I've been up to for the last seven years?"

Meredith giggled and he closed his eyes, listening to her voice.

"You've been an a surgical resident at Mount Sinai with Addison and Mark and naturally didn't have much of a life besides that. You assisted _the _Dr. Joseph Bryant on several complicated neuro surgeries, as you were his favourite resident. You lived on the Upper East Side in Addison's parent's old apartment. Oh, and you bought that Porsche you always wanted."

Derek opened his eyes and stared at her with astonishment. She blushed a little under his awed gaze.

"How the hell do you know all that?"

Meredith's cheeks went even redder as she realized she had given a lot away. She took a deep breath.

"I've been keeping an eye on you."

"You've… You've been keeping an eye on me for all this time without ever letting me know you were alive?" he said, anger slowly building in his chest.

"Derek," Meredith said. When she looked up, the torment in her eyes was crystal clear; Derek felt himself relax. "Please. Don't. Now right now…"

"Why didn't you contact me?" he asked, his voice steady. She hesitated.

"You were safe. That was all I needed to know."

She seemed so distressed, sitting there, her eyes a little wet.

He would get his answers. Some day. But for now he decided not to push her.

Meredith couldn't eat so she just sat there, making some kind of porridge out of her salad.

She couldn't tell him.

…

Could she?

Answering to where she had been would be the same as opening up for more serious questions. The inevitable 'why'.

She certainly wasn't ready to tell him _that._

He caught her eyes and yet again she drowned in his blue orbs. They were sadder than usual and she hated herself for making him unhappy.

The best thing would be to stay away, leave again and never look back.

She just wasn't strong enough, not when she could see the anxiety in his eyes every time she got up and left his side – afraid that she wasn't coming back.

Meredith simply wasn't capable of letting him go. The thought alone made her heart crack.

Not again.

Derek was searching through her eyes. She was having this troubled look in them, the one he always caught when she was thinking back.

She suddenly stood up and he immediately followed suit.

"Where are you going?" he asked, possessively, before he could stop himself or was even sure he wanted to.

"I'm checking on Katie Bryce," Meredith giggled but there was a serious worry in her voice. "Relax."

"Oh- Okay," Derek sighed, already sad to see her leave. Meredith studied his face for a moment.

"You should go take a nap," she told him, patting her soft hand on his shoulder. "How long have you been here?"

Derek snapped out of his sadness and straightened up.

"Long enough," he sighed. "You're right. I'll go sleep. Page me if you find something."

"Dr," Katie suddenly said and Meredith turned around to face her. "I need to watch the pageant to make sure that Allison doesn't steal my crown but the stupid hospital doesn't have the channel. Can you fix that?"

"I…" Meredith said, trying to buy herself some time. How did you tell a patient that people were actually dying in the hospital and that she didn't have time for silly requests in a respectful manner?

"You know," Katie mumbled, rolling her eyes at the doctor, "When I sprung my ankle a couple of weeks ago, I didn't end up with someone this clueless. And that was like a nurse."

"You sprung your ankle?" Meredith asked, looking up for confirmation from Mr and Mrs Bryce before searching through the chart.

"She did but it was from a minor fall," Mr Bryce said. He gestured to Katie's chart. "I don't even think the doctor put it in there."

"Could it mean something?" Mrs Bryce asked.

"I'm not sure," Meredith admitted and walked out of the room saying, "But there's a chance…"

"Derek. Wake up…"

It was not as much the voice as the gentle touch that woke him up from his slumber. Before Derek opened his eyes, he was already smiling from ear to ear. That unique scent of lavender that flooded his senses generally had that effect on him.

"Derek!" Meredith giggled and couldn't resist combing her fingers through his thick curls. A little content sigh rolled off of his lips. "You're smiling! I know you're awake!"

Derek opened his eyes and stared into her green orbs. They were filled with excitement.

"What a way to wake up," he grinned at her. She grinned back but quickly removed her fingers from his hair and took a couple of steps back. "Why did you wake me?"

"It's Katie Bryce," Meredith said, trying her very best not to look at his bare chest as he got up from the bed and stretched.

"What about her?" Derek yawned, flexing his chest muscles. Her eyes immediately went there.

"Uh…" Meredith took a deep breath and forced herself to look him in the eye. Not helping.

_Get it together, Meredith._

"Katie Bryce competes in beauty pageants."

"I know but we still have to help her," Derek smirked. Meredith's mouth twitched.

"She fell during practice a couple of weeks ago. It was a minor fall; the doctor didn't even think to put it in the chart. But she fell and…"

"…And you think something burst? That we missed something on the CT?" Derek asked. "Do you know what the chances are?"

"One in a million," Meredith answered and looked him in the eye. "Trust me."

Trust her?

Derek had no reason in the whole world to trust her. But when he looked at her, her serious pout that was so cute, her hair in a wild knot, he couldn't help it.

Meredith was waiting while he pondered, slowly loosing hope. But then Derek grabbed his lab coat and shrugged it on.

"Let's go."

"Let's go what?"

"Let's go find out if Katie's one in a million."

He decided to trust her anyway.

"I'll be damned," Derek said as he studied the picture. "It's tiny but it's there."

Meredith could breathe again. If she had been wrong she would have spend a lot of money on unnecessary tests. Derek looked up at her and smiled brightly, stepping out of the doctor role for a moment.

"Congratulations, Mer." He patted her on the back. "You just earned the right to scrub in on advanced surgery."

Derek walked over to her frozen frame and put something in her hand, closing her fingers around it.

"This is for you. I had a feeling we'd be scrubbing in together soon."

He left the room with a wave in her direction, bounce in his steps.

Meredith opened her palm and couldn't help but giggle when she saw the soft, synthetic fabric in her palm.

It was a Winnie the Pooh scrub cap.


	30. Chapter 29: Thank You

**Hi I'm posting a new fic tonight or tomorrow called Save Me From Myself – feel very free to check it out!**

**Chapter 29: Thank you**

"Oh look guys! The neuro goddess finally decided to honour us with her presence!" Christina shouted from the bar, clearly having had a few drinks already. Everyone turned around to look at her and cheered.

"We are not worthy!" Lexie yelled in mock awe, motioning for Meredith to come closer.

"I'm so star struck!" George chimed in feigning giddiness, "Can I touch you?"

"Yeah I wanna touch you too, Mer," Alex smirked, making George blush a little.

Meredith completely ignored them as she dragged her worn body up on a barstool.

"Tequila?" the bartender asked knowingly after one look at her tired face.

"You know it Joe," Meredith smiled and leaned back, just listening to her colleagues friendly bantering for a while. George kept quiet, too, and smiled at her.

"So how was it Mer?"

"It was…" Meredith was immediately back in the O.R. like she had been half an hour ago. "Amazing."

_Her first advanced surgery. There were no words to describe it. Not only the surgery but the surgeon as well._

_Derek was… a whole new Derek in the O.R. So certain and sure of himself, yet never overly confident or cocky. He wasn't arrogant like many surgeons; he knew that the nurses, the anaesthesiologist and the intern were all very vital and gave him the freedom to concentrate on the most important part. Like actors who know that the director, the scriptwriters and the cameraman are important as well._

_He had caught her eyes once she had gotten her gloves on and held them while speaking the words she doubted she would ever forget._

"_It's a beautiful night to save lives."_

_Derek's hands were inescapable, truly beautiful as they confidently held the scalpel and carefully navigated through Katie Bryce's brain._

_He was a great teacher, too. He asked her questions and she knew all the answers; he let her do more than most interns could ever hope. Everything was just right._

_It was a feeling like nothing else; but her favourite moment was the moment after._

"_That was such a high," Meredith said, smiling distractedly at him. He looked up at her and gave her an exhausted wink._

"_I don't know why anybody does drugs."_

"_Hmm," Derek only agreed and squeezed her arm, his eyes sparkling. "I'll see you tonight."_

"I bet Shepherd's a good teacher," Lexie butted in.

"He is," Meredith agreed. "He let me hold the scalpel at one point."

Christina coughed in her drink.

"He what?" she asked, swatting Meredith's arm. "Lucky whore."

"You know it," Meredith grinned and took the shot Joe handed her, signalling for him to keep them coming.

"I spend the entire day in the vagina squad with the neuro god's bitchy other half. Longest fucking day of my life."

"Torres was all pregnant and hormonal," Alex said, knocking down his beer. "Even the patients were scared of her at the end of the day."

"And Dr. Altman just send me to the clinic, saying she didn't need me," George sighed. "So no hearts for me, just a girl who got her period and a man with the flu."

"My day wasn't that bad," Lexie said.

"Oh no?" Christina snorted. "Sloan probably made you get his laundry."

"He didn't have the time and I did!" she defended.

"Keep telling yourself that…"

"So basically all of our days sucked except for yours Mer," Alex cut in. "We were working with bitchy Red and Hormonal Hell, talking to menstrual girls and fetching laundry. While Dr. Shepherd let you hold the scalpel."

"He sure did," Meredith smirked, feeling quite good as she knocked down her tequila shot.

"Speaking of… I sort of invited Derek."

"Derek?" Lexie asked, intrigued. "You invited Dr. Shepherd?"

"I don't think he likes me," George mumbled. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No," Meredith laughed. "He just thinks you're in love with me. How crazy is that?"

George got flustered while everyone else glanced up, making sure not to look at each other.

"Very crazy," George agreed, stuttering through the words, "I mean that's so weird!"

"But why would he mind?" Alex asked. "I mean; he's married and all. He can't really decide who you go out with."

Meredith sighed.

"Derek has this weird thing where he doesn't like the thought of me dating. It can be quite annoying at times."

Everyone was quiet for a moment.

"So you invited McDreamy," Christina sighed, making Meredith giggle.

"McDreamy?" Alex, Lexie and George asked at the same time.

"Yeah, she nicknamed him," Meredith told them, smiling.

"It fits I guess," George muttered.

"Well then Dr. Sloan is McSteamy," Lexie dreamingly sighed. "He's very steamy. And probably very good with his hands…"

"Stop it!" Meredith gasped, feigning shock. "Don't dirty-nickname my brother! It's weird!"

"So Derek is not your brother?" George asked.

Meredith stopped breathing mid-breath and froze in her tracks. The rest of the interns curiously looked at her.

"Yes, Derek is my brother. I mean, no he's not. Not a brother. More like a friend. A really, really good friend. If he was my brother, god, ugh. I don't want to think like that. But he's close like a brother. Though he's not. Ah." She took a breath and turned to Lexie. "It's beside the point! I just don't want to see my sister hurt by the man whore."

"Here they are!" Lexie exclaimed.

Meredith spun around on her stool and saw Derek standing in the door in regular clothes, taking the place in. She could see in his tired, smiling face that he was as tired as her.

"He brought Red? Mer! You invited Red?" Christina asked.

"No I didn't," Meredith said, trying to hide the disappointment she felt when she saw Addison beside Derek and Mark. Addison looked awkward in the bar, like she wanted to sterilize it. Mark, on the other hand, looked at ease, probably having more than enough experience with bars. "But it's a bar, she doesn't need an invitation."

"I swear, if crazy vagina woman utters one word to me, I'll drug her sparkling water or whatever freaky thing she orders," Christina hot-headedly whispered, making Meredith giggle.

Derek was scanning through the bar's many visitors, trying to find Meredith and her intern friends. He silently enjoyed the atmosphere; he hadn't been to one since he arrived in Seattle; in New York, he went all the time but had stopped because 'family time' was one of the main reasons that they moved to Seattle in the first place. And Addison didn't enjoy bars at all.

His ear caught a familiar giggle and his head snapped up, making eye contact immediately. There she was, sitting on a bar stool, surrounded by the other interns; they were all staring at him a little drunkenly.

"This way," he said to Mark and Addison without looking at him as he moved towards Meredith.

"Hey!" she cheered exitedly as soon as he was in hearing distance. Derek smiled and walked up behind her, inconspicuously breathing her in.

"Sorry, I couldn't sneak away from those two," he playfully whispered in her ear, making her giggle again.

He couldn't help but notice that she looked even more stunning than usually; there was a glow in her eyes, something he identified as a mix of tequila and post-surgery bliss. It completely overcame her tiredness and worn posture.

She was wearing a snug, black T-shirt with a pair of artfully faded jeans; her hair was loose and messy. It was casual yet appealing and Derek couldn't help but compare her with Addison who was awkwardly shifting the weight between her stilletoed feet, flattening her pencil skirt. Unlike Meredith, she looked uncomfortable and impatient to get the night over with.

"What is it?"

"You look nice," he replied, making her smile softly.

"I- uh… thanks."

"Anytime."

Meredith's eyes glazed over, like the alcohol was affecting her more. She raised her hand.

"Joe! Tequila for me and my friend Derek!"

"Tequila?" Derek asked warily.

"Yes," Meredith said with an end-of-story tone in her voice. She took two shot glasses from Joe. "Thanks Sweetheart, but we'll probably be needing more soon. Oh what the hell; just give us the whole bottle!"

"Mer," Derek slowly said, sitting down beside her on the stool Lexie had just abandoned. Meredith's sister was now dancing with Alex.

"Yeah?"

"I don't like tequila."

"What?" Meredith grinned. "Everyone likes tequila. It's good for you."

"Actually I don't," George interrupted and looked down when Derek send him a glare. "And it's not."

"See? It's not just me."

"Oh come on Derek!" Meredith said, frowning a little. That pout was fucking adorable. "You have to at least try it."

When had he ever been able to resist anything she wanted from him? She could ask him for anything in the whole world and he would make it happen.

"Okay," Derek agreed and smiled when Meredith excitedly clapped her hands together, not quite getting it right with the tequila she had already drowned in her blood. "One shot."

Meredith placed a glass in front of him and one in front of herself. She grinned at him.

"You first."

"As you wish," Derek obeyed and lifted the little glass with the clear liquid, hesitantly pressing it against his lips. Everyone waited for his reaction.

"Hmm," Derek said, smirking at Meredith. "Not bad."

"You're a girly drinker McDreamy," Christina snorted and poured herself a shot, knocking it down in one, swift motion. Derek, however, was sidetracked by something else.

"McDreamy?" he asked, confused.

"Never mind," Meredith cut in and grabbed her own tiny glass. Derek shrugged and let it go… for now.

"Watch and learn," she told him with a wink. She then proceeded to press the glass to her lips, tilting her head backwards, giving him a delicious view of her neck and bare shoulders, knocking the shot down. Meredith sat straight up again and received the applause from George and Joe with a gracious little bow from the stool.

"Impressive," Derek said in an approving tone. "You look like you've done this before."

"Trust me," Christina snorted. "She has."

"Christina…" Meredith mumbled with warning in her tone.

"What? It's true. You used to be the life of the party."

"Really?" Derek asked, intrigued. This was all new to him.

"Yeah, when we went to…" Christina laughingly stopped herself after a warning glare from Meredith, "The college who shall not be named, Meredith almost got kicked out the first year."

Derek looked at Meredith, amused, trying to picture a younger Meredith without any kind of responsibility. Meredith looked him in the eyes, smiling, seemingly a little relieved that he didn't judge her.

"You know what?" he asked her, already feeling the alcohol kick in. "Pour me another shot. Last one or I'll have to find myself a banana bag and an on-call room."

Meredith just giggled and did as he told her.

"Here you go," Mark said, handing Addison another beer.

"Thanks," she said and poured it in a glass. "You can go you know. If you rather want to sit with them."

"It's okay," Mark lied. In truth, he felt a little bad for Addison.

Derek was a good man but he hadn't been a good husband. Mark knew Addison suffered under his ongoing obsession with finding Meredith. And now that the girl was here in their middle, Derek seemed to have forgotten completely that he had a responsibility. Sure, Addison wasn't easy to be around, but Derek had married her out of free will and was partly to blame for Addison's alteration.

What happened to the funny, charismatic, beautiful young woman that was Addison? Derek happened.

Addison took a sip of her glass.

"Ugh," she sighed. "I hate beer."

"Hmm," Mark simply commented and leaned back in his chair. The two of them were hiding away in a corner with perfect view of the merry group at the bar. Meredith was giggling, drinking much more than you would think could fit in that body… and Derek looked a lot like he did in the old days, suddenly younger and more carefree than Mark had ever seen him. His eyes never left Meredith and when she got up and left for the bathroom, Mark caught a slight glimpse of panic in his eyes.

"He calls her," Addison said in a voice that made Mark turn around and look at her. It was bitter, sad and angry… but mostly just tired. "Every night, he calls her to make sure she is okay."

"Okay," Mark said warily, feeling more sympathy for his best friend's wife than he had done in the last seven years. He drank a couple of mouthfuls of beer, waiting for her to speak again.

"He never called me," Addison mumbled, emptying her beer glass and pouring some more up. "Not since she disappeared. He never once called me to tell me that he would be working overtime or go to a bar with you and David. He never called just to ask how my day was or if I wanted to make plans. He never called."

Mark looked at Addison, really looked at her. Her shampoo add-hair was ruffled and out of place, her cheeks were red from the heat, her grey button-down shirt was buttoned down instead of the usual uptight way she wore it.

"Come here," he mumbled awkwardly and leaned in to hug her. Addison threw her arms around him.

They sat that way for a while until Mark started to feel slightly uncomfortable.

Addison looked into his eyes as a timid smile spread across her face. Mark felt hot; why was it so hot in here?

She came closer, really close until there were no more than a few inches between their faces. Her lower lip pouted a little bit, catching his attention. Mark gulped and wished he hadn't been drinking. The alcohol clouded his mind.

Addison whispered two words in a soft, sensual voice; Mark could feel her warm breath, brushing over his face.

"Thank you."


	31. Chapter 30: Dance With Me

**Chapter 30: Dance with me**

Derek was sitting at the bar, nursing a glass of water; he didn't think he was able to drive all the way home but he wanted to be sober for Addison anyway. She hated it when he was drunk; she got that look in her eyes, a look that said _this is not the man I fell in love with._

Meredith and her friends were all dancing in the middle of the bar, completely oblivious to the many spectators.

She was beautiful, stunningly so, even more than usual when she had been drinking. It was a whole other energy that surrounded her; not the calm, sweet woman he had already gotten used to again, no, an entirely free, careless girl had taken her place. Derek liked her just as much.

Her hair was messy, her eyes half-closed and slightly unfocused as she swayed her body to the music, tiptoeing, smiling peacefully. It wasn't only adorable.

It was sexy as hell.

He really should stop thinking about her like that.

"She's pretty great huh?" the bartender said. Joe, Derek thought Meredith had called him.

"Yeah she is," Derek replied, narrowing his eyes at the man. Joe instantly put his hands in the air as to show that he was unarmed.

"Hey, don't give me that look. So not what I meant. I have a boyfriend and twins on the way."

"Oh," Derek mumbled and smiled. "Congratulations."

"I was just saying," Joe smiled back, "That girl is something. I haven't known her for that long but she's important to me."

"I understand that."

"I just don't want her to get hurt. From what she's told me, she's had a pretty rough life."

Derek sighed and kept watching Meredith swaying her hips in small circles, grinding a little at Christina. He wasn't the only one looking; several men in the bar had their eyes fixed on her tiny frame.

"You can say that again. And I won't hurt her if that's what you mean," he added something with a lower voice that even Joe probably couldn't hear. "It's more likely the other way around…"

"Derek!" Meredith giggled at him and he instantly smiled widely back at her like he tended to do in response to her. "Come here and dance with me!"

"No way!" Derek shouted back, grinning. He couldn't. Not until he stopped thinking about her like he did. Dirty, porny things that married men shouldn't think about women that were practically sisters. Speaking of married, he couldn't see Addison or Mark in the corner where he left them. Oh well, they must have gone home. "Have you forgotten? I never dance in public!"

"You did at Nancy's wedding!" she playfully reminded him. Derek cringed involuntarily at the memory.

"Which is the reason I don't do it anymore!"

Meredith moved away from her friends and came to stand directly in front of him, looking him deep in the eyes. Derek swallowed something. He was dizzy and it was not from the alcohol.

"Derek…" she purred, moving even closer to him. All trace of humour was gone. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. "Please? Please come dance with me?"

Derek couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything but her for a few seconds. The scent of lavender overpowered his mind. He was pretty sure he would get a hard on from that aroma for the rest of his life.

Addison, he reminded himself. I have a wife.

He looked up at Meredith's eyes that were slightly unfocused.

"Mer," he said and was surprised by the haziness in his hoarse voice. "I can't."

"Okay," she just said with the hint of a sad, little smile before she turned around and scanned the room, giggling as she found who she was looking for. "Alex! Baby! You want to dance with me?"

Alex immediately jumped at the chance and took her in his arms. His eyes appreciatively scanned up and down her sexy curves before he let his hands rest around her waist. Meredith threw her arms around his neck and intertwined them there, grinding up against his body. Alex laughed a little. Derek's hands went into fist, his knuckles white.

"Hey," a voice beside Derek said. He looked up and smiled when it was Lexie, Meredith's sister that sat there, smiling knowingly at him. It was weird that his little Mer had a sister; but he was glad there had been someone to take care of her.

"Hey," he simply answered with as much glee as he could muster, turning back to watching Meredith and Alex carefully. His jaw locked.

"Looks like somebody's having fun," Lexie just commented.

"Yeah," Derek mumbled unconvincingly. "Aren't they a little too slow for the song?"

"What are you, jealous?" Lexie grinned.

"No!" Derek said a little too fast. "I mean I'm married and all. It's just because she's practically my sister. And I don't get jealous. I'm a little protective, that's all."

"A little?" Lexie giggled and even though it wasn't as beautiful as Meredith's giggle, it was a lot like it, which made Derek smile widely in spite of himself. "Dr. Shepherd, you look like you're on the edge of kicking Alex somewhere unpleasant."

"I do, don't I?" Derek chuckled, toying with the idea in his head. "And you can call me Derek by the way. We're not at the hospital."

"Derek then," Lexie smiled peacefully. Derek finally turned around to really look at her and noticed the glass of water in her hand that matched his own.

"What, no tequila for you?"

"Nope," Lexie grinned. "I'm on-call. Hospital's property and all that."

"I see."

"And my father was an alcoholic. He died because his liver failed." Lexie sighed. "It brings out too many memories that I'm not exactly fond of."

"I'm sorry," Derek said, trying to show her that he really meant it. "I heard about it because of Meredith…"

"He left her all of his money," Lexie grinned. "Not that I care, I never needed anything. And I get it. I think it was supposed to be his first and last peace offer."

"She didn't want it," Derek remembered. "She didn't want to accept them."

"Came in pretty handy throughout Med School," Lexie smiled. "Though she says she felt disgusted with herself for using them."

"I can imagine," Derek smiled. "It's so like her."

They became quiet and Derek turned around to see Meredith still dancing with Alex, her back now leaning into his chest. Alex had both arms wrapped around her and one of them was slowly tracing upwards under her t-shirt…

"Hell no," Derek gritted his teeth and got up, Lexie laughing quietly at him in the background.

Derek quickly convinced Lexie to call a cab and went to where the interns were dancing.

"Mer," he greeted her and placed a hand on each of her shoulders, giving Alex a look that clearly reminded the intoxicated intern that his boss was here. Alex immediately let go of Meredith, letting her fall into Derek's arms.

"Derek!" she giggled and began dancing again, oblivious to his awkward stance. "I thought you said you didn't want to dance!"

"Mer," Derek chuckled again, trying his very best to look at her without noticing her full breasts or her perfect little ass or the way her hips swayed to the music. "I think it's time to go home."

"What?" she giggled. "No… Derek… You're no fun…"

"So be it," he muttered. The little things about her turned him on. The way she was on her tiptoes, the way she scrunched her nose when she giggled… "Looks like the cab is already here."

Somehow he managed to get Meredith and George into the backseat with Lexie's help. He then proceeded to drag Alex into the front seat, giving him a stern look.

"Everyone!" Meredith giggled. "Say 'goodbye Derek'!"

"Goodbye Derek!" George and Alex laughed at her childlike excitement.

"Bye," Derek grinned at her and watched them drive off.

"Well," Lexie said as she stood beside him. "I'm going back to the hospital to find myself an on-call room. What about you?"

"I'm not sober enough to drive home," Derek smiled at her. "So I'll probably just sneak into an on-call room as well." He couldn't face Addison. Not with his thoughts all clouded of Meredith.

"Sneaky," Lexie laughingly agreed. "Let's go."

They walked in companionable silence, Derek still trying to get Meredith out of his head. Before he knew it, they were in the hospital, getting off the elevator.

"This is me," Lexie smiled and nodded towards an on-call room. "Good night Derek."

"Good night Lexie," Derek smiled at her. She was nice enough.

He found an empty room, locked the door and lay down on the mattress. He was getting sleepy and adjusted his head on the fluffy pillow…

"Oh shit!" he suddenly muttered to himself.

The pillow smelled like lavender. Meredith had been in here not long ago.

Derek threw the pillow to the floor but knew that he wasn't going to get any sleep. Not with lavender in his nostrils.

He really shouldn't think of her like that. He had responsibilities, a wife, Addison, whom he loved… right? But in the darkness his imagination wandered and he could do nothing to stop it.

Her body. Her beautiful, gorgeous, mind blowing body.

Her hair, her long, blonde hair, tousled and messy, scattered all around, framing her beautiful face, those fiery green eyes. Her mouth, plumb and pouty, turned into a round 'O' as she moans his name…

_This is wrong._

Her mouth formed a round 'O' as she moaned his name.

"Oh god…" she whispered as he moved his lips from her throat to her lips and silenced her cries with them. He moved his face a few inches back to look at her.

"Addie," Mark whispered.


	32. Chapter 31: Jealousy

**Chapter 31: Jealousy**

"Hey Mer!"

Meredith turned around and smiled when she saw Alex running up beside her car. She took in his outfit, consisting of black jogging pants and a red Iowa State College hoodie, complete with running shoes.

"You _run_?" Meredith exclaimed, half in disbelief, half in annoyed awe. "What, you're not getting tortured enough?"

"Every morning babe," Alex winked at her. "Why do something if you're not willing to do more than everyone else?"

"Oh puh-lease," Christina snorted, driving past them on her motorcycle. "You're just as beat down as everyone else."

"Somebody's in a mood," Alex commented when Christina was gone.

"Nah, she's just Christina."

"Yeah…" Alex paused. "Listen Grey, I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh yeah? Walk and talk, Karev," Meredith smiled, starting to walk towards the hospital's main entrance. Alex quickly caught up with her.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me?"

"What?"

"You heard me," Alex chuckled, her astonished expression not bothering him the least bit.

"Why?" Meredith asked, not caring if she was rude.

"You seemed pretty interested last night."

"Last night?" Meredith groaned, blushing slightly. She had feared she had done something stupid last night at Joe's but hadn't been able to remember.

"Yeah. You were a pole dancer and I was your pole, remember?" Alex grinned, earning a glare from Meredith. She pushed the double doors open, Alex hot on her heels. They were already on the elevator when she muttered something.

"Ass."

"Your ass for the night if you want to," Alex smirked.

"Who made you so annoying?" Meredith asked, jokingly but with real interest in her voice.

"You want to go out with me tonight and hear about my secret pain?"

"Does that line ever work for you?" She asked as they entered the locker room.

"You would be surprised…"

"I can't," Meredith lied, smiling in spite of herself. "I'm seeing someone else."

He saw through her easily enough.

"Jeez Grey, you don't have to lie to me. Just say you don't want to go out with me."

"Alex, I don't want to go out with you," Meredith said firmly. She noticed his eyes on her breasts as she shrugged out of her jacket and sweater and into her scrubs.

"Oh but I think you do."

"Alex-" Meredith warningly began but he interrupted her.

"Come on Mer. It's just drinks at Joe's. Nothing fancy."

"Drinks at Joe's?" Meredith asked, knowing she was about to cave. Alex smelled an easy victory.

"Drinks at Joe's. Half the hospital will probably be there anyways."

"But we'll be there together?"

"That was the plan," Alex smirked mockingly like he was talking to a child.

Meredith tied the knot on her scrub pants while Alex fastened his pager to his lab coat. She was silent for a long moment.

"So?" Alex stressed.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "I'm off at 9."

"Okay?" Alex asked, smiling at her. "9 o'clock. Deal."

"I have to go now," Meredith told him after a look at her watch. "I'm scrubbing in with Dr. Sloan today."

"Sloan is letting you scrub in on an actual surgery?"

"Well yeah," Meredith answered, confused by his surprised look. "Why wouldn't he?"

"Sloan doesn't _do_ interns," Alex sighed.

"Well I'm also one of his oldest friends. He does me."

"Damn you Meredith Grey," Alex sighed and got up but she could see a smile in his eyes before he left the locker room.

There was no reason she couldn't do this. She could have fun for one night, she could date… Even though it was the wrong man she would be dating. Hell, the right man, and there certainly was a right man, was far beyond her reach.

"Bye!" she shouted after him, wondering what the hell she had gotten herself into.

"L-like a date? A _date _date? Not an appointment or a casual meeting, an actual date?"

"We've been over this a million times George. It's a date."

Derek was flipping through a medical journal, waiting for a CT scan. He couldn't help but smile and shake his head slightly at the everyday dramas of an intern's life, overhearing the conversation being upheld just behind him. He was so glad he was past that part of his life…

"But… how? Did you pressure her into something… Is it a pity date…"

"No Georgie," Alex Karev said in a voice that made it sound like he rolled his eyes. "Believe it or not but some people are actually able to get a date without threatening or begging."

"But it's Mer! Mer doesn't date!"

All trace of humour disappeared from Derek's face in a split second. He dropped the medical journal to the floor.

_What?_

"She does now," Alex confidently smirked. What Derek could shake his head at mere seconds ago now seemed like the most important thing in the world.

"Where are you taking her?" George O'Malley asked.

"Joe's for drinks."

Derek breathed in a little, frozen, his hands still in the air, not noticing that they no longer had a journal to hold onto. Joe's. At least not somewhere fancy… on the other side, Meredith could get quite flirty with the right amount of tequila; she proved that point last night.

George seemed to be thinking the same way.

"Joe's? Romantic," he snortingly commented.

"Unlike you Georgie," Alex said, "I don't need expensive restaurants to make an impression."

"Also, you're broke and won't admit it."

"Well you go think about that, little Georgie, when I'm screwing Grey tonight..."

"Dr. Karev and Dr. O'Malley," Derek said in a frosty voice. George and Alex froze, not having realized that he was sitting right in front of them.

"Dr. Shepherd," George swallowed. Alex was just suddenly very interested in his own feet.

"This is a hospital. A place where people are born and die." Derek's voice was low and soft but both interns caught on to the razor sharp edge in his voice. "If you don't want people to die because of you, I suggest you get a fucking move on and shut up about your pathetic little love lives for a moment before I fire your sorry asses."

George and Alex stood still, shock the dominant feature on their faces. They'd never heard the nice, fair, well-renowned surgeon speak to anyone like that before. It was normal for the interns to take a break; everyone, especially the attendings and residents who had been there themselves understood that.

"What are you waiting for?" Derek asked, loosing his patience and raising his cold voice. "GO!"

The interns woke up and hurried away from the cranky neuro surgeon.

The cranky neuro surgeon watched them go and sat still in his chair for a moment, feeling strength come back to his legs. He was surprised by the forceful emotions running through his head.

Anger. Annoyance. Sadness. Confusion. Rage. More confusion. Jealousy.

Jealousy. He didn't have the right to feel that. Meredith was a grown woman, free to do whatever the hell she wanted, even sleeping with Alex fucking Karev.

Keep telling yourself that, a little voice inside his head whispered. Because inside, he knew. He had known for a while.

She had become so much more to him than a sister or a best friend. Everything about Meredith was enticing, so appealing, so delicate… beautiful. She was beautiful.

He had to find her.

Derek finally got on his feet and the ground felt slightly unsteady. When feeling able to walk, he rushed off.

He didn't have to look for a long time. The first thing he heard as he got out of the elevator on the surgical floor was a magnificent giggle, a delicate sound that nothing in the whole world could resemble or compare to.

There she was, laughing, her entire face lit up with delight. Her hair was pulled into a messy ponytail and the light blue scrubs she hated so much accentuated her creamy skin perfectly.

Meredith was leaning against the nurses' station, chart in hand, smiling gently at the man in front of her.

Derek once again felt an urge of strong, uncontrollable jealousy when he saw who Meredith was laughing with.

It was Mark.

"Sloan," Derek greeted Mark with gritted teeth as he swiftly walked up to them. They both turned to look at him with bright smiles on their faces.

"Oh hey Derek!" Meredith grinned. "Markie was just telling me about the fun you apparently had at his last birthday. I thought you said you don't dance anymore?"

"I don't," Derek just deadpanned. "Though some people certainly do."

"Oh god, what did I _do _last night?" Meredith groaned.

"The question is really what didn't you do last night," Derek muttered under his breath.

"What?" Meredith asked as she didn't hear.

"Nothing. Although it surprises me you haven't slept with him yet, the way you let him touch you last night."

"What's that supposed to mean? Who are you talking about?" Meredith's nose scrunched up in confusion.

"I'm just saying that your fuck for the evening probably wouldn't like to know that you're standing here, having eye sex with Sloan."

Mark looked at Derek with pure surprise while Meredith stiffened. Derek saw the hurt look on her face and realized that he had overstepped.

Meredith looked him in the eye and he instantly felt bad.

"I don't need to justify anything," she just mumbled and turned to Mark. "I'll go get Jennifer ready for surgery."

With that, she left the two men alone at the nurses' station.

Neither Mark nor Derek said anything for the longest time. Then…

"Damn," Mark mumbled, stealing a glance at his friend. "You really have the hots for her, don't you?"

"What?" Derek laughed a nervous chuckle. "What do you mean? I'm married. And she's practically my sister."

"If you think of her that way, then it's really creepy, so don't," Mark smirked. He then sighed. "You can't talk to her like that."

"Like what?"

"Like she's a whore or something. She's not. Nothing is going on between me and Mer."

Derek sighed heavily.

"I know… I just- I get so mad sometimes, seeing her with men…"

"Derek," Mark interrupted. "You don't own her. It's not like you guys are married or anything…"

Derek blanked for a second, several images suddenly appearing in his mind. Meredith in a long, white dress, walking down the aisle, her long golden hair loose, a bright smile crossing her features…

"Derek!" Mark said, regaining his friend's attention.

"I know," Derek sighed. "It was uncalled for. It's… I heard Karev talking about how he was going to screw her tonight. Made me see red."

"Meredith's a smart girl," Mark said. "She wouldn't sleep with someone like Karev."

"You should have seen her last night. She's boundary-less when she's drunk. The way she was grinding up against him on the dance floor…" Derek groaned and looked at Mark. "Speaking of, when did you and Addie leave? I didn't see you go…"

"Um…" Mark mumbled, suddenly a little pale. "Addie wasn't feeling so well, so I drove her home… And went back to my place instantly" he quickly added.

Derek had a weird feeling that Mark was avoiding Derek's eyes. He couldn't really make himself care.

"Shit," he just muttered as he realized that Meredith had every right to be mad at him… and that she was still going out with Karev.

"You're in trouble man," Mark agreed.

"Thanks," Derek rolled his eyes. Then it hit him. "Actually there is something you can help me with."


	33. Chapter 32: Apology

**Went MIA, had to go get my visa – I'm going to become an exchange student in the US Well, here I am. And oh, the thing with Jennifer CAN happen; and enjoy the relative calm, it's not going to last that much longer ;)**

**Chapter 32: Apology**

For the second day in a row, Meredith was dragging her worn, bone-tired, post-surgical body to the bar counter. Only today, none of her friends were here.

"Hey Joe," she greeted the bartender with the biggest smile she could muster in this moment; it looked more like a grimace.

"Mer," Joe smiled at her and noticed her drained posture. "Bad day?"

"You have no idea," Meredith sighed.

It was just one of those days. She had had the first thing even resembling an argument with Derek; he had left her angry, hurt and most of all confused.

He had no right to insinuate what he did. Derek didn't own her, even if she wanted to be his more than anything. Meredith was allowed to go on a date with Alex. She was allowed to have fun.

It hurt her that he would ever imagine there was something between her and Mark; he couldn't be further off if he had tried. Mark was Meredith's brother. It felt filthy and wrong to even think of him in any other way.

Meredith was left confused; because why would Derek care? Sure, he felt protective over her but apparently a lot more than over any of his biological sisters. Maybe it was because he had rescued her so many years ago… they had rescued each other from the loneliness.

Still, he had no right. He was a married man, a man that didn't want her but didn't want anyone else to have her either. Meredith felt the annoyance flair inside her chest once again.

Damn him.

The worst part? Derek was only partly guilty of her bad mood. There was more to come.

It seemed impossible that a person could die from getting breast implants. A perfectly safe method, a young plastic surgeon with a reputation already great, a simple standard procedure…

Jennifer didn't wake up.

Anaesthesia imposes great stress on the body. It happened from time to time. It was the risk you had to take with surgery. That was the way it was.

But Meredith couldn't just let this one go. A young woman had died for bigger boobs. This young woman had counted on the surgeons, on Meredith, to keep her alive. And they had failed her.

So yeah, you could say that Meredith had had a bad day.

Meredith looked at the clock. It was 8:30 pm.

It had surprised her when Mark had let her go an hour early with a little wink and a '_enjoy your date'. _But, exhausted and depressed as she was, she had let it go and gone to the lockers to change without further questions.

Now, she couldn't wait to get the date over with so she could go home and lay down.

"I'm guessing you know what I want to drink…" Meredith hinted, winking tiredly at Joe.

"Straight tequila? You are going to be sorry in the morning,"

Meredith was about to say something but another voice beat her to it

"She always sorry in the morning," Derek said in his familiar, rich tone, taking a seat next to Meredith. "How are you doing Joe?" he greeted Joe, who was smiling knowingly, before he turned his full attention on Meredith. Who wasn't acknowledging his presence.

"Double scotch, single malt please."

The glass was set in front of Derek who nodded and continued to just sit there in silence. Meredith was quiet, too.

A sudden thought occurred to her. Could he have something to do with why she was off an hour before she should be?

"Damn Mark," she muttered to herself. Derek heard her and chuckled under his breath but stayed silent. Meredith took that as confirmation.

"So is this a good place to hang out?" Derek asked, his voice friendly. Meredith's head snapped up at the playful tone in his voice; she could no longer resist his gaze. Mildly surprised by the animated expression on his face, an expression that always seemed to take her breath away, she turned away from him.

"I wouldn't know. I've never been here before."

"Liar," Derek chuckled. Meredith stiffened, annoyed. She was staring directly into the wall as she emptied her shot of tequila. When she didn't comment or show emotion in any way, Derek continued.

"Huh. You're ignoring me?"

"Trying to," Meredith replied, feeling awkward.

"You shouldn't ignore me," Derek told her in a more serious voice.

"Why not?" Give me one good reason Derek, Meredith added in her head. Give me one fucking reason.

"Because you're my best friend and I love you and I'm sorry for what I said."

"Derek-" Meredith started but stopped talking when she looked into his earnest blue eyes. All train of thought was immediately gone.

"You just sit back and listen, Meredith Grey. I said some things I don't mean today. I'm truly, honestly sorry I told you those things. None of them are true."

Neither Meredith nor Derek said anything for the longest time, Meredith pondering his words, Derek giving her time to do it.

It was an apology. Clearly a heart-felt one. When Meredith scrutinized his eyes, all she saw was shame and remorseful sadness. She had never been able to bear it when Derek was sad.

"Meredith?" Derek finally asked when she didn't say anything.

"Yeah?"

"Forgive me," he tried again, carefully smiling at her. "You know you love me, too. I'm irresistible."

"You really like yourself," Meredith softly commented, signalling for a new drink. But Derek was relieved to see the corners of her mouth twitch upwards.

"Just hiding my pain," he joked. She finally giggled but the sound was insincere and false in her own ears.

"I lost a patient," she confessed to him and watched his features become concerned and sympathetic in a knowing way. He reached out and patted her on the shoulder. Meredith shivered. Could he feel the electricity, too?

"I'm sorry," Derek told her honestly once again; and she knew he was talking about more than the patient.

"I- she just- she didn't wake up. She just wanted bigger boobs and she never woke up. How screwed up is that? How is that possibly right?"

"It's not," he only said.

Derek moved his chair closer to hers and took one of her hands in both of his. The soft, warm fingers enveloped her hand and sent pleasant, slow shivers down her spine. Her breath became superficial as her heart went into a sprint.

His bright gaze was locked on her lips and she couldn't resist the urge to lick them. He shouldn't be looking at her like that… When he did, she no longer felt responsible for her actions…

He was right. He was absolutely irresistible.

She wanted so badly to throw her self at him, to kiss him senseless, to run her fingers through his thick, black curls, to whisper in his ear.

Take me. I'm yours.

Derek finally tore his eyes away from her lips, letting go of her hand.

"Do you remember the first time we met each other?" he asked gently.

Meredith nodded. How could she forget?

"You were mad at me for stealing your room. I told you that your family missed you."

"You made me see reason," Derek smiled fondly. "You made things make sense."

Meredith felt tears welling up in her eyes. She wished she could think of him like a friend, like a brother. Would it always be like this? Would she always want more? Would she never move on and marry someone and have children? She wanted all that, she really did. But only with Derek.

"We…" She began. Their eyes met and he broke into a smile that made her heart flutter and ache at the same time. "We talked about bad dreams."

"You remember what you said before that?" Derek asked. "I'm just a girl on a bed."

"I do," Meredith laughed quietly. "And you answered, well I'm just a boy on a bed."

"Sounds vaguely suggestive now," Derek mumbled. Meredith chuckled.

"That's very gentle humour."

"It is, isn't it?"

Derek just sat there and smiled for a moment, far away in thoughts. Suddenly he signalled to Joe for more alcohol.

"Well, Dr. Grey. Lets get you drunk."

Meredith just giggled.

When Alex arrived to the Emerald City Bar at 8:45 after a surgery that went longer than anticipated, the sight that awaited him was not what he expected.

Meredith was there but it looked like she had started without him. She was standing up, unsteadily leaning against the bar, one arm in her coat, the other one failing to find the right hole. Beside her stood Derek Shepherd, in the middle of paying Joe.

"Meredith!" Alex greeted her.

"Alex!" Meredith yelled back. Her voice was slurry, her gaze unfocused. He went up to her and caught her when she reached out to meet him and nearly fell.

"Easy now."

"I've got it Karev," Derek interrupted and used his own arms to hold her steady. He looked sober and was glaring murderously at Alex. "I'm taking her home now."

"Home?" Meredith asked, bewildered, still with her coat half on. "Nooo… I don't wanna go home… I wanna dance…"

"Don't pout at me," Derek chuckled and helped her get the coat on. "You know I can't resist the pout."

"Then don't," Meredith simply said and leaned into his arms. Derek was overwhelmed with the familiar scent of her and stiffened. She started moving her body from side to side, driving him to the edge of insanity.

"Meredith," Derek said in an odd, strained voice. "You're grinding up against me."

"Is it working?" Meredith simply asked, huffing when she didn't get a reply.

"Let's go," Derek said but after a couple of steps, it was clear that it could take her hours to cross the bar on her own two feet.

"Derek!" Meredith giggled, shocked despite her intoxication when he took her in his arms and began carrying her out for the second time in a week. "People are looking!"

"I know," Derek grumbled, almost too aware of all the men who now had perfect access to a good look at her ass. "I'll hurry."

"See you Alex!" Meredith managed to yell before they were out the door.

Alex was still standing at the bar, staring at them, slowly shaking his head.

Only after placing Meredith on the passenger seat in his Porsche where she immediately fell asleep, Derek realized that he had no idea where she lived.

He considered waking her up but after taking a look at her, he decided he couldn't bear to do it. She looked so cute and peaceful with her unruly hair, her lips set in a stubborn pout that was so _her, _the eyelids almost purple, her arms cradled to her chest and flushed cheeks, flushed from excitement. A soft snore was slipping through her lips, making him laugh quietly into the starless night.

After brief consideration, Derek decided to take her to his and Addison's newly bought townhouse, one that was very Addison and not very Derek. But moving to Seattle had been a major stretch for his wife and though he dreamt of wild nature and a fishing lake, he was willing to compromise. The decision to move, he knew now, was the best one they had ever made.

Though he was no idiot and knew that Meredith and Addison weren't the best of friends, he also knew that Addison would be thrilled to finally have some use for the guest room.

If Meredith didn't wake up, he would carry her to bed. The thought alone of having to undress her sent his mind into a haze, and he shook his head violently.


	34. Chapter 33: Oh My God

**Chapter 33: Oh my god.**

"Where are we?" Meredith asked in a groggy voice. She opened her eyes and felt a little dizzy. Praying to god that she wouldn't get sick, she noticed the seatbelt and that she was extremely comfortable in a soft leather seat.

"Mer! You're awake…" a well-known voice exclaimed. Meredith looked to the left and stared into Derek's eyes. He looked relieved and a little disappointed at the same time, something she didn't care to think more about right now. If something was seriously wrong, he wouldn't be able to hold it in anyways.

"I'm awake," she agreed and noticed that the car was standing still outside a townhouse that was twice as big as her own. "Where are we?"

"At my place," Derek simply answered. He couldn't tear his eyes off of her sleepy little frame. The fact that the entire car was flooded with the scent of lavender did nothing to help him clear his mind.

"Why?" Meredith scrunched her nose in confusion, looking adorable.

"Because I don't know where you live."

"Oh" Meredith just answered sleepily. Derek thought she actually looked pretty sober; the little nap probably took the edge off.

"So I figured you could sleep in the guest room. Or you could tell me where you live and I'll drive you home…"

"The guest room is fine," Meredith assured him before something suddenly darkened her features like a shadow and made her look a lot more awake than before. "If Addison doesn't mind…"

"Addie would probably be delighted," Derek replied half lying, half trying to convince himself. "She'll be thrilled that someone will actually use the room."

"Let's do this then," Meredith answered and he easily caught on to the nervous edge in her drowsy voice.

"Let's," he agreed, got out of the car and went to open hers. But by the time he got there, she was already climbing out. She shut the car door behind her, resting against the car for a moment, making the ground stop spinning and looking up at his disgruntled face.

"What is it?"

"You didn't let me open your door," Derek answered, pouting slightly.

Meredith raised her eyebrows and stiffened a giggle.

"I'm terribly sorry Derek," she said in the most serious tone she could possibly muster. "I really appreciate the thought, since opening the door on my own can be such a struggle. It's mindboggling, really, how I managed to do it for the last 25 years…"

"You're mocking me," Derek mumbled, still a little aggravated by the looks of it but also smiling a bit.

"A little," she admitted and winked at him. "If you forgive me, I'll let you open the front door."

"Thanks," Derek chuckled and began crossing the short way to the house. "Consider yourself forgiven. Can you walk?"

"Yeah I think so," Meredith replied, carefully taking a few steps away from the car, successfully walking straight. "How did you get me into the car?"

"As a matter of fact," Derek smirked, "I carried you."

"What?"

"You didn't want to go home but I couldn't leave you there alone with Evil Spawn-"

"Who, Alex?"

"Yeah that's the one."

"So you threw me over your shoulder and walked out of there?" Meredith giggled, trying to imagine the image in her head, failing miserably.

"Something like that."

"Why thank you Derek. Now get a move on with that door, would you?"

"Right away _madam_," Derek chuckled and pulled out his keys.

"That's _mademoiselle,_" Meredith corrected him with a snicker. "I'm not married."

"No you're not," Derek agreed with a smile as he finally found the right key and unlocked the door. "After you."

Meredith happily brushed beside him and left a trail of lavender that Derek was sniffing in as he followed her and locked the door behind him.

"Wow," Meredith said as she looked around with wide, nervous eyes. "This is…"

"All Addison," Derek finished for her with a tiny smile, offering to take her jacket.

"I could guess that much," Meredith thoughtfully nodded and let him have her coat.

"Make yourself at home," Derek said, frowning a little as he hung the coats up in the closet. "That's weird."

"What is it?"

"Mark's jacket is in here. He must have forgotten it the last time he was here."

"He's around a lot?"

"Yeah. We almost can't get rid of him, He lives just across the street but he says he likes this house better."

"It is very…" Meredith paused, searching her brain for an appropriate word; she wanted to be well mannered but also truthful. "Grand."

"It's a freaking interior magazine," Derek chuckled, gesturing to the artfully draped curtains and bare, white walls. There were no items that would tell you who lived there, no pictures, no books except for medical ones, no personality… The more Meredith looked around, the more out of place and awkward she felt.

Derek noticed her discomfort and fought the urge to take her in his arms and not let go… she looked about as wrong as he did in this nightmare of stainless steel and off-white surfaces.

"Would you like something to drink?" he asked, thinking that it was a little early to go to bed.

"Coffee would be great," Meredith nodded, still a little awkward in her sneakers, faded blue blouse and hole-y jeans. "Where's Addison?"

"Probably asleep. She's had a long shift."

Derek couldn't tell if he was imagining things; but Meredith really did look relieved.

They made their way to the kitchen, consisting of futuristic, white surfaces; it seemed impossible to locate anything but Derek, who had gotten around to learn to find the basics, managed to track down the coffee cups.

While they waited for the coffee, they leaned against the kitchen counters and talked about nothing in particular.

It amazed Derek how easy it was to talk to Meredith. There were never awkward pauses, never shallow words; he would only pause when getting sidetracked by her animated features.

As much as he loved to see her listen, unconsciously cocking her head to one side, slightly raising her left eyebrow in interest, he simply couldn't get enough of watching her talk. The way her face pouted into concentration. The way her features lit up when she laughed. It made him want to make her laugh and keep her laughing for a long time.

"Derek?" Meredith asked, scrunching her nose in the adorable, confused way. "Are you hearing what I'm saying?"

"What… Sorry, yes," Derek breathed, getting lost in her eyes. "What were you saying?"

"I was just asking if I could use your bathroom?"

"Of course. It's upstairs, second door to the left..."

"Got it," Meredith told him and made her way up the stairs, doing her best not to be too noisy or break anything. She didn't feel at home at all in surroundings like these; and in a hundred years, she couldn't imagine living a place like this. Nothing here reminded her of Derek. On the other hand she could see Addison's flawlessness in every perfectly arranged petal on a gigantic flower bouquet, smell it in the odour of her expensive perfume that was all over the place…

She reached the top of the stairs and turned left... wait, what was that noise?

Sounds were coming from the first door on the left, from the room Meredith assumed was the master bedroom. The door was half open and light flooded out in the hallway.

The sounds were low-pitched screams, a woman's moaning mixed with groans that could only belong to a man. Both voices were easily recognized.

Meredith stood there, frozen, for a few seconds, her eyes slowly widening.

_Oh my god._

She involuntarily took a step forward, and then another one, but she already knew what she was going to see before she reached the door.

Meredith pushed the door open all the way, which went unnoticed by the couple on the grand bed. She quickly indentified the red hair as Addison's; the man lying on top of her was, just as her insides expected, Mark. Both were completely naked, moving in a fast, steady rhythm. The noises went on.

Meredith just stood there without really seeing anything.

Suddenly, a voice called from behind her.

"Hey Mer! You hungry?"


	35. Chapter 34: Say Something

**I'd like you all to take a look at my new Merder fic - it's called Navy Taxi after a song by Kate Nash. Pretty please? :)**

**Chapter 34: Say something.**

_Suddenly a voice called from behind her._

"_Hey Mer! You hungry?"_

Meredith spun around and stared into the warm, cerulean eyes that belonged to Derek. Derek, who was going to be hurt by his wife and best friend in a matter of seconds, hurt in a way she couldn't even imagine…

Derek noticed her frozen form, the panic in her eyes. He quickly walked up to her, placing a hand on each of her shoulders, panic starting to build in him as well.

"Mer!" he softly said, worry etched on his face. "Mer, what's wrong? Are you hurt?"

Meredith couldn't speak, couldn't think of anything to say.

"Mer!" Derek repeated, really upset now. He gently pulled her head backwards so he could check her pupils in the light. They responded normally. "What is it? Tell me!"

"I…" Meredith began but was interrupted by an especially loud noise coming from the master bedroom.

"GOD, Mark, yesss!"

"What's was that?" Derek slowly whispered, only noticing the moans now that he was fairly sure nothing was seriously wrong with Meredith.

"Derek…" Meredith tried to say but his face was suddenly set in stone, like he knew what was coming. Derek walked past her and looked into the bedroom, suddenly freezing.

The pair in the bed now lay still, legs and arms intertwined. Derek's facial expression turned from confusion to a mixture of anger and pain. He weakly cleared his throat.

Derek's wife instantly looked up and locked eyes with her husband. She let out a screech and covered her mouth with her hand while she grabbed the sheet and concealed her body.

Derek's best friend looked up to see what in the world was making the woman beside him react like that. When he saw Derek standing in the doorway, he immediately rolled off of Addison, standing up beside the bed, entirely naked, shock visible in his eyes.

"Derek!" they whispered simultaneously in broken, alarmed voices, then noticing Meredith standing behind Derek with an unfathomable expression in her eyes.

Meredith reached out to lay a hand on Derek, who was just standing there, staring into nothing.

Meredith's touch was what seemed to bring him back to reality. He flinched like had an electric current gone through him.

He took one last look at the woman that had been his for the last seven years and the man he had known since kindergarten. They were both frozen, obvious guilt etched on their faces.

Then he spun around and ran down the stairs.

That woke everyone up.

"Derek!" Addison screamed, her high-pitched voice piercing through the deadly silence. She bolted out of bed with nothing but the sheet around her; but was held back by Mark's strong arms.

"Wait," he whispered, his voice wrecked and dead-beat. "You know Derek. Give him some time."

"Time…" Addison whispered, tears starting to pour down her face. "If he walks away now, we'll never survive this."

When he saw that Addison saw sense, Mark quickly let go of her like she was some poisonous object. She fell down on the bed, rocking back and forth, and buried her head in the fluffy pillows, while he picked up his pants from the floor and put them on. Then he looked up and noticed that Meredith was still standing in the doorway, having not uttered one word.

"Meredith?" Mark whispered, tears forming in his eyes as well.

She didn't say anything. What was there to say? She just kept staring directly ahead.

"Meredith?" Mark repeated, pleading pressure in his voice now. "Please say something."

Meredith was slowly waking up from her comatose state of mind.

"Derek," she said, her voice that sounded way too weak and dull to be hers. "I should go after him."

"Go!" Mark urged. "Before he's gone too far."

Something kicked inside Meredith as she spun around and ran down the stairs in no time at all without having looked at either Addison or Mark.

"Derek!"

A slight, unimportant part of her mind registered that she hadn't put her jacket on as she sprinted out in the cold, dark, rainy night. The downpour was quickly soaking through her t-shirt as she frantically looked around, trying to decide where to start looking.

"Where the hell are you?" she asked quietly into the night, ignoring the wet hair that was clinging to her head and the chills that slowly made their way down her spine.

That's when she noticed that his car was still there, the motor running… with him in it.

Relieved, Meredith took a mouthful of air in, quickly realizing that she'd been holding her breath for way too long.

"Damnit," she whispered and took a second to calm herself down before seeing him. She felt lightheaded, not only from the lack of oxygen but from the alcohol… Could it really be true that they'd been drinking, laughing, dancing only an hour ago? With uncertainty in her long strides, she was at the passenger door, grabbing the handle; it was locked.

Meredith hesitated; would he let her in if she begged him? Was it better to leave him alone?

Before she could do or say anything, a loud click interrupted her speculations. She gave the handle a trying squeeze and the door immediately gave in. Relief flooded through her as she slid in and closed the door after her, the heavy rain becoming a faint background sound, already a memory.

He let her in.

Neither said anything to begin with. They just sat there, frozen and wet, slowly warming up to the car's heating system, the leathery scent invading her senses. His hands were clenching the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white. Meredith focused on the hands. She was afraid to look at him, to see pure pain in his eyes, pain he'd never known of before… She felt almost ridiculously protective of him in that way; Derek should never ever experience hurt. He should be happy, content like the child she had grown up with…

Meredith didn't know what to say; seven years of thoughts and confessions and images she just wanted to bleach out of her brain were swimming around in her mushy mind.

Your wife of six years cheated on you. _I love you._ With your best friend of almost 30 years. _I love you._ I would have slapped him. _I love you. _I totally would have. _I love you. _Now you don't have anyone you can trust. _I love you. _You can't trust me because well… _I love you. _I ran away from you. And I… _I love you. _I love you. _I love you. _And I'm pathetic and scary and damaged and the worst friend ever. _I love you. _A good friend would know what to do right now. _I love you. _A good friend would have kicked Mark in the guts and pulled Addison's hair out while she had the chance because she's a girl and not very tall which means she can get away with anything. _I love you._ A good friend would say something. _I love you. _A good friend would want nothing more than friendship from you. _I love you._

"…Love you," she unthinkingly whispered into the deafening silence, accompanied by the delicate sound of rain, thrumming against the front window. Meredith threw her hand over her mouth, eyes wide and panicked.

"Huh?" Derek only asked. She should have foreseen his cheerlessness but that didn't make the lump in her throat any smaller as she heard his cold voice. It hurt her to know that he was suffering; mixed with relief that he hadn't heard her. But the ice was broken.

_Get it together, Meredith._

She folded her hands in her lap and took yet another deep breath. Then she finally raised her head and looked into his eyes.

He was staring at her, too, but it was as if he was not really seeing her, like he was in fact looking at something else entirely, something beyond where she was able to follow him. She wondered if he, too, was unable to shake the images off. Derek's mouth was pressed into a thin line, his shoulders tense and his hands not letting go of the steering wheel. And although his beautiful cerulean eyes were unusually emotionless, she could feel it; the hurt and the anger was radiating from him, from every single cell in his body.

And while she still wanted to bleach out the mental images of Mark and Addison in bed, Meredith knew that this was the picture she'd never forget, no matter how hard she tried. This, Derek so filled with hurt, was what would keep her up at night.

"Is 31 too young?" Derek suddenly asked in a hoarse voice.

"Too young?" Meredith asked softly, laying her hand on top of his on the steering wheel. He didn't throw it off which she took as a good sign.

"Too young to look back at your life with nothing but regret?"

She could hear the bitterness creeping into his voice; but at least his shoulders relaxed a little when she let her hand stroke his in soothing circles. Meredith had no idea what to say. Nothing she said could possibly make anything better.

"I don't know," she honestly answered and went back to saying nothing.

Silence. Then…

"Meredith?" Derek asked and his voice was abruptly soft, almost tender as her name rolled off of his lips.

She felt something was coming, something big, something that made her stomach curl into a ball… She kept her mouth shut, waiting for him to continue.

"What do you think I should do?"

Meredith would have grabbed the front mirror and hit herself in the head with it if her hands weren't busy, trying to keep Derek as relaxed as possible in this moment.

She should have predicted that one. She should have been prepared. Instead…

He just sat there and looked at her, the complete, utter reliance so evident in his soft voice. Why did he have to make this her decision?

A sudden rush of adrenaline overpowered Meredith's emotions as something hit her; he could be a single man. He could be free, liberated… _divorced_. That was the word, the _one_ word, Meredith had no doubt about that, and Derek would leave his wife. One stupid word was all it took.

One word.

But…

Did she truly believe that Derek would be better off if he left Addison? Or was some part of her heart, some little voice in her brain, hoping that he would need a shoulder to cry on… that he would turn to her? That he could be hers?

Derek loved Addison. Did Addison love Derek? Meredith was fairly sure she did. And even though Meredith could have killed that woman herself in this moment, she knew that Derek would be better off with the woman he loved, a perfect, beautiful woman, than… her. Twisted, ordinary Meredith.

The decision was almost made from the moment Derek asked her. She couldn't do this. She couldn't destroy a marriage, be a home wrecker…

Meredith looked at him, letting all her frustration and pain and love dominate her features for just a second. The only thing she wanted was to be there for him, to stroke the wetness off his cheek and kiss the tiny spot dry… She wanted, no, she _needed_ to throw her arms around him and hold him together so he wouldn't break into a million pieces, just like he had held her together the first time they met.

_We won't break Meredith. _She could almost hear his adolescent voice in her ear… Meredith suddenly realized that Derek was waiting for an answer, his blue eyes staring into hers. She had to say something, anything really.

_Deep breaths._

"You need to forgive her," Meredith said in a hoarse whisper. She cleared her throat to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. "And him. You need to forgive him."

She almost swore she could see his eyes darken a little in disappointment – but that had to be wishful thinking, right?

He looked… hurt. If possible more so than before she said it.

"Okay." When he replied, it came in a cold whisper, breaking a little in the end, his eyes narrowing to small, dark, empty holes. It sounded as if he was trying to convince himself. "Okay. I can do that."

He suddenly pulled his hands back and Meredith willingly let him have them. The constant thrumming of rain was the only sound to be heard.


	36. Chapter 35: Silence

**Chapter 35: Silence**

"Let's get going," Mark muttered in the morning. No one replied or signalled that they had even heard him. As if it wasn't bizarre enough that he was still here. But it was all part of the 'forgiveness' thing.

"_Really, I should just go now," Mark said, exchanging a look with Addison who seemed just as confused and bewildered as he was, when Derek and Meredith walked back into the house._

"_Yeah, me too…" Meredith added awkwardly._

"_No," Derek just said humourlessly. "You can both overnight here."_

"_Derek…" Addison trailed off in a teary voice. She had managed to throw a silky nightgown on and was now halfway hiding her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry. So sorry…"_

"_Let's just go to bed and we'll all go to work together in the morning," Derek coldly interrupted her and walked upstairs._

_Left was Meredith, Mark and Addison, staring at each other with unsure expressions._

"_I'll take the couch, you take the guest room," Mark eventually offered. Meredith just nodded, too fuming to insist otherwise._

The silence was impossible to overcome.

Derek opened the driver's door and Addison, presumably eager to show that she was staying far away from Mark, sat beside him. Wordlessly Meredith and Mark took the back seats. In the mirror, Meredith's beautiful eyes met his for the shortest of seconds before he looked down.

He had no idea why but he simply couldn't look at her… not right now.

It seemed like it had been years, not hours since she'd been sleeping beside him in the car, giggling, joking with him when he wanted to open her doors… It only felt real because of the lavender aroma; it was still all over the place.

Feeling slightly out of this world, Derek put the key in the ignition, making the car come to life with a purr that would normally make him smile from ear to ear. Not today.

All he could feel was nothingness, creeping in on him, making him numb and unresponsive to the world around him.

Wasn't he supposed to be… angry? Hurt? Livid? Just a little upset that his wife was sleeping with his best friend? Derek simply couldn't make himself care enough to think that through… He was tired. And a little spiritless, sure. Mad? No. It had been like this forever, probably since Meredith disappeared…

He stopped caring about Addison a long time ago, he knew that. He wasn't guilt free. And how many times hadn't he caught himself in thinking of Meredith, dreaming that it was Meredith lying beside him in bed, Meredith bare-footedly wandering around in the kitchen, Meredith he was driving home to every night, Meredith's legs wrapped around him, Meredith's body that would some day carry his child? While Addison was the one who had cheated physically, he hadn't been in this marriage whole-heartedly… ever. Not since their engagement night, the night Meredith left them…

He ignored the green eyes that were burning a hole in his mirror. It was twisted, how the only thing he found any pain in, even now, was Meredith.

"_What do you think I should do?" Derek asked._

_The numbness overpowering his body, her face the only thing he was able to focus on. Just in that moment, he had complete and utter faith in her, like he had not had it for the longest time. He trusted her blindly, to the point where he felt pathetic…_

_Meredith stiffened beside him and narrowed her eyes slightly. At first, her face lit up just a little bit; but then it fell ever so slightly into glumness. _

_Derek realized that all she had to say was 'divorce' and it would happen. One word. He would do anything she told him to in a split second; all he needed was one word…_

_The thought sparked something, just a little flicker, alive inside him. It was when he realized that he was silently hoping for Meredith to want him to leave Addison… that she would have him, one way or another…_

_Take me. I'm yours. Derek silently tried to catch her eyes._

_She finally looked up at him and just for a second, Derek saw emotions in her eyes that he had never thought she had… love… desire… need…_

_In that split second, frustration was dominant on her face, a frustration he shared with her. He so badly wanted her close to him, her arms wrapped tightly around his body like his had been the first time they had met. Abruptly, he was taken back to that time and remembered the promise he had given her._

"_We won't break, Meredith." That was what he had said. _

_Suddenly, he was no longer so sure._

_Just as quick as they appeared, the emotions were again drained from Meredith's face. Had they even been there in the first place? Derek wasn't sure if it was real or just some kind of wishful thinking._

_Her face was expressionless but her eyes were a little sad. Somehow, Derek had a feeling of what she was going to say._

"_You need to forgive her," Meredith said and with that, Derek felt the first flicker of real pain. "And him. You need to forgive him."_

_That was her decision. That was what she wanted. Derek wanted to bang his head against something for hoping she would want anything else._

"_Okay," Derek said, his voice breaking a little. "Okay. I can do that."_

_He had made her choose for him and she had chosen. He was okay with that._

_But if that was true, then why did it hurt this much?_

_He had a sudden urge to pull his hands out of hers and she let him do it. As soon as her palms were no longer touching his skin, he felt absolutely alone._

Derek pulled into his usual parking space at the hospital. Everyone jumped out of the car as soon as it was not moving, eager to escape the awkwardness.

_This is insane; _Derek couldn't help but think though it was his own idea. _My wife cheats with my best friend and we all drive to work with the woman I'm in love with. Like it's normal._

Addison's pager broke the silence.

"I have to go," she said and shifted her weight from foot to foot a couple of times, hesitant, clearly deliberating whether to do something or not. In the end, she cautiously stepped closer to Derek and pressed her lips against his cheek before spinning around on her heels and almost running into the hospital. Derek was numb. He couldn't feel anything.

"You're on my service Mer," Mark mumbled incoherently and looked at Derek, tears building in his eyes. "I'm sorry man," he patted his shoulder and began walking towards the main entrance.

Meredith just gave him a long, thoughtful glance before walking off, catching up with Mark, leaving Derek alone, leaning against the car frame, hoping the numbness would disappear enough for him to walk.

What the hell was going on with him?

Derek just stood there for a while, letting the misty Seattle air that he was growing to love embrace him like a clammy, transparent layer. Suddenly his phone went off; when he reached down for it and checked the caller's name, a chill went down his spine.

"Shit!" Derek whispered and stared at the phone. It was her. Who he hadn't talked to since before Meredith came back. Who didn't even know. Who was probably scared shitless and pissed because he hadn't answered her phone calls.

Derek groaned and took a second to prepare for the waves of emotions that were about to hit him. He flipped his phone open with a sigh.

"Hey mom."


	37. Chapter 36: Pregnant

**Hi! So, this is pretty long and filler-y in the beginning – but you don't want to skip it ;) If you haven't already, please check out my other story Navy Taxi – that's the last I'll mention it here, I promise **

**Chapter 36: Pregnant**

"Seriously?" Christina asked in a loud voice, making everyone on the floor turn in her direction with curious looks. It was in the middle of the night, almost morning, but there was always a certain level of commotion on the surgical floor.

"Shh!" Meredith hissed, lowering her voice even more in response. "Do you want the entire hospital to find out?"

"Oops," Christina shrugged, seemingly unaffected, and shifted a little on the hospital bed that had become their favourite lunch spot. She picked up the banana she was currently suturing. "But seriously, McSteamy and crazy vagina woman? Seriously?"

"Seriously," Meredith agreed.

"Wow," Christina with a thoughtful expression. "I wouldn't have picked Sloan for a guy who's into girls with sticks up their ass-"

"Christina!" Meredith admonished but couldn't help smiling a little bit when she whisperingly added: "I know right?"

Christina still looked a little taken aback as she stared into the air for a minute.

"Oh this is going to break little Grey's heart…"

"Not exactly the biggest issue right now," Meredith sighed.

"Oh wow," Christina said again. This time she let out a little, stunned laughter. "I bet McDreamy is pissed."

"That's the problem," Meredith whispered. "I have no idea what he's feeling. It's weird because I can usually see what he's thinking, but he didn't look very angry, he just looked kind of frozen…"

"Wait," Christina said, putting down her banana. "Shepherd's not furious? He didn't punch someone?"

"No, he just… left the building…"

"Crap." Christina sighed. "I could just picture him with an angry, red face and the McHair all out of order…"

Meredith bit her nail.

"And when he came back in, he insisted that Mark and I spent the night and went to bed himself."

"What?"

"Separately," Meredith rolled her eyes. "And this morning, he drove us all to work like everything was normal, only he wouldn't look at me."

"Why wouldn't he be looking at you of all people?"

"I have no idea…" Meredith trailed off when she spotted who was coming in their direction. "Here he comes."

Meredith mustered a friendly smile as Derek approached their little hideout. It looked like he hadn't seen them at all. Now he was less than 10 feet away, still looking directly ahead…

"Derek," Meredith muttered in greeting when he walked past them. No reply. No reaction, except maybe he stiffened a little bit. It was as if he couldn't hear them.

"Damn," Christina mumbled when Derek was disappearing into the elevator. "This is starting to feel like kindergarten."

"It's a mess," Meredith agreed. "I get why Mark and Addison aren't talking to me. There was never much contact with Addison and Mark is probably too ashamed and embarrassed."

"But you're on Sloan's service, right?"

"Yeah but… He said he didn't have anything for me to do. Sent me to the clinic."

"Well he does that with everyone else," Christina shrugged. "Welcome to the world of normal interns."

Meredith just rolled her eyes again. She stole the banana from her friend's hands and began suturing.

"It's all good. I'm a too mad at him to be around him anyways."

"So you're mad at them but Derek's not?" Christina asked. "You're doing it wrong," she added, pointedly eyeing the banana.

"I don't know!" Meredith groaned, frustration evident in her voice as she let go of the fruit and let it fall to the floor. "I just wish I knew what the hell is going on with him."

"Okay…" Christina trailed off and looked at her friend. A thing Meredith loved about Christina was that the woman could be supportive or just be snarky and brutally honest, but she never ever showed pity.

"What?" Meredith asked when her friend continued to look at her.

"This may sound like a really crazy suggestion," Christina said with the hint of a smirk, "But why don't you try talking to him?"

"I can't," Meredith sighed. "I can't talk to him about that without telling him how I feel."

"…And we're back to kindergarten," Christina said with an eye roll. "Why would it be so bad for him to know what you're feeling?"

"I…" Meredith didn't know what to say. "I don't want to loose him."

"Maybe you won't," Christina answered. "I'd pick you over vagina woman any day."

"Thanks," Meredith smiled a little. "But it's not like you're an expert on these things."

She expected a quick retort but oddly enough, Christina was being awfully quiet.

"Christina?" Meredith asked softly, sensing that there was something really bothering her person. "You know you can tell me anything."

"Yeah," Christina answered and her voice was almost soft. This was a side of her that she rarely showed; but Meredith had been her best friend for seven years and knew that something big was coming.

Meredith didn't say anything. She just waited for Christina to drop her bomb. They sat there a while in silence.

"Look," Christina said and her voice was becoming heavy like it always did when she was emotional. "I don't want any sympathy or girly stuff… I just need to tell you. You can't react in any way."

"Okay?" Meredith said, really worried now. She couldn't see where this was going.

"I… I'm pregnant."

Meredith's eyes widened but she controlled her facial expression because Christina was sitting there, staring at her, waiting for her response. She took a deep breath.

"How far along?" she finally asked in a neutral voice, trying to grasp how Christina was feeling about it all.

"I don't know exactly… I haven't been to the doctor," Christina answered, seemingly glad that Meredith wasn't jumping up and down in excitement like Lexie would have or horrified like she would have been herself.

"But you're sure? Absolutely sure?"

"I peed on eight sticks. Had to drink my own weight in Sunny D to generate enough pee…" Christina trailed off and bit her lower lip. Meredith decided to ask some of the heavier questions, now that her best friend was opening up like she rarely did.

"So who's the father?"

Christina just groaned. Meredith knew that she needed to be pushed a little bit. This wasn't something that would go away if they stopped talking about it.

"Do I know him?" No reply. "Christina?"

Meredith's best friend took a deep breath and looked at her hands. Shockingly, there were tears in her eyes.

"Oh you know him alright," she mumbled.

"Is it Dr. Hunt?"

Christina's head snapped up.

"How the hell did you know?" she cried, forgetting to keep her voice down.

"Wild guess," Meredith shrugged. "And I've seen him looking at you. Does he know?"

"No," Christina muttered stubbornly, "And he's not going to."

"That means…" Meredith paused indecisively. "Are you getting an abortion?"

Christina didn't say anything, didn't react in any way… but her lower lip trembled.

"I… I…"

Meredith automatically leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Christina. The latter stiffened a bit at first but relaxed in her arms after a little while.

"You're hugging me," she stated.

"You're letting me hug you," Meredith simply replied.

"Don't get used to it."

They sat there for a while but were interrupted by the sound of Meredith's pager. Meredith pulled back to look at it, her eyes widening a little in surprise.

"Derek's paging me to the main entrance," Meredith softly mumbled, looking at her person.

"Go," Christina urged with a small smile. "Go fix things with McDreamy."

"Sure?"

"Yeah…" Christina smirked a little. "This is not the best place to cuddle. Wouldn't want to ruin my reputation, would we?"

"Guess not," Meredith said with a meek grin as she walked towards the elevator. It was empty which was to be expected, as it was no more than 4 am. Wondering what the hell Derek would want from her at the main entrance, she leaned against the back of the elevator.

It used to be so easy to read Derek… He was a transparent person who never knew when to shut up… except that in the last time, she had felt like he was hiding a part of himself, holding himself back. Obviously she had secrets from him, too. She loved him. Lucas, she had never told him about what happened with Lucas…

The elevator doors parted and Meredith stepped out… freezing immediately. She felt her breath become raggy, her eyes widening and tickling with yet to be spilled tears.

Meredith found herself staring into a very familiar pair of eyes, the most beautiful ones, right after Derek's of course, maybe exactly because they reminded Meredith so much of his. But although the shape was exactly the same, these were not a cerulean blue but a warm, tender brown. They were framed by more wrinkles and lines and carried more wisdom.

"Carolyn," Meredith managed to whisper, choking and breaking on the word.

The brown eyes immediately filled with tears, a disbelieving expression crossing the woman's features. She was beautiful, extremely so, even though age had taken it's toll on her. Grey streaks were randomly showing in the thick, rich brown hair that had clearly been given on to the next generation.

In her periphery vision, Meredith suddenly noticed Mark and Derek standing on each side of the woman, Mark with a shit-eating grin on his face. Bewildered, she caught Derek's eyes and he met hers unwillingly, a glimmer of melancholy sadness in there. She couldn't concentrate on that right now. Her eyes moved back to the only mother she had ever known of.

Mark for once stayed quiet and motioned for Meredith to join them with his hands.

Meredith hesitantly took a step forward. Did Carolyn hate her now? It's not like she didn't deserve to be hated… The woman hadn't broken the eye contact; she continued to stand there, frozen.

In a few more strides, Meredith was at standing in front of her, only two feet away.

She saw so much in those eyes. Pain. Worry. Relief. Astonishment. But never anger. No, Meredith couldn't trace a single hint of anger in Carolyn's eyes.

They stood there, in the middle of the lobby, staring at each other for several minutes. It was only when Mark cleared his throat that Meredith realized what was happening. The first tear quickly made it's way down her cheek but there were many more to come.

When Carolyn saw them, her own eyes spilled over.

"My dear girl," she whispered and the sound of her wise voice made Meredith whimper like a little girl, only she had never cried like that when she was a child. She could sense Derek shifting nervously at his feet and smiled a little to signal that she was okay.

Carolyn took those last steps towards Meredith and wrapped her arms around her skinny little body. Meredith threw her arms around the woman and felt warm like she hadn't in a long time, the pleasant honey-like smell enthralling her nostrils…

She was home.


	38. Chapter 37: When To Push

**I was a really good girl yesterday, writing three updates; so here we go – surprise morning update!**

**Chapter 37: When To Push**

"Do you want some more wine?" Meredith asked, her voice still carrying traces of emotion but her eyes warm and content. Carolyn couldn't take her eyes off of the beautiful young woman beside her.

"No thank you dear," she simply smiled.

"Anyone else?" Meredith looked around the table and saw that everyone's glasses were full except for one. She took a deep breath and managed a polite smile. "Addison?"

Addison shook her head without meeting Meredith's eyes and grumbled some under her breath. Derek rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"It's a lovely dinner Meredith," Carolyn said, trying to keep up a conversation since no one else seemed to be doing so. Something was definitely going on between Addison, Mark, Derek and Meredith. Now if she only knew what…

"Always the tone of surprise," Meredith giggled, making Mark and Carolyn chuckle gently at the memories of a young Meredith's many failed kitchen adventures. Derek kept unusually quiet.

"I'm serious," Carolyn smiled. "This steak," she forked a piece of meat and held it up as evidence, "is to die for."

"Thank you," Meredith nodded and reached for her hand under the table. Carolyn squeezed it tight. "I can't really take credit for it though – it's all George."

She exchanged a soft smile with the dark-haired, doe-eyed male on her other side. Derek cleared his throat.

"You did make the salad," George defended her, seemingly uneasy in the company of three of his bosses.

"I thought there was an odd flavour to it," Mark teased, as always relatively unaffected by awkwardness, and received a glare from Meredith.

"Mark," Carolyn admonished kindly before turning to George. "I don't believe we've been introduced. Are you Meredith's boyfriend?"

There was a loud noise as Derek dropped his fork and dived under the table to recollect it.

"For god's sake Derek," Addison sighed loudly. What was that all about?

George nervously looked Carolyn in the eyes.

"N-no." He laughed hesitantly. "We're just friends. And roommates."

"Oh," Carolyn chuckled, keeping an eye on her son, whose jaw was set in stone as he reappeared at the table. Addison was glancing at him too, a frustrated glimpse in her eyes. "So you're just here for moral support?"

"I uh…" George hesitated and looked at Meredith from the corner of his eye. "I guess you could say that."

Meredith blushed a little but Carolyn once again squeezed her hand, making Meredith look up into her calming eyes.

"It's okay," she assured and meant so much more than she let on. Meredith's eyes once again filled with tears.

"So Carolyn," Addison suddenly said, abruptly interrupting the silent moment between mother and daughter. "How long are you staying?"

"Not very long," Carolyn answered and resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Craig and I are going to Maui on Wednesday, so I have to go back tomorrow."

"I can't believe you didn't tell her sooner Derek!" Addison told her husband in an aggravated voice that sounded a bit forced in Carolyn's wondering ears.

Derek just shrugged and once again rolled his eyes, a bored expression on his face. However, they were all distracted by Meredith's surprised outburst.

"Craig?" she asked, her voice breaking a little. "Craig Hanson?"

"Oh Meredith," Carolyn sighed and reached for her daughter's other hand. "I'm married."

"What?" Meredith asked, the tears in her eyes brimming over. George patted her on the back.

"Five years on Friday," Carolyn confirmed.

Meredith squeezed both of Carolyn's hands tightly, bringing them to her face to wipe her cheeks. The two women stared into each others eyes as the tears continued to flow freely.

Derek, George and Mark's faces all became worried as Meredith buried her head against Carolyn's neck but relaxed when she let out a stunned little laughter. Carolyn smiled gently through her own tears and patted Meredith on her back.

"Congratulations," the word was muffled against Carolyn's neck. "I'm so happy for you."

"You are?" Carolyn asked, a slight level of surprise in her voice.

"Yes," Meredith said and looked up. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well," Carolyn smiled and exchanged a look with Mark. "Derek, Mark and the sisters certainly needed more time before giving their blessing."

"We're happy for you too, mom," Mark smiled a genuine smile. Derek, who had yet to say a word, just nodded absently. "That's what counts."

Carolyn just beamed in agreement and pulled Meredith even closer.

"It was a beautiful church wedding," she whispered into her ear. "The autumn leaves were just beginning to fall and we held the reception in the garden. It was small and perfect."

"Sounds amazing," Meredith's muffled voice said.

"Lucas arranged it all," Mark added with a slight chuckle. "Who knew that man was born to be a wedding planner?"

It wasn't a big change; actually, it was almost not there. If Carolyn hadn't been sitting with Meredith basically in her arms, she wouldn't have noticed how the girl turned stiff against her shoulder. But Carolyn did feel it, felt the girl stop breathing for a second.

She needed to get to the bottom of this.

"Why don't I help you with the dishes Meredith?" Carolyn asked. Meredith stiffly agreed; they ended up in the kitchen, piling the plates.

"Thanks for offering to help but it's not really-" Carolyn cut her off.

"What is going on between you guys?"

"I err…" Meredith hesitated. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well Mark can't even look at anyone but me, Addison is biting Derek's head off and Derek can't keep his eyes off of you!"

"Carolyn," Meredith sighed and met her eyes. "It's honestly not my story to tell."

"Well whose story is it?"

"I think Derek should tell you," Meredith pondered that for a moment before adding, "When he's ready."

"I could stay longer, you know. Craig would understand."

"Oh no…"

"Really, it would be fine…"

"He, Derek, needs some time," Meredith said and added, "I hope. To figure everything out."

Carolyn looked at her little girl and felt her heart do a somersault.

"When did you grow up and become so wise?"

Meredith giggled, breaking every last bit of tension. Carolyn savoured the sound and automatically beamed.

"Alright," she agreed with a sigh. "I'll let it pass."

"Thank you."

"I'm not done," Carolyn smiled softly at Meredith's suddenly nervous expression.

"You're not?"

"No."

"What do you want to know?" Meredith asked, trepidation in her tone.

"You left because you were in love with Derek," Carolyn stated. It wasn't a question.

And what point was there in denying it? If there was one person it was impossible to lie to, it was Carolyn.

"Yes."

"And you still love him."

"Yes," Meredith sighed as she put the plates on the kitchen table; her hands were shaking. "I'm sorry."

"Oh no honey," Carolyn whispered. "It's okay. I just… I just wanted to be sure."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" she hesitated and studied the girl's reaction carefully. "If there was something more… would you tell me?"

"I…" Meredith paused. "I'm sorry I didn't keep in contact. It was just-"

"Too hard?" Meredith nodded and Carolyn continued. "I get it, I do, I might be the only one who really gets it because I was the only one who knew but…"

"But?"

"Did something happen with Lucas?"

Carolyn didn't mean to say it so bluntly; but she had to know. Something was off, her instinct told her. And by the looks of Meredith's facial expression, her instinct was right.

"What? Why would you think that? What has he said?"

Carolyn looked into her daughter in everything but blood's eyes. They were frightened, panicking.

"Nothing, he just… he seemed so off for a very long time after you left. Not that we all weren't, he was just different, almost… guilty. Like he felt it was his fault. And just before, you stiffened at the sound of his name."

Meredith swallowed something and remained silent for a long time. Carolyn knew when to push and when not to; this time, she had to wait. At last, the girl opened her mouth.

"I-"

"Can I help with anything?" a voice interrupted. Both women looked up to find George standing in the doorway, a nervous expression on his face.

"Sure," Meredith quickly said and took the opportunity to bail by going back to the table, muttering something about 'more plates'.

Carolyn sighed and handed George a towel.

**So I know some people were kind of hoping for Carolyn to sweep in and make a quick fix; but I wanted to keep it real; Derek and Meredith need to figure some things out by themselves.**


	39. Chapter 38: You Can't Even Say It

**Chapter 38: You Can't Even Say It**

"… And then she just said no and left! We weren't that bratty when we were interns, were we?"

"Mhmm."

"Derek?" Addison asked. "Are you even listening?"

"Yeah," Derek lied as he feebly tried to think of a cue word that would make her go on by herself. "Yang."

Seemingly it was enough; his wife detonated into another explosion of words.

"I can't believe she would treat an attending that way! You know, I think I'll have to talk to Richard about her behaviour, it's too much…"

Derek didn't say anything. It was as if nothing Addison said could catch his interest. He wasn't mad at her, he wasn't hurt… just extremely tired.

"Derek?" Addison pushed. Wasn't that all she ever did these days? Push.

"Yeah?" he said, absentmindedly flattening the bed sheet he was sitting on.

This was the bed where Mark and Addison… yeah, he tried not to think too much about that. It tended to make the whole 'forgiveness' a lot easier when he didn't speculate or listen; maybe he should just stop thinking.

Ever.

"Do you think we should have invited your mother to stay with us? Was it rude not to?"

"I…" Derek ransacked his brain for a proper answer. "I'm sure she's fine."

"But we have lots of room!" Addison protested.

"Addison, she's perfectly all right with," Derek swallowed and tried to say the word; but it wouldn't come out of his mouth, "George. It was only one night."

If he had been more present, he would have noticed that his wife was quiet for a long moment; but he didn't before she spoke in a voice that was so cold and low, so completely different from the former that even he was shaken out of his trance.

"You can't even say it," she bitterly mouthed. "Can you?"

"Say what?"

"Her name," Addison whispered. She lowered herself onto the bed beside him, her face suddenly awfully near. "You can't even say her name."

"Who," Derek said, rapidly deciding that it would be better to play dumb, "Who are you talking about Addison?"

She laughed a humourless laughter, carrying not a single trace of warmth, as she saw right through him.

"You know exactly who I am talking about."

Derek took the deepest breath he could fit down into his lungs and swallowed a lump in his throat before turning to face his wife. A hand landed on each of her shoulders; how sick and twisted was it that it felt wrong to touch her? Derek ignored the thought and looked her straight into her eyes.

"Meredith." There, he said it, unwavering and resolute. Indifferent.

Little did she know he was crumbling inside, every cell in his body aching in confusion and pain and… exhaustion.

Or maybe she did know; something in his eyes made hers harden as she harshly wriggled out of his hands and stood up in front of him.

"God DAMN it Derek!" she yelled, her voice booming and echoing through the house, and he could tell that this had been a long time coming. So he mentally prepared himself, guards up for whatever she was about to throw at him.

"Addison-"

"Don't you get it? Don't you see that all this," she made a wide gesture with her arms, figuratively embracing everything and he could only assume she meant the cheating, "was meant to get your attention? To get some kind of reaction out of you?"

She was now pacing back and forth, only stopping once in a while to look at him.

"I really do love you Derek! What do you want me to do to get your attention?"

Derek stiffened further on the bed, calmly hearing her out.

"I sleep with Mark, I sleep with your best friend and I get nothing! Nothing!" Addison threw her hands in the air in frustration. "Do you have any suggestions?"

"Add-" Derek began but was once again interrupted.

"Oh, you know what?" she laughed hysterically. "I've got an idea! Maybe I should leave without a note and stay away for seven years, letting everyone think I'm dead!"

Derek flinched.

"Or maybe I should go on a date with the man whore intern; or I could invite O'Malley to a dinner party; that seems to be driving you crazy!"

Derek just stared at her.

"I could dye my hair blonde," she continued, tears of frustration starting to fall from her eyes. "Or maybe I should change my name. But oh no, you know what?"

"Addison…"

"You know what?" she asked again, looking him dead in the eyes until he had to ask.

"What?" he sighed. Addison stood right in front of the bed, towering over him.

"That won't work either, because I'M NOT MEREDITH GREY!"

A part of Derek realized that his wife was crying in front of him, sinking down beside him on the mattress.

It was strange. It was downright bizarre; but he couldn't make himself feel anything, no regret, no sadness, no pity, no anger… only one thing occurred to him in this moment, just a tiny little spark of hurt that had nothing to do with Addison.

It still stung him, just a little bit, that Meredith was a Grey, not a Shepherd…

Derek looked at her and discovered that she, too, was looking up at him, cheeks glistening and red.

When she spoke, it was in a low, bitter whisper.

"How did we get to this, Derek?"

He looked her in the eye and found nothing but tears there. No comfort, no nothing.

"I don't know," he answered lifeless but truthful. "But Addison?"

"Yeah?" she sounded oddly hopeful.

"I'll try harder, I promise I will." She lightened up at his words, even if they were spoken in an emotionless voice. "I just need time."

Addison stood up, looking extraordinarily like her old, shiny self for a second.

"You can have time," she whispered and went for the bathroom. Out of the door, he heard her voice again.

"We really need to get ready!"

A moment later, he heard the shower start.

"Time," he mumbled to himself, sighing.

Hoping that this, the time, would be able to get Meredith out of his head.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*

"I am so sorry I couldn't stay longer," Carolyn told them all as they were to say goodbye. "I'll come back very soon."

"Deal," Meredith warmly agreed, making Derek sigh slightly. "You're always welcome."

He may be able to avoid her eyes and not look at her; but her was positive that her beautiful voice would cut through any noise and reach his ears no matter what.

He, Meredith, Mark and Addison were all in the airport to send Carolyn off. As Carolyn said her goodbyes, she took much longer with Meredith than with the rest; which was to be expected really.

"And you're welcome in New York anytime sweetheart," his mother replied fondly.

Derek glanced at his watch and cleared his throat. He could feel Meredith's eyes on him.

"Mum… It's time."

"You're right, I have to go now."

Carolyn gave him a tight squeeze, and kissed his forehead before letting him go and repeating the procedure on Mark.

Addison received a delicate, polite hug before Carolyn turned to Meredith again. She took the girl in her arms; Derek could feel Meredith eyes trying to catch his, burning holes in his forehead.

And Derek could not resist any longer; he looked up at her and was caught in her stare immediately. He was drowning in it, in her emerald pools that seemed to soften, only when they where connected to his.

Then her eyes widened in surprise as his mother leant further in and whispered something in her ear, something not audible to anyone else.

Carolyn let go of Meredith and gave her a bright smile; one that was carefully returned with a small nod. Then Derek's mother was already gone and Meredith seemed far, far away, lost in thoughts.


	40. Chapter 39: Confession

**Chapter 39: Confession**

"Meredith Grey, ordering a glass of water," Joe mused, genuine disbelief audible in his voice. "There's something I never thought I'd live to see."

"Gee thanks Joe," Meredith rolled her eyes and accepted the glass he was offering her.

"I'm serious," Joe teased but there was something in his tone other than amusement; real worry maybe? "Do I need to call Christina and get her down here?"

"I'm fine," Meredith replied. She rolled her eyes at the unconvinced huffing sound Joe made but remained silent, in deep thought.

"What did McDreamy do now?"

"Nothing. He… Wait," Meredith narrowed her eyes as she glared at Joe. "How do you know he's McDreamy? What has Christina said?"

"Oh I know more than you would think," Joe chuckled.

"I'm going to kill…"

"It's not solely on her," Joe laughed at her sour facial expression. "You guys are all rather chatty once you get something to drink."

"Oh god," Meredith muttered, hiding her face in her hands. As she peeked up between her fingers, Joe was still staring amusedly at her.

"Don't worry; I've learned to keep my mouth shut."

"Thanks Joe."

"So what's with the water? If it's not Derek-related, I can't think of anything…"

"It is Derek-related," Meredith smiled slightly but had a bitter taste in her mouth. "Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"I'm meeting him here," she told him. "I need to keep my calm."

"Hence the water."

"You just said it yourself; alcohol makes me rather chatty. I want this to come out the right way."

"What?" Joe asked, intrigued.

"Sorry Joe," Meredith giggled apprehensively. "You already know more than good is."

"You're nervous?" Joe laughed as he watched her fidget with the water glass.

"Yeah," she admitted. "Terrified."

"_I am so sorry I couldn't stay longer," Carolyn said, her eyes resting on Meredith with mixed emotions clearly evident in them. "I'll come back very soon."_

"_Deal," Meredith agreed, feeling a sharp pang of frustration that she had gotten to spend no more than a day with the mother she hadn't seen for the last 7 years. It was harder to say goodbye than she had imagined. "You're always welcome."_

_A part of her wished she had just told Carolyn everything, from Lucas to Addison to the cheating… She had been close the previous night in the kitchen. If George hadn't entered when he had…_

_But he had and another part, the domineering one, knew that a lot of it wasn't her story to tell. It should be Derek, when he was ready and had peace. Only she hoped, desperately, that the peace he would find included her, one way or another._

_They couldn't keep going like this, Derek avoiding her but from time to time looking at her like… she had no idea what he wanted from her. All she knew was that she couldn't bear it much longer._

"_And you're welcome in New York any time sweetheart," Carolyn smiled brightly at her._

_Derek cut in with a throat clearing. Meredith looked at him but his glance was fastened on his watch that was, apparently, extremely fascinating._

"_Mum. It's time."_

"_You're right," Carolyn sighed. "I have to go now."_

_She buried both Derek and a remarkably quiet – he'd better be, Meredith thought to herself – Mark in kisses and hugs before turning to Addison. The latter received a stiff hug before Carolyn finally turned to Meredith._

_It was as if her beautiful brown eyes melted when their gazes met, in complete contrast to the cool façade used with Addison. Carolyn opened her arms and Meredith let herself completely relax in her mother's arms._

_Over the shoulder, she could see Derek, now staring blankly at a point right to her left._

_Meredith bit her lower lip and intensified her gaze with all might; if he could not feel it physically pricking on his skin, she would be surprised._

_And suddenly he gave in, he looked her straight in the eye as if he could not stop himself from doing so. _

_She was easily getting lost in the blue ponds; they looked oddly miserable and Meredith felt actually ill, wishing she could take that pain away, when Carolyn pulled her even closer. While keeping up the eye contact – she could not have broken it had she wanted to – she moved her ear to Carolyn's mouth._

_The gentle breath blew into her ear and she shuddered and widened her eyes with surprise at the urgent words her mother was letting only her hear._

"_Tell him. You have to tell him before it might be to late."_

_And then:_

"_I'll try to keep your sisters away. Give you some time to figure things out."_

_Carolyn pulled away to look at Meredith, who had stiffened, mixed, tangled emotions running though her, with a bright smile._

_Meredith ended up nodding carefully to show that she had understood the meaning of Carolyn's words. Carolyn winked at her and was then gone._

_She sensed Derek's, as well as Addison and Mark's, confused gaze on her but she didn't say anything the whole ride home._

At first, Meredith had refused to see the sense in Carolyn's words. Telling Derek, what… that she loved him? That she wanted him? That she left because of him?... would make everything worse, put him in a position that she never meant for him to be in.

He was married. To a cheating whore, yes, but nonetheless married. Meredith couldn't be a home-wrecker.

And then, of course… As much as she hated to admit it, even to herself… even if she told him, even if she put herself out there... There was close to no chance he could possibly feel the same about her. She was his sister, for god's sake!

The pain of rejection would be… She couldn't imagine. What if he couldn't be near her after that, avoided her; well, he already did, but what if he completely cut himself out of her life? Could she handle that?

But when he looked at her like he had looked at her in the airport; Meredith felt cherished and adored and loved in ways that went far beyond the bond between siblings and she couldn't help but wonder.

In the end, she had decided to go for it. No matter what the answer was, wouldn't it be better than _this_? Than not knowing, than hiding part of herself from the one person she felt really knew her, really got her?

Her confidence had wavered when she approached him in front of the O.R. board.

_He had been standing there for at least five minutes; that was how long she had been observing him from behind. Meredith was fairly sure Derek was no longer looking at the surgical board but just staring into the air in front of him, staring at things no one else was able to see._

"_Dr. Grey," Derek's familiar voice said in an odd, strained tone. Emotionless._

"_Y-eah?" her voice broke. She hadn't realized he had sensed her there behind him._

"_Do you need anything?"_

_Meredith took a deep breath, remembering Carolyn's firm words and encouraging smile. She looked him dead in the eye and he gulped._

"_Derek," she said, addressing him by first name and thereby showing him that she wasn't going to play along with his cool, professional attitude._

_He merely waited for her to continue._

"_I really need to talk to you. Alone."_

"_Look, Meredith, I really don't think that…"_

"_Derek," she interrupted, silencing him with her voice as well as her eyes. "It's important."_

"_I…"_

"_Please?" yes, she begged him, she had asked him to do something for her, said 'please.' Meredith didn't say 'please'. "For me?"_

_It had the wanted effect on him. His eyes softened remarkably at her plea. She took it as confirmation and continued._

"_Meet me at Joe's at 7:30. Please." Repeating the word she rarely used; she didn't like to ask, to need or depend on something or someone; was enough to make him show up. She hoped._

_Meredith walked away as fast as her legs could carry her._

"What time is it?" she asked Joe, nervousness creeping into her voice.

"It's 7:31," he replied, looking sympathetic. "Is he late?"

"Yeah by one minute," Meredith sighed audibly and forced herself not to loose her nerve. Not now.

The little bell on the door signalled a new person entering the room. Meredith didn't have to look to know who it was; Joe's facial expression changed from sympathetic to smug – and she could feel a certain pair of blue eyes boring into the back of her head.

She stared directly ahead, soundlessly hyperventilating as Derek occupied the chair on her right. Only when Derek's strained chuckle cut through the awkwardness and silence, she felt her heart beating at a slightly more reasonable pace.

"Is that water I see in your hand? Or are we drinking tequila from normal-sized glasses now?"

Meredith couldn't help but smile; he had been so glum lately (with good reason) and it made her appreciate this little, happy moment so much more. She treasured his every smile and laugh, rare as they were.

"You came," she breathed.

"Of course," he smiled carefully at her. "Now what is that?"

"It's water," she assured him. "Derek…"

"Meredith?" he asked, instantly back to the serious, almost-blank face that had been the almost fixed one over the last few days.

"I wanted to talk to you about something important and I want you to listen closely. You and I both know I'm not the best speaker," Meredith rolled her eyes as Derek made a noise in agreement, "so please, just… listen closely," she lamely ended.

Meredith knew she had his full attention and took a deep breath. They were alone; or as alone as you could hope to be in a bar. There were no one else at their side of the counter and Joe had had the courtesy to move out of hearing distance.

"Derek…" she began again, feeling her resolve waver. Maybe… no. It was now or never.

…

Where to start?

"Listen. When I left for Dartmouth, I-"

"Wait," Derek broke her off. Meredith looked at him with irritation at his interruption until she saw his face and realized her slipup.

"You went to Dartmouth?"


	41. Chapter 40: Who Found You?

**Chapter 40: Who Found You?**

"_Wait." Derek broke her off. Meredith looked at him with irritation at his interruption until she saw his face and realized her slipup._

"_You went to Dartmouth?"_

Derek watched Meredith, carefully scrutinizing every emotion that crossed her face. She breathed in a vast amount of air and avoided his eyes.

"Meredith?" he asked in a numb voice, feeling a frosty cold shiver making it's way his spine as his heart beat painfully harder in his chest. They sat there for what felt like ages before Meredith finally looked up and met his eyes.

"Yes," she whispered. Her voice grew in volume as she continued, "But Derek, that's not the point…"

"But that's exactly the point!" Derek mouthed. "That you were right there, all that time…"

Meredith swallowed something in her throat and looked at him.

"Derek… I…" Her eyes began to fill with tears but Derek's head was spinning; his brain working fast, so that he couldn't stop to notice that she was crying.

This meant… this meant…

"We searched for you," he gasped, out of breath, like having been kicked in the gut. "All possible places."

"Der…"

"We took flights to all the places you might be."

Meredith looked up at him with genuine surprise; it completely overshadowed the frustration with the direction this conversation was heading in.

"You did that?" Her voice trembled slightly. "I had no idea…"

"Of course we did," he absentmindedly said, still thinking hard ahead, trying to fit the puzzle pieces.

Meredith was watching him; for a moment, she considered leaving him lost in his thoughts but decided against it.

This was so not going as she had planned.

Even with all the different ways she had been playing it out in her mind, she had never expected this!

"What I can't believe is," he paused and looked her in the eyes, suddenly present again. "Is why we didn't find you. I'm almost sure someone went there to look."

Meredith tried; she really did. With all of her might, she attempted to look indifferent, to not flinch or freeze or cringe in anyway.

But he knew her way too well.

As he stared at her, realization hit him like a slap in the face. He paled, all blood leaving his face in a matter of seconds.

"Someone did find you," he mouthed, breaking on every other syllable. "Didn't they?"

Where was the point in denying it? He knew her better than she had ever known herself. 7 years apart had done nothing to the way he could read her. Like an open book.

"Yes," she whispered.

If there had been any life left in his dull blue eyes, it was now gone.

"Meredith," he said and she flinched under his voice. It was so calm, so icily cold, hard and bared of emotion that it made her physically sick to her stomach. Seeing him like this… felt so wrong.

"Yes?" she repeated, buying herself time to prepare herself for what was coming. When it did, he spoke quietly, slowly taking his time to clearly enunciate every single letter.

"Who found you?"

As she watched him watching her, so desperately hanging on to what she was going to say, she wished it had been someone else, anyone else, that had kept this from him. She took yet another deep breath and looked into his eyes, urging her to say something, anything.

"Addison," she finally whispered, half closing her eyes in fright of his response. "Addison found me."

She could almost hear his jaw lock, his teeth clench, his eyes suddenly livid with poorly concealed anger, pure, untamed rage; fury that seemed to fill his entire body. Meredith hurried to continue.

"But she promised me she wouldn't say anything, she SWORE, Derek, that she wouldn't tell you!"

Suddenly he was standing up on his feet, staring directly at her without really seeing her. Meredith felt terror well up in her.

"Derek-"

He abruptly spun around, leaving her without another word.

"DEREK!" she called after him, half of the bar turning to look curiously at her. But not him.

No he continued as if he hadn't heard her, the door bell ringing as he opened the door and disappeared out in the dark mist.

Leaving no trace behind of the conversation that felt life-altering but in reality had only lasted few minutes. Meredith's eyes were frozen at the point where he'd last been visible.

Silence.


	42. Chapter 41: This Is It?

**Hey! Sooo sorry it's been so long but I couldn't write an Author's Note without making you think I updated and I didn't want to do that…**

**A week ago, I moved from Denmark to America to be an exchange student for a year. After getting used to time differences and overcoming a slight amount of homesickness, I've been getting to know my host family and neighbours and getting enrolled in school and just having fun **

**It might be a little while again… if you want the long story, go to Surgical Language if you know that page, if you want the short, I'm travelling on a New England tour…**

**xxxxxxx**

**Chapter 41: This Is It?**

When Derek later in his life thought back to the following moments, it never stood clear in his memory; part of him always wondered how in the world he managed to swiftly walk out of The Emerald City Bar, get into his car and drive to the townhouse he and Addison shared, the home that never really was a home to him.

In his head, these moments afterwards seemed almost incomprehensible, clouded by the feeling of sheer and absolute nothingness, an unforgettable emotion that was so much more frightening than a hurricane of thoughts you would think would be going on inside him.

But he could not even perceive the sound of his own thoughts in his mind's deafening stillness; and that scared him more than anything.

What Derek later had absolutely no memory of was the detached, frozen gleam in his eye and soul, the steely, disconnected control with which he steered his vehicle across town.

As long as he focused on the road he wouldn't hear…

…

All those years…

When the car came to a halt outside the building, Derek did not pause to take a breath, did not stop or hesitate for a split second, did not waver or gather his thoughts. What thoughts were there to gather?

He simply got out, mechanically, and calmly locked the door behind him by slowly sticking the key into the door and turning; he could have done it by clicking the button but…

There was some kind of ritual, some kind of preparation in the act. Somehow, he wanted to do this right, in every single way possible. No short cuts, no easy solutions.

Derek walked the short distance from the car to the front door. Without pause he lightly pressed the door handle down. It was open and he wordlessly let himself in.

The white, empty house that smelled like expensive perfume and always seemed to have a strangling effect on him was quiet. The only sound to be heard was the one of the shower linked to the master bedroom. The water was immediately cut off in reaction to the front door smacking rather unintentionally loudly behind him.

"Derek!" he heard from upstairs and the voice was so extremely familiar and yet so astonishingly estranged at the same time.

"Derek is that you?"

He didn't answer.

Derek slowly took his coat off, carefully hanging it on the spot where he had seen Mark's not very long ago.

A distant part of him thought back to the confusion he felt in those moments… and wished for chaos and uncertainty to overpower his mind, for something to happen other than this unbearable clarity.

Derek carefully sat down on the wealthy, white leather ottoman beside the extremely posh, high-priced vase that he had never learned to love but had tolerated because his wife was so fond of it.

Now he was staring fixatedly at its smooth, black surface as he heard loud, hurried footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Who is it?" Addison Montgomery-Shepherd asked with slight fright in her voice as she looked around.

When she spotted her husband, staring emptily at her precious vase, she breathed a sigh of relief. Since her angry shouting not long ago, they hadn't really had any issues. Not any spoken out loud anyways.

"Oh it IS you! Derek, you had me scared for a minute there…"

She did not seem to notice that he hadn't moved an inch or in any way indicated that he heard her. A part of Derek's brain couldn't help but wonder if there had been signs like this one.

When your wife didn't even really see you, wasn't that a sign of a bad marriage?

Or that Addison Montgomery-Shepherd didn't care about anyone but herself?

"Amelia called, she really wanted to speak to you," Addison's voice became slightly irritated as she spoke of his sister.

"I said I could give you a message but she just told me no and to ask you to call her back or she would call again later."

She still wasn't noticing his frozen posture or his lack of response as she tightened her bathrobe around her.

"I think she and the sisters are planning on visiting soon, actually it surprises me that they haven't been here to see Meredith yet… Derek?"

When Derek had twitched at the sound of the name, Addison had finally noticed his cold demeanour.

"Derek?" she repeated and frowned when he did not immediately answer her direct address to him.

Derek was far away in his mind.

From the point that… he couldn't bring himself to think her name… had mouthed Addison's name, Derek had had no idea what he was going to say to her. He had however always known exactly what he intended to do with those words; and in the end, he decided to keep it simple.

When he finally spoke, the change in Addison's entire body language was stunning.

"You told me she was dead," he carefully mouthed, still staring intensely at the black vase.

A part of him enjoyed the effect only six small words had on his wife.

She paled until her flamingly red hair looked unwell and sickly colourful against her cold, white skin.

A long time, nobody said anything. Then…

"Derek…" she whispered in voice that would not have been loud enough for him to hear, had his mind, heart and soul not been so painfully quiet.

But he was not letting her say anything; nothing, nothing she ever said could make this less of a blow.

Derek carefully pronounced every singly letter with cold indifference that made Addison even more sick to look at.

"All this time you knew where she was," he was still staring at the vase, sensing how her breathing had become deathly still. "And you told me she was dead."

His voice broke on the last word.

Addison just looked at his frozen, fixated frame for a long time before she said anything. When she did, the words were not angry or loud; just gloomy.

"So this is it?"

At these words, Derek finally turned to look her in the eyes, eyes that were more tired than anything else.

There was no need to say what 'it' was. They both knew this was the end of them.

When he spoke, his words were oddly soft, distant.

"Yes," he mouthed, staring her directly in the eyes.

"This is it."

Addison measured his immeasurable expression and saw nothing but clarity there; no regret, no misery, no tiny gleam of sadness that the last seven years suddenly meant nothing.

"I'll be out in an hour," she whispered.

"No," Derek thoughtfully pondered as he rose from the ottoman and slowly walked over and put his coat on. "No. I'll leave."

"Really, you shouldn't…"

"This was never really my home," Derek admitted, repeating what he had thought to himself mere minutes ago. Admittedly, the flash of hurt that crossed Addison's face felt good; but he didn't want to torture her. He couldn't stand being near her a second more.

"I'll go now," he continued when his to-be ex-wife didn't say anything. She nodded slightly and he was halfway out the door when he came to a halt and thoughtfully turned around.

Pretending he didn't see the flash of hope glimpsing on Addison's features, Derek wordlessly walked over to the ottoman and picked up the vase. Thoughtfully, he examined it before holding it out from his body, closing his eyes as he let it fall to the floor.

The crash was loud enough to deafen the silence of his mind for a second. When he opened his eyes, the vase was a million pieces of glass at his feet.

For the last time that night, he looked at Addison. She was staring expressionlessly at the vase on the floor but met his eyes when she sensed them on her.

His next and last words cut through her shield, though her skin and bones and into her heart.

"Don't," he put extra pressure on that word. "Ever talk to me again. I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear you or smell you or sense you. I don't want you near me ever again."

With that he gave her a tiny expressionless smile and walked out the door.

4


	43. Chapter 42: I Tried

**Chapter 42: I tried**

"I heard she slept with someone else!"

"I heard HE slept with someone else!"

"Derek Shepherd? Nah, he's not the type to have an affair. Now the She-Shepherd on the other side…" the nurse, whose identity was unknown to Meredith, made a disgruntled noise that clearly spoke for her feelings about Addison.

"Are you kidding?" one of the other nurses whispered. "Debbie, have you seen how he looks at her?"

"Who, Grey?" the first nurse, Debbie, asked and Meredith felt her stomach do a somersault. Her head was pounding like crazy - and she was never really one to complain; a Meredith Grey hangover involved massive amounts of alcohol.

"Who else? I'm telling you, something's up between those two…"

"I heard they go way back," an entirely new nurse whispered. "Like, before he knew his wife."

"All the more proof," someone hissed. "They're old lovers!"

"Look," Debbie soothed, "All we know is that Shepherd's getting a divorce and…"

Meredith didn't hear the rest of her sentence; her insides suddenly felt cold.

She had broken up a marriage.

She was a home wrecker.

Not that it was a big surprise. By the last glimpse she had gotten into Derek's eyes, divorce had been the inevitable end to the night.

"_DEREK!" she yelled, but he didn't react as he smacked the door behind him. Meredith's eyes were frozen at the point where he had last been seen._

"_So," Joe mumbled as he perceptively placed three shots of tequila in front of her. "I take it that didn't go as you planned?"_

_Meredith didn't say anything. Not seeing anything with her teary eyes, she blindly grabbed the first shot and downed it in less than a split second._

"_Meredith?" Joe asked, worried frown lines appearing on his face. She ignored him._

"_Meredith, talk to me or I'll take those away from you…"_

_Joe tried to get a hold of the two remaining shots but Meredith was way too fast for him. She quickly and professionally got the liquid down and stood up, leaving a bill on the table._

"_It was nice to talk to you, Joe," she muttered and turned away from him. "See you later…"_

_With that she was out the door._

_Upon arriving home, Meredith had gone to bed with bottles and tissues, curling up in her favourite Dartmouth t-shirt._

_It seemed appropriate since Christina apparently had been right; she was back to her college self, the broken mess of a whore on tequila, she had sworn not to become ever again. _

No longer caring about staying hidden, Meredith all of a sudden appeared from her hiding spot, charting behind the nurse's station. The nurses, Debbie and three others whose names she did not yet know all gasped at the sudden sight of her.

She cleared her throat and looked at them briefly; the nurses were all staring downwards, their body language presenting an almost appropriate amount of shame. But she could sense their curiosity, their need to know her reaction to the gossip she had just heard; or did she know already?

For them, Meredith thought, it was just a game, pastime, a slight amusement during long working hours. But to her, it was real.

Meredith turned away from them, rolling her eyes as she walked away.

"How much do you think she heard?"

"Everything, probably, she was right there!" Debbie whispered.

"Maybe we should just ask her if it's true…"

Meredith cut them out of her head, not in the mood to care about whatever the hell people wanted to say about her. Let them.

Derek was divorcing Addison. Divorcing.

Divorce.

Split up.

Alone.

Free.

Single.

She shouldn't think like that.

Speaking of… as she dully strode down the hallways, automatically, like she had done so many times before, someone opened the door to an on-call room right in front of her, bumping into her quite hardly.

She knew it was him before looking; as if the scent, the special, sacred scent she had never found anything comparable to, wasn't enough – she could feel his blue eyes burning on her skin, soaking through it to the very core of her bones.

I was not fair, the things he could do to her just by looking at her.

Taking a moment to breathe, Meredith didn't meet his eyes immediately; after letting a deep mouthful of disinfected, hospital air fill her lungs, she slowly glanced upwards until she was looking directly into the blue ponds.

"Hey."

She spoke first and in an assessing tone, carefully measuring his mood. When he replied it was hesitant, tired, thousand years old.

"Hey."

"Can we talk?"

"Right now?" Derek looked around, obviously trying to find an escape.

"Yes," Meredith just said. Her voice wasn't firm, but the look she gave him was one of steel, one that you couldn't disagree with.

"I…" Derek looked unconvinced but caved. "Alright."

With no further words, Meredith slid in through the open door to the on-call room, Derek had just left, sensing him follow behind her.

None of the two bothered to turn the lights on; Meredith sat down on the squeaky bed and stared out into the dark. Derek was standing, not looking in her direction.

Meredith took a deep breath and closed her eyes, the coolness of her eyelids doing wonders for her pounding headache.

"I heard you are getting a divorce."

"Yes."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said, trying to express all her emotions in those two words.

Derek didn't say anything for a little while. Then…

"Who told you?"

"The nurses. They know everything."

"Figures," Derek snorted. Then he became quiet again, a quiet Meredith was seeing more and more of from him; she didn't like it.

"Derek," she pleaded, trying to catch his eyes in the dark. "Talk to me. Please."

For a long time, she heard nothing but his breaths that were getting heavier. When he spoke again, his voice was slightly broken.

"What do you want me to say?"

Meredith stood up and walked to where he was, facing the wall.

"I don't know. Whatever you feel like saying."

Derek didn't reply. Meredith was standing right behind him now, so close, she could easily touch him and wondered if he could feel her breath on the bottom of his neck.

"Derek, you need to open up about this…"

Meredith put her hand on his shoulder but her words hit a nerve; he roughly shrugged it off and turned to face her, his eyes staring into hers, his mouth so awfully close…

"Need to?" he asked, his voice lowering dangerously. "I don't need to do anything."

"Derek…"

"You know what? My whole life, people have been telling me what I need to do. You need to get over your father's death, Derek. You need to let people in," he laughed, a bitter, heart-breaking sound that sent several chills down Meredith's spine. "And where did that get me?"

"Derek…" Her voice was heavy, too stuffed to get the rest of her sentence out; not that she had any idea what the rest of her sentence would be…

"You need to get over Meredith, Derek. You need to accept the fact that she's dead." His voice broke on the last word as Meredith felt a lone tear slowly rolling down her cheek. "You have no idea what that was like."

"I…"

"Seven years," he whispered, almost inaudible if it wasn't for the deathly silence and her inner ear that desperately clung to his every word. "Not a word."

She didn't know what to say.

"You left," he mouthed, treacherously close to threatening. "And everyone thought you were dead. And everyone moved on with their lives. Everyone but me."

"Derek…"

"And you come back," he whispered, towering over her. "And you giggle and you introduce me to your friends and you take me to a bar. And you tell me to trust you. _Trust you._"

What was there to say?

"And I tried," Derek went on, not noticing or ignoring the tears in her eyes. "I wanted to trust you. I wanted to believe in you. But you don't give me anything."

Meredith tried to look away but couldn't; his eyes mesmerized her to the spot.

"You haven't even told me _why _you left."

"But Derek, I was going to…"

"It doesn't matter," he said dismissively. "Yesterday you slipped; and I discovered that the last seven years of my life has been a lie."

"But…"

"I've been here for over a month," he mouthed. "Plenty of time to tell me."

He finally broke the eye contact; but her relief was short as he walked towards the door.

"Derek, no!"

"I can't do this Meredith," he sighed.

"Derek!" she almost screamed, her voice anxiously rising as his continuously lowered.

"I can't trust you,"

"Derek, I love you!"

Derek froze with his hand on the door handle. He twitched as if he was going to turn around…

But then he opened the door and let the cold Seattle light stream into the little room. Derek speedily walked away without looking back.

5


	44. Chapter 43: I Don't Know

**Chapter 43: I Don't Know**

As soon as she shut the front door behind her, she could tell. Something was wrong.

Not that she hadn't suspected it; Christina Yang had had a bad feeling all day.

It wasn't pregnancy hormones; it wasn't the superstitious crap lots of surgeons believed in. It was a knot-in-the-stomach, uneasy sensation in her gutter, telling her that something was not right.

That it was about Meredith, Christina was fairly certain. If the fact that Meredith had made George cover for her and gone home early wasn't enough of a clue, one look at Derek Shepherd's face did the trick.

As Christina had done rounds with him in the early morning, he had seemed far away from his usual self; he wasn't unpleasant and his perfect bedside manner was intact. But the brightness, the innocence, the ability to hope that Christina, no matter how much she hated to admit it and would die before telling anyone, envied just a little bit – it was all gone.

But, of course, there was nothing surprising about that. That was to be expected with the divorce that had not exactly been out of the blue; the famous Seattle Grace gossip nurses had been unavoidably loud today, claiming they had known it all along, even if they had no clue about the cheating wife or the cheating best friend or the entire Meredith angle in that story.

No, it was only later that day, after Meredith had gone home, that Derek Shepherd had become straightforwardly unbearable to be around.

Nothing had been good enough for the legendary Dr. Shepherd this afternoon, Christina thought, inwardly laughing bitterly. Today had been a day of a very insulted patient, no less than four crying interns and an awfully pissed off Richard Webber.

And, being Meredith's best friend and person, Christina thoughtfully pondered, Derek had seemingly been lashing out on her all afternoon - she had probably been more exposed to Shepherd's dark side than any other person in the entire hospital.

Except maybe Meredith herself?

Christina shut the door behind her and listened to the quiet; that was a warning in itself.

Making her way into the kitchen, Christina stopped when she saw Alex Karev sitting at the dinner table, munching on some leftover pizza and reading a newspaper. He looked up at her when she cleared her throat.

"Hey," he neutrally muttered and refocused on the newspaper, evidently on the sports section.

"Hey," Christina carefully replied, measuring the air. "What's going on?"

Alex rolled his eyes without looking up.

"Hell if I know."

"What do you mean?"

"She won't say anything."

There was no need to say who 'she' was. Meredith was special in that way.

"Well where is she?" Christina asked, knowing that she would get more out of Alex by being as patient as she possibly could.

"Upstairs," Alex just told her in between bites of pizza, "They're all upstairs."

Christina went for the stairs. Not unexpected, she found herself looking at the asses of Lexie and George, who were both kneeling in front of the door to the master bedroom, trying to look underneath it.

"Meredith," George tried, evidently in his tired voice, not for the first time. "Will you come out? Unlock the door?"

There was no answer.

"Mer," Lexie now attempted, her voice softer and with the same concern that filled George's. "Talk to us. Please."

When there was still no reply, both George and Lexie sighed and leaned back against the wall in simultaneous exasperation. Christina cleared her throat.

"Meredith!" she yelled, making the other two jump at the sight and sound of her. "You have three options. Either you get your skinny ass out here or you let me in there with you or I'm going to kick the door in. It's your choice."

"Christina!" Lexie whispered, insulted on Meredith's behalf.

"What?"

Lexie just shook her head in repulsion.

Still, no sounds were coming from the bedroom.

"I'm serious," Christina shouted. "Considering my condition, you shouldn't make me kick a door in!"

No response, nothing; other than her peers, who were staring at her, probably wondering what she meant by 'her condition.' She ignored them.

"I'm counting down now. 3… 2…"

The door unlocked and opened the tiniest bit.

"Mer," George and Lexie said in unison, but Meredith cut them off in a hoarse voice.

"Christina," she peeped through the door. "I only want Christina."

Ignoring the hurt looks on her colleague's faces, Christina swiftly passed them and let herself into the master bedroom, relocking the door behind her.

"You weren't going to kick the door in," Meredith's voice behind her said.

"I so was," she replied.

"Whatever," Meredith replied, trying her best to sound like her usual self; failing so miserably that even someone who did not know her like her person did would see straight through her.

Christina turned around to look at Meredith and stifled a sigh.

I warned her, she tried to tell herself, as she took in the sight of the messy room. I told her it would be pre med all over again…

And it really was a flashback, seeing Meredith Grey like this, holey Dartmouth t-shirt, unwashed, greasy hair, swollen, empty far-away eyes and the bed sheet firmly folded over her rapidly heaving chest.

Christina folded her arms over her chest, falling right back into her old self.

"You look like crap," she stated.

Meredith smiled palely; these words used to be her person's favourite opening line. Hearing them again actually felt like seeing an old friend.

"YOU look like crap," she ritually replied.

"Impossible. And even if so, morning sickness does that to you," Christina sighed and sat down beside her best friend on the bed.

"I thought you weren't having the baby?"

"I'm not. I'm scheduled in two weeks." Christina made a not-so-subtle change of subject. "What did he do now?"

"What do you mean?" Meredith innocently asked, procrastinating the inevitable.

"Come on Mer," Christina just snorted, her patience running short; at the same time, she knew that Meredith was more likely to spill if she got to do it her own way. "Seriously, what did he do?"

"Who, Derek?" Christina just looked at her, making Meredith continue after a slight struggle to get the name out. "Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing," Christina pointedly let her eyes glance over Meredith's messy attire.

The latter rolled her eyes.

"I mean it. He didn't do anything."

"Okay," Christina fished, slowly finding the words. "Then what did you do?"

"What makes you think I did anything?"

"Seriously Meredith. Don't insult my intelligence."

"I'm not. I'm fine." The moment the words were out, Meredith realized that it was the worst thing she could have said. Christina immediately raised her eyebrows in triumph, knowing she had won.

"Don't insult my ability to see either," she snorted, staring at Meredith. "Look at you."

"Gee thanks!" Meredith simply answered, fidgeting with her shirtsleeve, stained and faded.

"Meredith-Grey." Christina's patience was running low and her person could tell. "What-did-you-do?"

"I…" Meredith hesitated and looked up at Christina's sceptically raised eyebrows. "ImighthavetoldhimthatIlovehim…"

Christina froze and closed her eyes for a long second. When she opened them, Meredith hadn't moved an inch.

Christina abruptly stood up and left the room, swiftly walking downstairs to where the house's other three residents were drinking coffee.

"You three," she said, making all three of them look up at her. "Get out."

"Excuse me?"

"Get out," she simply repeated.

"You can't throw us out," George, taken aback, protested. "We live here."

"Boo-fucking-hoo," Christina answered in a sing-song voice, her thoughts entirely elsewhere.

"Christina!" Lexie scolded.

"I'm not even involved in this," Alex added.

"Look, I don't have time for this. Just get out, all three of you."

"But-"

"Now!"

For a long second, no sound was to be heard. Christina looked at them, channelling her inner Bailey as she did so. It apparently worked.

First George silently got up and moved out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, the front door smacked.

Lexie was staring Christina dead in the eye, not seeming to have moved a single inch. The latter sighed and considered an attack from a different angle.

"Lexie," Christina said in a slightly warmer voice. "For Meredith. Get out of here."

Like that, she thought to herself, slightly proud after deciding against adding a 'please'. She was already balancing on the edge of begging.

And Meredith's sister, who looked so much like her, finally seemed to soften a little bit; she hesitantly stood up and was gone.

Christina smirked and turned to Alex; he was staring back at her, unimpressed.

"I'm not moving," he simply told her.

Christina put on a smile.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Alex asked, slightly taken aback.

"Okay."

"I can stay where I am?"

"Yes," Christina smiled even bigger. "Let me just tell you what's going to happen. Mer's going to come down here. We'll eat the rest of Lexie's strawberry ice cream and she'll cry some more and talk about her feelings for hours while I listen patiently. You can help wipe off her snot."

Alex just looked evenly at her for a long moment; then he got up from his chair, took a beer from the fridge and abandoned the house, too.

"Yeah, didn't think so" Christina smiled peacefully, taking a big bite of the pizza Alex had left behind. "You're getting easy, Karev…"

"That was quite a show," a voice from the stairs commented.

Christina looked around and up at Meredith who had a sheet tangled around her body.

"I try," Christina smirked. She watched as her best friend sat down beside her, ripping off a piece of pizza with her frail hands, stuffing it into her mouth.

"Soo…"

"So?" Meredith asked at Christina's pointed tone.

"You told Derek you love him."

"Yup."

"Do you think he got it?"

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked.

"That you don't just love him, like friend-love, that you're IN love with him?"

"Shit," Meredith groaned, letting her head fall to the table. "I didn't even think of that."

"Well how did he react?"

There was a long, hesitant pause; Christina was beginning to wonder if she would get an answer when it came.

"He… He left."

The tone was even, almost normal even. Only the slight shake and darkness of Meredith's voice gave her away.

Christina looked at her person, really looked and saw the pain there.

"What can I do for you?" she asked in a glum, quiet voice.

"Christina," Meredith said, pleading, almost desperate. "I'm gonna go crazy. Tell me what to do."

"I…" Christina hesitated for the longest time, wishing she could make it all better.

"I don't know."

6


	45. Chapter 44: Go Away

**Chapter 44: Go Away.**

"I want to go home."

"I don't."

"Seriously Christina," Meredith sighed and looked at her friend who was pushing the door open. "I'm not in the mood."

"Too bad."

"WHY are we doing this?" Meredith asked as she followed Christina into the bar. "You're nauseous. You're not drinking anything anyways."

"I know," Christina sighed with a dark shade in her eyes. "But you can. And you're going to."

"Am not," she argued, nervously fiddling with her hair as they sat at the bar. "I feel like shit."

"You look like shit."

Meredith rolled her eyes but knew it was true. Her hair was unwashed, her skin flushed and her clothes ruffled and stained. Which was exactly why she shouldn't be doing this.

"Hey," Christina said motioning for Joe to come over. "We look good even when we look like shit."

Meredith's mouth corners turned upwards at the strange compliment; practically praise coming from Christina.

"Chris, Mer," Joe greeted them in a lifeless voice as he wiped his brow with his shirtsleeve. "What can I get you two?"

"You okay, Joe?" Meredith asked, slightly concerned to see his complexion look so unhealthy.

"Just a busy evening," he shrugged and smiled gently as he rubbed his temple with a slightly trembling index finger. "No need to go all doctor on my ass… It's not like you look all bright and shiny yourself."

"Which is why we're here," Christina explained before Meredith could do more than roll her eyes.

"Figures. What can I get you?" Joe asked again. "Still on the water wagon, Mer?"

"No," Meredith shook her head and looked at Christina. "But she is."

"It's true," Christina told the disbelieving bartender in a tragic voice. "I'll have a ginger beer. And she'll have a bottle of tequila."

"Christina!" Meredith protested as a tiny glass and a big bottle was put in front of her. "I have a marathon shift in 7 hours."

"Do it for me," Christina snapped and poured tequila and ginger beer.

Meredith just stared at the glass.

"Chris…"

"Look; it's easy. You seriously need to drink. I seriously need you to drink. Do it."

Meredith stared at her friend; and behind the annoyed frown and the tightly pinched mouth, she saw a pair of truly concerned eyes.

Christina was trying to help her, the only way she knew how.

"Fine," Meredith sighed and lifted her glass. "Just one."

Both women lifted their glasses in a casual toast.

"So," Meredith said after relishing for a couple of seconds in the soothing, numbing liquid tickling down her throat. She needed distraction. "Morning sickness."

"You have no idea!" Christina moaned, instantly catching on to Meredith's need to think of something else. "Of the two of us, I bet my life sucks the most."

Meredith just smiled bitterly and rolled her eyes.

Trust Christina to make a competition out of their misery.

"I mean," she went on, "All of a sudden, I can't stand the smell of blood. Blood, Meredith! I'm a surgeon. It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing," Meredith savoured the careless, anaesthetized feeling that went with the alcohol, a feeling she needed right now.

"So," Christina aggressively and with pride in her tone announced. "I win."

"You win," Meredith softly agreed.

Then all of a sudden was a loud crash directly behind the counter in front of them.

The bar turned oddly quiet as everyone turned to see what was going on.

In a pile of broken glass lay Joe, bleeding from glass cuts and trembling uncontrollably.

"Okay, maybe Joe wins," Christina blankly said to no one in particular.

Nobody reacted for a full second of clarity. Then, suddenly, everything sped up; for Meredith it seemed to go by in a blur.

Janice, the young bartender started screaming as people started to gather around the bar counter.

"Help! We need a doctor over here!"

Christina and Meredith's natural instincts kicked in; they got up and climbed their way over the counter.

"He's seizing!" Meredith said in a voice that sounded a lot calmer than she felt.

"Janice, call 911," Christina sharply ordered and kneeled beside Meredith, who was trying to roll him over. Together, they managed to get him on his side; Christina quickly stood up again after taking in a large cut on Joe's forehead.

"Blood…" she muttered, barely audible. "Damn."

"You okay?" Meredith asked.

"I'm okay." Christina stubbornly muttered as her jaw locked. "Pupillary response?"

"I can't see anything down here!"

Christina saw a flashing light outside the bar. "The ambulance's here."

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Meredith and Christina both drove with Joe to the hospital; Christina had her brave face on and her natural charm prevented anyone but Meredith to get close enough to see that her best friend indeed wasn't feeling very well.

"You need to lay down."

"No, I need to keep going," Christina snapped. Her always porcelain complexion was almost see-through in the cold ambulance light.

"Are you going to throw up?"

"No," Christina answered in an angry tone that didn't convince Meredith one bit.

"Christina, it's me; why can't you just admit that you're unable to take a patient right now?"

"I just…" Christina paused and looked at Meredith with an odd, unreadable expression. Still, she didn't move.

"Come on! You can let me handle this one patient without falling behind…"

"It's not about me, it's about you!" Christina snapped as the ambulance came to a halt in front of the hospital.

"What about me?"

Christina was about to answer when the ambulance doors opened and an all too familiar voice, though tired and sulky, spoke into the night.

"What have we got here?"

Meredith instantly froze, unable to move a single muscle in her body. She met Christina's worried eyes and knew why her person wanted to spare her from this one.

Why, oh why, did HE have to be the on-call attending?"

"What have we got here?" Derek Shepherd asked again, only this time slightly more urgent and annoyed than the first. Meredith took a deep breath and turned around to face him.

For a split second, the only thing Meredith could decipher in his face was blind worry; then, upon seeing that she indeed was not the injured, his eyes turned the darkest, dullest shade of blue she could imagine.

Just seeing him like this made the suppressed misery she had carried in her stomach-knot all day rise to the surface.

He quickly looked away and didn't meet her eyes; it was his harsh voice that brought her back to reality.

"What have we got here?"

Meredith cleared her throat; she hadn't realized how dry it was until she tried speaking up.

"Um…"

"Yang?" Derek asked, shifting his stony gaze to the woman beside Meredith; apparently hell-bent on not looking at her.

But Christina was clutching her mouth and stomach, her face a light, unpleasant shade of green that didn't look healthy in any way.

"Derek," Meredith calmly stated and he stiffened; but he didn't look at her.

"Derek, it's Joe."

Derek looked at the motionless man on the gurney; Meredith swore she caught a glimpse of concern in his eyes – if so, it was gone as sudden as it came.

"Dr. Grey," he addressed her, still without looking at her, in an icy voice that sent shivers down her spine, making her flinch. "What is wrong with this man?"

"He…" She hesitated. "He had a seizure. On the bar floor."

The look on his face, still not looking directly at her, made her feel tiny and insignificant.

"Has he been conscious since?"

"No. But he's stabile."

"Okay," he sighed. "Let's get him in."

Christina moved forward, still clutching her stomach, sporting a slightly repulsive facial shade.

"I'll take this one," she whispered to Meredith. Unfortunately, this was the moment her stomach decided to empty its content out on the ambulance floor.

"Dr. Yang," Derek snorted, "Go lie down before you throw up on the patient."

Christina sent Derek a deadly glare and Meredith a sympathetic expression, which she tried her best to return with a calm smile, before she left the ambulance.

Derek and Meredith rolled Joe out of the ambulance and into the hospital in awkward, unbroken silence.

Only when they reached the elevator and were alone – if you didn't count the sleeping man on the gurney -, Meredith dared to really look at him. And that's when it happened; when he finally really looked back at her.

She saw so much in his eyes; was it pure imagination or was his eyes devouring hers like her eyes were his, like they could not get enough?

He looked like he could no longer stop himself from letting himself get lost in her eyes, from allowing her to see into his eyes and soul.

She saw everything. She saw behind the cool façade he had been putting up around her and it was like a breath of sweet, pure relief; like she had been holding her breath without realizing it and could now finally fill her lungs with air.

They stood there for hours; or mere seconds, or years for all Meredith knew.

And then the elevator came to a halt, the doors opened and the moment was gone as sudden as it had appeared; had it been there at all? To Meredith it felt unreal, dreamlike.

He was still staring into her eyes; but the warmth was gone, replaced by sadness, broken, exhausted sadness that made her want to cry.

People were waiting for them to get out of the elevator so they could get in; Meredith was aware of this in a corner of her mind that really couldn't care less.

When she finally found her voice, he found his, too.

"I…"

"Go." He merely said, in a hoarse whisper that sent chills down her spine; not necessarily all bad ones.

"Derek?"

"Please just… go."

"But…" Meredith whispered back, still looking him straight in the eye. "Joe…"

"I'll take care of it." Derek's voice was getting rougher by the second; like he was going to cry.

"Derek…"

"Go."

"We need to talk…"

"Meredith," Derek said, loudly and almost aggressively, making people look curiously in their direction. "Go away."

"I…" Meredith felt her eyes water and briefly wondered how many more tears she would have to cry over Derek Shepherd.

"Go away!" he shouted.

Conversation in hearing distance from them abruptly died out.

Meredith was still not looking away from his eyes; but they were dark and blurry, immeasurable.

That's when she turned around and walked away.

6


	46. Chapter 45: F

**Chapter 45: Fuck.**

It was a new feeling; and it was messing with his head.

He didn't know exactly what it was – the unsettling sensitivity, the restlessness. But he knew that he didn't like it.

A surgeon is not supposed to be unfocused. A surgeon uses logic and reason and sense and thinks in straight lines. The person you go to, the person you trust to fix you.

But right then and there, hovering over Joe's anesthesia-pumped body, Derek Shepherd could not but wonder if he was the right man to fix other people, when his own life was such a mess…

Of course, the fact that two well-known chocolate-colored eyes were gazing at him from the O.R. gallery didn't help one bit. Derek felt like he was being shadowed, breathed down the neck, his every little moved carefully observed, scrutinized and analyzed.

That part, he could ignore. He was used to being under judgment; after all, he was young, very young for a head of neurosurgery. He still had to prove himself on a regular basis.

No, it was what he knew was going to happen the minute he stepped out of the scrub room.

Derek finished his surgery; and even though it went perfectly, completely routine, he didn't get the kick, surgery usually gave him. He was ashamed for not being there for Joe, at least not with heart and soul; he felt like a traitor, unqualified, a failure.

As he threw his gloves in the trashcan and started scrubbing out in silence, completely oblivious to the ones around him, Derek knew that this was the first surgery he'd ever done this way; unfocused, distracted, passionless and empty.

Just as he expected, Mark was over him the second he closed the door and stepped out of the scrubbing area.

"We need to talk," Mark muttered and took him by the arm, basically dragging Derek with him in fast, long strikes.

Derek didn't say anything; he wasn't really there – but was he ever really there these days? He just felt himself being surrounded by clear, grey sky, sitting on a bench.

THAT bench, the bench on the rooftop, where he finally found his Meredith.

His Meredith? Not anymore. No, she was gone. And because of him.

"Derek!" Mark hissed in a whispering voice. Derek looked up and discovered that the man was staring impatiently at him.

"Hmm?"

"What the hell were you doing?" Mark shouted as quietly as he possibly could. He looked really upset, just about to blow up.

Derek looked up at him and had to swallow a lump in his throat.

"I don't have to answer to you," he finally murmured, unconvincingly. "You slept with my wife."

"Don't even," Mark paused and had to swallow his anger, "Don't even try to pull that one on me right now."

Derek just stared at him, trying to measure him. Unsuccessfully. When he didn't say anything, Mark continued.

"You're right. You don't have to answer to me. You owe me nothing. But you owe Meredith." He looked at Derek, who flinched under the name. "Meredith? Does the name bother you? It does, doesn't it?"

"Mark," Derek growled, quietly.

"At least that shows you're still alive." Mark was still carefully scrutinizing him. "Meredith. Meredith."

"Mature," Derek rolled his eyes.

"You can't speak that way to her."

"I…"

Mark was looking more sad than actually mad.

"Not only is it hurtful and completely not fair, it's unprofessional. The entire hospital heard."

"Great…" Derek just muttered. It was Mark's turn to roll his eyes.

"What the hell did she do to you?"

"I…" Derek paused and as he did, he saw her eyes, Meredith's eyes in the back of his head, red and filled with tears. "She told me she loved me."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Just before?"

"No. Yesterday."

If it had been a different time, a different situation, Derek would have laughed at Mark's rapid change of expressions. For a few seconds, it was completely blank, then purely, thoroughly shocked – and then his eyes went black and furious.

For a moment, he didn't say anything. When it came, it was more quiet and collected than Derek would have thought.

"You ass."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Ass." Mark's black eyes were consuming him, eating him. "What did you say?"

"I..." Derek swallowed. "I left."

"You left?" Mark looked at him, exasperated. "But it's so obvious that you love her too!"

"Mark..."

"And not even in a cute bright and shiny, easy way like you loved Addison. Man, you really truly fucking love her. It's in the way you look at her, the way she can change your whole day in a heartbeat. It's simple as that."

"But it's not!" Derek shouted, feeling his anger spark. "It's not simple. It's complicated."

"Explain it to me," Mark muttered.

"She told me she loved me!" Derek growled. "I can't deal with that. Not right now! I just left my wife... I can't think, I need to think. I need time."

Mark just continued to stare at him - when he didn't say anything, Derek sat down on the bed, defeated.

"Fuck."

"You've got something right there."

"What am I supposed to tell her Mark?"

Mark sat down on the bed beside him, carefully pondering his words.

"Maybe you need to tell her what you just told me."

Meredith was hiding. Something she seemed to be doing a lot these days.

A part of her wanted to be an adult, a powerful, educated, skilled surgeon that didn't hide from her coworkers. But the majority of her mind was satisfied with curling into a ball with a stack of charts.

When Meredith's phone went off, she hesitated to look at the message. In the end she did. And what she saw made her stomach curl.

_I'm sorry. I need time._

_Derek._


	47. Chapter 46: Babies

**Chapter 46: Babies.**

"You're pathetic."

"So are you."

"Okay," Meredith allowed and bit her lower lip. "We're both pathetic."

George laughed.

"At least you didn't loose your sense of reality."

She looked at him, his expectant eyes, and the worry so easily seen behind the joking façade. He wanted to make her laugh, and so she forced a tiny, unconvincing smile at him.

George sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I shouldn't have said anything."

"Don't worry."

"It's just… you've been so sad lately…"

"No, really. It's fine."

George rolled his eyes, but there was a teasing gleam in his puppy-eyes.

"Uh-huh."

"Oh come on," Meredith said, exasperated.

"It's too late to take it back," he mocked her, "you used the f-word."

Meredith pondered that for a second and then looked up at him.

"Okay, you know what? It's not fine. I'm not fine. It's been two weeks, TWO frigging weeks and he hasn't made a sound. He plans his schedule around me. I have gossiping nurses literally stalking me around the hospital. Two weeks. And I'm standing here, looking at newborn babies like some soft, mushy, creepy person. Pathetic."

"Wow," George muttered, keeping his eyes on the babies. "So it's true then?"

"What?"

"It _is _because of him."

Meredith sighed. He might as well know for sure what the rest of the hospital was thinking.

"I told him."

"What?" George just looked at her with a slightly puzzled expression.

"I _told _him."

"Told him what exactly?"

"That I love him."

"That you love him," George merely repeated with a blank face.

"Exactly."

For the longest time he didn't say anything. Meredith forced her eyes on the babies in front of her. Then-

"That bastard." His voice was low and filled with the rage of a kitten thinking himself a tiger. "Do you want me to stab him with a scalpel? I could make it look like an accident."

Meredith actually smiled at the image – it felt almost weird to use her facial muscles like that.

"So," George followed, "What did he say?"

"Nothing, at first. Then he said he needed time."

"When was this?"

"Two weeks ago. George, how much time am I supposed to give him? I mean, when do I just… let him go?"

George studied her face for a few moments, trying to read her expressions. He doubtfully opened his mouth to talk, visibly weighing his words.

"I…"

His pager went off. With a sigh and a quick look at the flashing screen, he turned to face her with his full body.

"I have to go. Bailey's been busting my ass around all day." He stepped closer, lowering his voice and staring intently at her. "Meredith. Most men would feel lucky to have your love. Most men would be grateful. Just…"

George trailed off, and held the eye contact for another moment. Then, after looking down and clearing his throat, he gave her a brief smile as he walked away.

Meredith sighed and turned her full attention to the tiny little creatures on the other side of that glass wall in front of her.

A part of her didn't care that she was at work and that nurses, doctors and patients constantly passed by her in the crowded hallway.

That part merely wanted to collapse to the floor and not get up again.

The majority of Meredith's self, though, was searching the very far corners of her insides for whatever pieces of dignity she had left. And what she found made her take a deep breath and stay upright.

_I need time._

That was what he had said – or, in reality, not said. Texted.

Texted.

After the initial inner emotional hurricane - grief, hope, embarrassment, and confusion – had calmed down, she had begun to feel other things. Less helpless thoughts occurred to her. Angry thoughts.

He texted her. Three words, three shallow, undefined, meaningless words that could be interpreted in too many ways.

_I need time._

_I _need time.

I _need _time.

I need _time._

What was that supposed to mean?

Time for what? How long? How much time should she give him?

And what did that mean? Was it an easy way out? Was he hoping she would forget if he didn't say anything?

Meredith sighed and took a quick look around before putting her forehead on the cold glass façade.

She was giving him time. Not that she wanted to. Not that she had any choice.

Meredith pulled out her pager and looked at it, trying to will it into beeping. A trauma. A surgery. A consult. Distraction.

She didn't know whose idea it had been to put her on Addison Montgomery's service all week; certainly not the redhead herself, as she could barely look at Meredith and not in a million years say more than a 'good day, Dr. Grey' now and then.

Maybe it was Bailey, Meredith thought. She HAD been falling behind in the baby department lately, having spent more time in neurology as Dr. Webber had ordered - though Dr. Nelson (or shadow-Shepherd as the nurses had nicknamed him after the handsome young neuro god from New York had bumped him to second place) was no brilliant teacher, or surgeon for that matter. He had no passion, no charisma in the OR. To him, this was just a job.

Right now, though, Addison hadn't been around for over an hour. Meredith had already checked the OR board and knew she wasn't in surgery. She had briefly considered asking one of the nurses; but that would mean she would have to actually speak to a nurse, which would only fuel the gossip about her.

Meredith shrugged and focused on the babies again, willing herself to notice every single little detail about them, a strawberry birthmark, blue-tinted eye lobes, a slight spasm of a toe, a patch of thin, blonde hair. That would distract her for a while.

Could she have babies someday? Maybe. Maybe if she hadn't screwed everything up for herself. Truth be told, there was only one person she could see herself having babies with.

And he needed time.

Meredith sighed, frustrated that every train of thought she could come up with lead back to the same dark, disturbing place in her mind.

Before she could to anything about it, Meredith felt a light tap on her shoulder. As she started to turn around, she heard it.

One word, one single, insignificant word spilled over a pair of all too familiar lips. A word that made her blood freeze in their veins.

"Meri."


	48. Chapter 47: What The Heck?

**Chapter 47: What The Hell?**

_One word, one single, insignificant word spilled over a pair of all too familiar lips. A word that made her blood freeze in their veins._

"_Meri."_

Before she had completed her turn, she knew what she was going to see; and still, the sight of him left her in complete and utter shock.

His hair was still the beautiful reddishly tinted blonde that, combined with the tan skin, made his exterior look altogether fit and healthy. His eyes were the warm, deep brown she remembered.

Even the suit seemed familiar, the simple, tasteful cut, the expensive material, the snug fit - all things that seemed impossibly familiar.

Even so, he had changed in ways she had a hard time describing. There were slight wrinkles around his eyes, frown lines by the mouth; the biggest change was probably the way he held himself – his posture was bad, sinking and making him look smaller than she remembered.

Lucas Forbes-Montgomery had not changed much in the more than 7 years it had been since the last time she had seen him; and yet, he seemed so different. His entire demeanour, his character, that had previously been so self-confident, so assured, was scared. Wary.

He was looking her into the eyes, almost… scared? Worried?

Meredith couldn't breathe. Dark little spots were covering her vision but that only seemed to make all her other sensed stronger. She could feel it. Feel him, his clammy warm hands.

Hands on her body.

The taste in her mouth, a taste of salt from her tears and beer, warm, disgusting beer in his hot breath. Meredith could taste the pain.

His moan. His voice as he whispered 'Meri'. His hand moving down to the waistband of her panties.

A hand on her breast over her shirt. The moisture of his sweaty palm leaving a stain.

The emptiness. The heartbreak. The filthiness that no shower could cure.

She felt so dirty. For years and years, she couldn't shake the feeling of being _dirty _off.

And now, looking into his wary brown eyes, she was right back there in her memories.

"You…" she said, but the rest was stuck in her throat; it was too dry, too hard.

Too much.

Without another word, she turned around and walked away. It wasn't long before she started running.

Reading through a file in the massive pile he had collected in front of him, Derek sighed and rubbed his temples.

This was killing him.

Mark was standing to his immediate right, reading charts of his own. A couple of nurses were trying to chat him up but he didn't respond – out of decency, Derek assumed. Mark had been especially non-flirty, bordering celibacy, around Derek lately.

They weren't exactly speaking to each other; but Derek didn't mind having him stand beside him.

"Can you hand me Alisha Bennett's chart please?" a very familiar voice asked. Derek didn't turn but could smell her perfume as she reached to take the chart from the nurse, a nurse who was currently observing his face very intrigued. As if she expected him to make a scene in the middle of the hallway.

"Addison," Derek muttered under his breath. She stiffened; clearly having not noticed him standing so close to her. "Going anywhere?"

"What," Addison smoothed her dress with shaky fingers and clicked her heels together. "No, I was just eating lunch with Lucas. He's in town."

"Fascinating," Derek mumbled. Addison's eyes widened.

"Well you asked…" she paused when she realized he wasn't paying attention and started over. "Derek this has to stop."

"What?" he asked innocently. He felt Mark's eyes on him but did not care to look back.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Look, I said I was sorry-"

"You're sorry?" Derek asked, lowering his voice as his words became heated, still staring blankly into his chart. "Oh my bad. The fact that you're _sorry _makes everything okay. How could I possibly be mad when you're _sorry_?"

"Derek," Addison sighed and bowed her head. "This is exactly what I am talking about."

Derek didn't reply.

"What I did was wrong. I know that. It's just, I loved you so much. I really did. I do."

There was no words said for a while.

"Then why on earth," Derek whispered when she was almost certain the conversation was over, "Could you hurt me so much?"

"Because," she whispered back, only letting him hear, "I didn't want to loose you. It was selfish and wrong and terrible of me; but Derek, you're the kind of man a woman wants to hold on to. The kind of person, she would do anything to keep."

Derek finally lifted his head and looked at her; he hadn't looked at her in a while and the change was striking.

Gone was the radiating confidence. Gone was the attitude that she owned the world.

In her face was only tiredness, defeat and fatigue. She was done.

"I…" he couldn't finish the sentence. Before he had time to gather his thoughts, _she _caught his eye like she always did whenever in his line of vision.

Meredith was running down the hallway, her blonde locks dancing after her like a shadow of beautiful tresses.

Derek felt his stomach tighten, a feel he had grown quite used to these days. Only, right now, it was way worse.

It was not only that he missed her like crazy. It was not only that she was as heartbreakingly dazzling as ever. It was not only her movements, driving him insane.

It was the look in her face, the look of utter terror that send twists of pain through his system.

Derek, Mark, Addison and most people on the floor watched as she sprinted right by them and through the door.

"What… the hell?" Mark muttered.

"Look," Addison pointed her head towards the hallway Meredith had come from.

Both Mark and Derek turned their heads and saw the familiar face of Lucas Forbes-Montgomery, panting and looking equally as panic-stricken as Meredith.

When he saw them as the nurse's station, staring at him, he quickly moved towards them.

As his eyes met theirs, the uneasy lump in Derek's stomach did a somersault and made his entire body heavy with worry.

This couldn't be good.

"Derek," Lucas said, his voice hoarse and edged with worry, as he spoke directly to his former brother-in-law, ignoring Mark and Addison completely. "I might have done something really stupid."

3


	49. Chapter 48: I Can't

**Hey guys! Sorry for the long hiatus – I didn't want to write an AN and get your hopes up :/ But I can tell you that I will definitely update on a much more regular basis – if not everyday then at least once or twice a week **

**Thank you so much for the ongoing support I've been getting on this fic; as this story have grown into so much more than I imagined, I as well have grown a lot. I put myself out there and got some feedback that has really helped me and given me a great deal of self-confidence.**

**I won't put you off much longer; I just want to say that we're getting close to (somewhat) happier times in this fic. Although we're not nearly close to being done. Nuh-uh. Just, hang in there, will you? **

**Anne.**

**Chapter 48: I Can't**

"You did _what?_" Derek shouted.

"I…" Lucas stuttered. "I'm so…"

For a long moment, Derek was too stunned to speak. This was impossible.

This was not happening.

It couldn't be. No. No, no, no, no.

When no one said anything for the longest moment, Addison spoke up in a cool, clear voice.

"How did this happen?"

"I…" Lucas took a deep breath, his hands trembling as he let them slide through his hair. "It was the night she… she left. She came to the g-guest house."

"Then what?" Mark whispered in a low yet perfectly clear voice.

"I was drunk. She was upset and then she kissed me…"

Derek closed his eyes, trying to shut the words out. He did not want to hear them…

"She…" Lucas struggled to get his words out. "She said my name… and I thought that meant she liked it so I kept going…"

Mark groaned loudly and put his hand over his face, letting his finger slide down until he was resting his head in his palms.

"And?" Addison pushed.

"And… she pushed me away… I got mad…" Lucas rubbed his forehead with his index finger. "I said something…"

"What did you say?" Mark asked in a low, threatening tone. "What did you tell her?"

"I'm not sure," he whispered. "Something about Derek… Then she pulled away and I saw that she was crying."

"And she ran away?"

Lucas nodded before falling into a waiting room couch. Luckily, the only person around was an old man, napping in his chair.

Derek couldn't speak. The thought alone of Lucas touching her, his filthy hands on her perfect, innocent body, his drunken lips on her perfect, pure ones made him sick to his stomach.

Slowly but steadily, Derek felt other emotions than shock seep into his system.

Frustration. Worry. Desperation. Anger.

Anger.

Red-hot, fiery, blistering anger that left a bittersweet, metallic taste in his mouth and made the edges of his vision blurry, fogged.

"Bastard," his voice was so low and so rough that all three turned to look at him. Derek lowered his voice even further as he took a step towards Lucas on the couch. "You bastard."

"Derek," Lucas said, warily, emotions running over his face with impossible speed, fright, regret, sadness altogether. "I am so sorry."

"You…" he could barely get the words out. Mark hesitantly rose from his chair. "You touched her… You… You…"

"Drove her away?" Lucas asked in a slightly louder voice, pain and frustration yet again the dominant expressions of his features. "Don't you think I know that?"

"You… She was just a little girl…"

"Derek, she was 18…" Lucas trailed off and got up from the chair, watching Derek who was slowly approaching him.

Derek didn't answer.

"Look," Mark broke the silence, moving to stand beside Derek, putting a half-supportive, half-restraining hand on his shoulder. "We have bigger issues right now."

"Oh yeah?" Derek laughed in a bitter, slightly hysterical tone, still looking nowhere but Lucas. "Like what?"

"Like the fact that we need to find Meredith before she does something really stupid."

Derek froze in his tracks.

Mark was right.

Meredith was running.

He knew from experience that when Meredith ran, she ran far far away. It had taken him 7 years to find her the last time for god's sake; and that had been purely coincidental.

He saw her face so clearly in his head, her panic-stricken features, scared, overpowered, tired…

She could have gone so far by now.

"I…" Derek felt his legs become weak underneath him. "Meredith..."

Mark held on to his other arm and gently lead him down to a chair.

"Shh," Mark muttered. "Take a deep breath."

Doing as he was told, Derek closed his eyes; the only thing he could see was her, her beautiful face, twisted in pain and frustration.

He had lost her once. And by some twist of faith, by some miracle of a power out of this world, she had come back to him.

"Mark," he whispered, his voice rough and indefinable. "I can't lose her again."

"I know."

"I don't know if I could live through it. I- I just can't even…"

"I know," Mark soothed again.

As Derek buried his face in his hands and his breath hitched in his throat, Mark looked up at Lucas with an expression so clear that no words were needed.

_You better hope we find her or you are toast._

Meredith couldn't breathe right.

She got air into her lungs and it came out again; but somehow it felt superficial, shallow; it was not enough.

There was no one in sight; as Meredith drove onto the highway, she tightened her grip on the steering wheel with both hands and calmly pressed the gas pedal to the floor.

Her vision got blurry but she blinked the tears away, willing herself not to cry. Crying was for weak people; that was a sentence stuck in her mind from ancient times, times with her biological mother, times before the Shepherds were even in her life…

What if she had never met them?

The speedometer needle was quickly going upwards… 80… 100… 110…

Meredith gritted her teeth and found herself, once again, running away.

3


	50. Chapter 49: No!

**Hey guys! Thanks so much for all the comments! I know I don't answer them that often but know that I really appreciate all your awesome views on my story **

**Just saying, we're at a major turning point… stick with me!**

**Oh, and happy Thanksgiving! It happens to be my very first one!**

**xxx Anne**

**Chapter 49: No!**

"She could be anywhere," Addison protested. "I mean, the last time she ran away, she managed to disappear for seven years!"

"You knew where she was…"

"Derek! Do you really want to bring that up right now? Will you ever be able to look past that?"

"Why should I?" Derek weakly shouted as he stood up. "You did something unforgiveable."

"And you…"

"Guys," Mark calmly interrupted before Addison could finish her sentence. "This is not the time."

Derek looked him straight in the eye; and even though Mark was a little bit taller, Derek seemed to tower over him.

Swallowing hard and shifting on his feet, Mark didn't break the contact. In his eyes Derek saw just a little bit of the fear and sheer panic that was eating him up from the inside. But he also saw resolve… determination. Confidence.

_We'll find her. I can promise you that much._

See that was why Mark was his rock. Or used to be anyway.

Derek sighed and looked away.

"You're right," he whispered hoarsely. "We need to find her."

"Addie has a point though," Lucas cut in. For a while he had been aptly quiet and now his voice was hesitant, unconvincing. "She could be anywhere…"

He trailed off when he felt Derek's glare boring into his skull.

Mark cleared his throat.

"That may very well be true; but I still think we should make sure she's not at one of the obvious places. You know, her house, Joe's bar…"

"…and someone should stay and monitor the hospital if she decides to come back," Addison finished for him.

"Come back?" a sharp voice interrupted. "What are you talking about?"

"Dr. Yang," Mark greeted Christina.

"You paged, Dr. Sloan," the tiny female with the unruly black curls stated. "I just missed out on observing open heart-surgery. It had better be important."

"Christina," Derek said, tired of conversation. Every second that went with talk, Meredith could be a second further away from him.

Christina gave him a look lesser men may have crumbled to dust under when he called her by her first name; but he could see that behind her hardcore shell, she could sense something was wrong – the look on his face being quite the give-away.

"Christina, it's her. She's gone."

"Gone?" Christina's brows furrowed, instantly knowing who 'she' was. "What do you mean, gone?"

"There's no time to explain," Derek yelled, feeling depression creeping up on him, mixing with the fear that was consuming him, rolling over him like a dark, heavy blanket.

Christina's dark eyes tightened with despise and panic, something that normally would terrify Derek to death.

"What did you do?" she asked in a low, guttural hiss, pronouncing ever syllable carefully. "What did you do to her?"

"I…" Derek started but was interrupted.

"It was me," Lucas sighed, immediately shrinking under Christina's condescending eyes.

"Who are you?" she snorted, giving Derek a sceptic look.

"I'm Lucas. Lucas Forbes-Montgomery."

If the situation hadn't sent terror through his system, Mark might have laughed at the way Christina's eyeballs about popped out of their sockets at this new titbit of information. After a second or two, she took a step closer to the man, who, despite his overwhelmingly superior physique, took a step back.

"Dr. Yang," Mark cleared his throat as he saw murder in her eyes. "Not the time."

Christina turned around to glare at Mark; but caught herself and sighed in reluctant surrender.

"To think YOU would be the ones to rescue her."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek spoke up, barely able to wait any longer.

"You…" Christina stopped to look around at all of them, Lucas, Addison, Mark and Derek. "You all broke her. Every one of you."

Derek felt as if his stomach had been detached from the rest of his body, thrown on the floor and trampled on.

He needed to find her. Right now.

"If you guys are done," he broke in, cutting off whoever was talking, "I would like to go look for her… Meredith."

It was the first time anyone had said her name in a long while and that quieted everyone down.

When no one seemed to say anything, Derek cleared his hoarse throat.

"I'm going to her house."

"I'll go with you," Mark immediately agreed but was interrupted.

"No," Derek muttered, "You and Yang are going to Joe's." He paused and looked at Addison and Lucas, both standing with equally awkward, uncomfortable expressions. "And you two, stay here. If she comes back."

"Derek," Mark protested. "You're in no condition to drive…"

"Do you really," Derek said, loudly enough for several heads to turn in their direction. "Do you REALLY want to discuss this right now? We've wasted enough time already. Let's just go."

"But…" Mark began. This steely, hard Derek was beginning to scare him.

"But nothing." Derek got up and started walking towards the door with fast, determinant footsteps.

As Derek got into his car, he longed for the numb feeling he had had for weeks now. Where was the unattached, anaesthetized self when he needed it the most?

Tapping his foot rapidly down on the gas pedal, Derek pulled out of the parking lot. Before he knew it, he was racing down the road, trying to keep up with the speed of his pounding heart.

He had almost forgotten how that felt. His heart.

Was it always that painful? Surely not.

Suddenly, it skipped an aching beat as Derek's phone went off in his lap.

With stiff, cold fingers, Derek picked the phone up, a knot in his stomach as he saw the caller id.

"Is she there?" he asked, not bothering with any formal greeting.

"No," Mark sighed.

"Are you sure?" Derek snapped, slamming even harder down on the gas pedal.

"Derek…" Mark whispered. Was that tears in his voice? Derek suddenly felt bad; but not enough to mention it. It was simply not the time.

"Yes?"

"Christina is trying her cell again. We are going to look in some of the other bars."

"She is not gonna be there."

"It's worth a try-"

"She is not gonna be there," Derek hissed.

"Derek…" Mark muttered again. "You're not the only one worried."

Worried? That must be the understatement of the century. He didn't say that.

"Fine," Derek sighed instead. What if he was too late?

No. He couldn't think like that.

No. No. No.

"Do whatever you want," Derek told Mark and hung up without waiting for an answer.

Without realizing it, he was now on her street; he had never been here before but after that night, the night he took her to his house because he didn't know where she lived, the night he found his wife in bed with his best friend, Meredith had made sure he had her address. Just in case.

As he saw her house as she described it, big and brown and beautiful, he pretty much knew. Surgeons know to trust their gut feeling.

Derek didn't have a gut. It was left with the rest of the body, he was currently out of, looking down at.

There was no garage. And no car in the driveway.

Still, Derek got out of his car, running towards the door, pulling the doorknob. The door didn't open.

Derek let himself fall down on the doorstep, burying his face in his hands.

_It was Twilight, the sun barely disappeared behind the horizon as Derek drove up the driveway, put his car in park and walked in a way that could only be defined as skidding up to the main door._

_She said yes. He was getting married._

_Addison had stayed in Manhattan, floating on her giddy, happy cloud. Derek couldn't help but laugh as he thought of her initial squeal, her jumping up and down, jumping into his arms._

_Now he couldn't wait to share the news with his family._

"_I'm home!" he sang but was met with no answer._

_He was sure his mother's car was parked in the driveway. The lights were on in Lucas' guesthouse. And he would be surprised if Meredith was anywhere but here._

"_Mom!" he yelled out, closing the door behind him. "Where are you guys?"_

_As he walked into the living room, the ominous silence sending chills down his spine. Derek didn't remember ever being alone in his childhood home._

_Sure that no one were downstairs, Derek sprinted up the stairs. No lights were on, except for the ones in Meredith's room. _

"_Mer?" No answer. Derek's stomach tightened._

_As he stepped into the room, the sight that met him made him freeze in his tracks._

_The window was open, sending chill summer air through the space._

_On Meredith's made bed sat Lucas, facing Carolyn who looked at Derek with red-rimmed eyes that made all blood leave Derek's face._

"_Guys," he said with a nervous laugh. "What's up?"_

_Her room felt cold, different than he had ever remembered it. This room was full of happy memories; but they were gone, without her warmth to light it up._

_They were quiet for a long moment before Carolyn cleared her throat._

"_I… she…"_

"_Meredith?" Derek asked, his entire body cooling down._

"_Yes… she… she…" Carolyn took a deep breath. "She's gone."_

"_What?" Derek laughed nervously again. "Why would you think that?"_

"_Can't you sense it Derek?" she asked him, looking dead into his eyes._

_Derek stepped into the room; he could feel what his mother meant. Most of her stuff was here and still, she, the essence of Meredith, was no longer in this room._

"_She…" Carolyn began again, Lucas keeping very quiet. "She threw her phone out the window. Her passport is gone."_

_Derek shook his head as the realization that she was gone._

"_No," he whispered. "No."_

"_Derek…"_

"_No." It was louder this time. Stubbornly loud. "No. No. No."_

"_Please just…"_

"_No!" Derek shouted, picking up her bedside lamp only to throw it against the wall. "No!"_

She was gone. Again.

He knew it; in some way he had known it all along, refusing to see it before just now.

As the first tear rolled down his cheek, Derek didn't even bother to try to hide or control it. The beautiful sunshine of the day seemed to be mocking him, telling him it was his own fault, that he was too late…

That he lost her again.

She knew she should slow down. She knew that her speed, combined with the blurriness of her tear-stained vision and the minimal concentration she mustered, was going to get her killed.

Then again, that thought wasn't all too uninteresting right now…

The phone, laying so innocently on the passenger seat, went off again, vibrating, blinking, ringing in a shrill high tone; anything to get her attention.

Meredith needed to turn it off before she was tempted to answer the calls. She couldn't.

As she reached over to grab it, something yellow caught her eye, something that made her breath stick in her throat.

7


	51. Chapter 50: U Turn

**Chapter 50: U Turn**

_As Meredith reached over to turn off her phone, something yellow caught her eye, something that made her breath stick in her throat._

Without even glancing in the mirror, Meredith pulled into the far right lane and onto the shoulder of the road. Just as the car stopped completely she involuntarily fell forward until her forehead was pressed against the steering wheel.

_So this is what a panic attack feels like, _she thought as the breath she had been holding came out in tiny, shallow hisses between the slight crack of her lips.

Her face felt hot and so incredibly cold at the same time; it took her a while to realize that it was not only sweat that made her lips so salty – at some point the tears had started tickling down her flush, stained cheeks, into the dry edges of her mouth.

Her heart; her heart was suddenly going at a million miles per hour, painfully hammering its way out her chest; and still, it was as if it was not beating at all – at least her brain was not getting the blood it needed with the way the world was spinning.

"I…" she whispered to no one in particular. "I… I… I…"

For what felt like years, and was in reality no more than seconds, she felt… slightly better. Lifting her head – that weighed more than she would have thought possible – Meredith glanced back to the passenger seat.

Feeling her heart stop all over again, she quickly took a deep breath that made the ground somewhat steady. The little patch of yellow, halfway hidden under the seat seemed to grow bigger the longer she stared at it until it filled her entire vision; it was all she saw, all she sensed.

And slowly, miraculously, her heart was beating in a calm manner; her senses seemed to reappear; the blood on her lips suddenly detectable for her tongue to taste, her back hurting like it was trying to make up for the moments of numbness she had just experienced.

And there; there was Derek in her vision, smiling that slightly crooked, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, soul-aching smile of his, that knowing, innocent, pure gaze of goodness that made her want to jump off a bridge and never look away from his bright blue eyes at the very same time.

Meredith almost smiled, slight, crippled and tear-stained, as she finally could muster the will to think what she in some imperceptible, buried way had been thinking all this time, all along.

It was Derek. Always Derek.

She needed him. And not just like she needed her friends, her job, her surgical rush. No, like she needed food or water or air in itself; or maybe even more since none of those things seemed to matter without him.

_Corny, _Meredith thought to herself but couldn't help but smile. Stronger this time, more sure, more secure in the truth of her own thoughts than before.

Meredith took a deep breath as she realized that she did not have much time to waste. And so, she pulled her car off the shoulder of the road, making a complete U-turn.

She had done what she knew she could not do without caving. She had let him into her thoughts. Into her brain. Again.

She could not shut him out off her head, stay strong; his voice lingering behind.

And there was no way in hell she could leave him.

*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*

Despite her efforts, even though her foot was pressing the gas pedal to the bottom of the car without letting up, it still took Meredith about forty minutes to get back.

By now, they probably knew she had run away. They had checked in all the usual places and not found her.

_He's not at the hospital, _Meredith thought, knowing exactly where he would be.

As she turned on to her street, the reality of what she was going to do hit her hard. Taking in yet another deep breath, Meredith let the car come to a complete stop as she reached her house.

The sight that met her broke her heart all over.

Derek Shepherd did not look up as she got out of the car, trying to keep the world from spinning, and slammed the door unnecessarily hard.

On wobbly legs, Meredith walked up to him in short, hesitative steps.

His face was hidden between the palms of his hands, back hunched over like was he curled into a sitting, fetal position. Derek did not move a single muscle.

She ignored the enormous lump in her throat and came closer until she stood right before him, towering over his pitiful appearance.

"Derek…" her voice was without breath, without feel, hoarse and rough. It was not her voice.

Derek stiffened under her gaze, still as not alive. Then, ever so slowly, like he was not allowing himself hope, the fingers that were drawn over his face moved slightly, enough to let his blood red eyes peak out between them. As they focused on her face above him, they widened.

"You…" He stammered, trying to get up but failing as energy had clearly deserted him. "You- … you're… here-…"

Meredith took yet another deep breath as she nodded and looked directly into his eyes.

"Yes. I'm here."

"But…" She clearly saw how his bloodshot eyes once again filled with tears and her heart could not help but ache at all the pain they had caused each other through the years. "But you…"

Derek could not for his life get the rest of that sentence out.

Hesitating, Meredith moved even closer to him, until she found herself sitting next to him on the porch. Would her touch make everything worse?

She decided to take that risk and wrapped first one and then, when he did not move, two arms around his body.

They sat like that for a while until she could finally feel his torso relaxing in her arms. When she tried to remove herself from him, allowing him space, he pulled her arms firmly back around him and put his own around her frail body.

"Just… Don't move," Derek begged, his voice even rougher than hers, as Meredith allowed herself to snuggle close to his chest. "Can't we just stay like this for a while?"

Meredith swallowed.

They had things to talk about. Conversations that could not wait.

At least not for very long.

Right now, at least, he was playing with her, making her feel loved; so she would not run away again? If that was the case, she was happily playing along, simply enjoying the moment that felt so effortless compared to the last few months.

Only, she could not do that. Not again.

And Derek seemed to know that, or maybe he even felt the same way, because just as she thought it, he shifted her around, so he could look into her face.

Never had she seen him so breakable, so tender, so vulnerable before.

When he spoke, his voice was low and soft, almost silky if not for the slight, rough edge that would not be detectable to most. Then again, Meredith was not most.

"I thought you left me. I thought you were gone."

Again. He did not have to add that part.

Meredith swallowed hard and felt her stomach turn as she fought the wild, natural urge to bolt straight out of his arms.

No way out now.

"I…" she fell over her own words and tried again. "I did. I did leave. I came back."

"I see." Derek looked at her, thoughtfully playing with a few strands of honey blonde hair. Her honesty seemed to make him happier, and that was what she wanted, right? To make him happy.

Meredith just nodded, waiting for the inevitable follow-up question. And just as she expected, here it came.

"And can I ask you," Derek murmured, low enough for only her to hear. "Why you came back?"

He protested as she removed her arm from him but his frowning expression was soon replaced with one of curiosity as she pulled out something small and yellow from her pocket.

Then, as she let the piece of fabric fall into his hand, Meredith watched his features closely. She saw a lot of stress and anger leave his face to be replaced by a mild smile as he recognized the object in his own palm.

"Ah," he said as he held it up. "I see."

"You know," Meredith half-smiled, feeling weird using her muscles that way, as she snatched the scrub cap right back out of his hands. "I do have a thing for Winnie the Pooh."

"Is he the only guy you have a thing for?" Derek asked, heat in his voice. Meredith immediately stiffened; as did he.

"Meredith…" he muttered under his breath, watching her carefully as she studied her own palm.

"Derek," her voice was clear and strong. "We need to talk."

She was going to answer honestly, not denying him any bit of information any longer. Because he deserved it.

5


	52. Chapter 51: Now You Know

**Chapter 51: Now you know**

Derek sighed and reluctantly let go of her.

Her.

Meredith.

She was here.

She was really here. The fact that he had almost lost her for the second time made him feel shaken to his core, out of control.

And she wanted to talk. He could see it in her eyes; she meant it.

But she needed the distance; he could tell by the way she suddenly became fidgety against his chest. And though his instincts told him never to let go of her again, Derek let her sit on the porch beside him with about eight inches between them.

Meredith's back was hunched over; she was about as curled up as she could be in a sitting position. Clearing her throat, she slowly straightened her back.

"I…" she gulped. "I'm not sure where to start."

Derek hesitated and fought against the urge to touch, to soothe, to be as near to her as he possibly could; for the electrical spark he felt whenever her skin made the slightest contact with him was more powerful than ever. She had to feel that too.

Right?

"Just… tell me everything."

Meredith sighed and fiddled with a thin strand of long, blond hair. Oh how he longed to twist it and let it playfully dance between his fingers.

"I guess I always loved you…" She smiled, clearly right back there, in the long summer days of childhood. "You saved me."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Derek asked, feeling his heart swell in his chest as he thought of that little girl.

"I…" Meredith took a deep breath. "I guess it was a different kind of love. I was five, you were 11. For the longest time, I loved you like the brother I never had."

"When did you… realize?"

She gulped and looked away; but he knew she was going to answer.

"When you brought Addison home." She looked at him with a defensive glint in her eyes as she rushed on as if thinking that he was going to interrupt her. "And it wasn't just jealousy over not being your first priority anymore. It wasn't just that you forgot about me."

Derek felt his heart clench at her words and tried to catch her eyes; but she was carefully studying her short, nervously bitten fingernails.

Did he even begin to know how much pain he had put her through? He doubted it.

"What was it then?" he asked, his voice much more gentle than he felt.

"The… the fact that she could kiss you…" Meredith gulped again. "And _love _you… freely. Openly. With no care in the world. And that… that you loved her back."

She peeked up at him and quickly gazed down again, after meeting his intense stare. He knew he was making her uncomfortable, but tearing his eyes away was simply not possible.

"Don't even try to deny it," she muttered.

"I'm not," he gently whispered, wanting so badly to pull her back in his arms. He didn't. "I did love her… at some point."

"What happened?"

"I don't know exactly what or when it happened. But with the years, we grew further and further apart... It was no one's fault."

Meredith huffed, making Derek look at her in surprise. She was meeting his eyes with anger in her own.

"She cheated on you Derek!"

"I know," he said and found himself oddly empty inside when he found that it did not hurt him one bit. That he had moved completely past it. "But Mer… Addison is not as bad as you think."

Meredith rolled her eyes but he caught them again.

"Please. It's important that you understand this. Hear me out."

Slowly, hesitantly, she nodded. Derek felt his heart against his ribcage as their gazes locked.

"I may have been physically faithful in my marriage but Meredith… My heart wasn't in it for a long time. Not since…" he swallowed and forced himself to say it. "Not since you left. Not since that night."

"Still," Meredith sighed and Derek found himself breathing again as she lowered her eyes. How long had he been without air? "It doesn't justify her actions…"

"No. It doesn't." Derek solemnly agreed. "But when you were gone… It's a whole other side of me that you haven't seen much of until lately. I've been a complete asshole for the last month."

Meredith made a grunting noise, unquestionably an agreement that was so unpurposely cute that he could not help but smile slightly.

"I was cold… distant… burying myself in work… I would have given up on myself in her situation." he sighed. "And what you have felt for the last month? That's how I was for 7 years. Until I found you again."

A shiver went through Meredith's body. For the longest time she didn't say anything. Finally, she slowly lifted her head to look at Derek. He saw tears in her eyes, tears that he had put there with his words.

"I…" she began and he could no longer resist; in a matter of very few seconds, she was on his lap, cradled tightly between his arms, face buried in his shirt, the salty water running down her cheeks, through his shirt and falling on his chest.

"I'm so…" the words were muffled by his chest; he could feel rather than actually hear the words she whispered.

"No," Derek mumbled and pulled her even closer; as close as he dared without crushing her fragile bones. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

Meredith struggled against his grip and he let her pull away so she could look up at him.

"Nothing to be sorry for?" She laughed a bitter, hoarse laughter that made him feel tired and sad to his core. This was not how Meredith laughed. "How can I ever possibly make up for seven years?"

"Just…" Derek sighed, gritted his teeth. and knew that what he was asking for was going to hurt both of them. "Tell me the truth. The whole truth about the night you left."

*.*:*:*:*:*

She knew it was coming. Of course he would ask.

He was bound to ask.

He deserved to know.

She couldn't help but lean further into his embrace, listening to the purr he let out between his teeth, wondering if he would hold her or look at her with that look when this was over with.

Meredith wanted to bolt, to break down and curl into a tiny ball. She didn't. Instead, her voice was perfectly calm, if not for the slight edge, when she talked.

"How much did he… Lucas… tell you?" she struggled to say his name out loud and Derek tensed as she did.

"He told me that he had been drinking… and that you were upset… and that he…" Derek paused and though she could not see the expression on his face, she could feel his arms, rigid around her, sense his face, crumbling in pain. "He took advantage of you."

At least he told him the truth, Meredith thought to herself. When she did not immediately continue, Derek spoke again.

"What happened?"

Meredith swallowed hard and painfully.

"He was in love with me. I should have noticed sooner… I was too blind and too absorbed in my own problems. And even if I suspected… I found comfort in him… With Lucas I was… less lonely."

She felt his tense body molded against her and knew that every word she spoke was hurting him. But it needed to be said.

"The night before… you know, the proposal…" she swallowed hard. "He kissed me. Or tried to anyway. And I pulled away and left him there."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Derek spoke up.

"What then?"

"Then the next day, you came and told me that you were going to ask Addison to… to marry you."

Meredith felt her eyes moisten once again as Derek's arms tightened even more.

"So that afternoon… after you left me… I went to Lucas' guesthouse."

Silence.

"And?"

"He had been drinking. It was so obvious. And I still… I still went in there. I asked him… to kiss me. I wanted to forget about you and Addison and the fact that I had lost you forever…"

"And…" Derek's voice was filled with poorly disguised emotion. "Did it help?"

"No," Meredith firmly answered. "It felt so… wrong. It wasn't you."

His erratically pounding heart skipped a beat; she hadn't noticed that she could sense it, banging against her body until it suddenly flat lined for a second.

"Did…" he cleared his throat. "Did he hurt you?"

"Physically, no," Meredith sighed. Was that a breath of relief? "I left before it got anywhere."

"Where did you go?" Derek asked, intrigued, she assumed, to finally know more about the mystery he had been trying to solve for so long.

"I went back to the house to get some stuff… and then I went to Dartmouth on the first plane I could find out of here."

"How did you afford college?"

"I had my savings. The rest I worked for." Meredith sighed but she could not quite keep the tone of pride out of her voice. "It was a lot of struggle but… I made it and here I am today, a surgical intern."

He looked at her with those bright blue eyes and there was so much in there; pride? Hurt? Grief? Regret? Relief?

"So…" Meredith swallowed and forced herself to keep the eye contact. They were tangled up in each other, his arms tight around her. "Now you know."

_What are you going to do about it?_

"Meredith…" Derek sighed. "I'm so so so unbelievably sorry. To think about all the pain I caused you…" he swallowed hard and kept her glance fixed on him. "It makes me sick to my stomach."

For the longest time she did not know what to say.

"I love you." It was all she had to say.

The expression on his face was unfathomable and Meredith felt her heart tear.

"I'm sorry." she gulped, quickly backtracking, swallowing her words. "I'm putting you in an awkward position."

But as she tried to free herself from his grip, his arms did not let her go.

She looked up at him and saw his clear blue eyes, moist and innocent, gazing at her. Before she could say more, he had put a finger against her lips, leaving her to marvel over the feel that was so soft and so sparkling electric at the same time.

"Meredith." The way he said her name, the way he looked at her, it all sent delicious chills down her spine. "Of course I love you too. Always have, always will."

"I…" she had no clue what to say. She was floating up somewhere, between the skies.

"You don't have to say anything," Derek smiled. "I'm sorry for all the things I said. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out. It was never a real question. I guess… I guess the pain of losing you seemed so much greater than the fear that I can't trust you. Because I will trust you. I do trust you."

"Does-" Meredith piped from under his index finger. "Does that mean you don't need anymore time?"

"Yes," he laughed and the delicious sound made her giggle. "I'm going to kiss you now."

"Okay," she merely replied as he leaned in and caught her lips between his.

7


	53. Chapter 52: It's okay

**Chapter 52: It's okay**

"Let's face it. Derek or Christina would have called by now." Addison sighed and a wave of exhaustion washed over her. "She's long gone."

Slowly, she let herself sink into the soft leather chair, facing a desk that was currently unoccupied; Mark was instead pacing around his office space, dialling the same number again and again.

"Mark…"

It was as if he had not heard her.

"Mark!" she snapped and he stopped in his tracks, only to look at her with furiously impatient eyes.

"What?" he asked in a clipped voice, icily staring directly at her.

"She's not going to pick up. She would have done that by now." Addison's voice was soft and worn out. "She made a decision not to pick up the phone."

"You know what?" Mark said after a brief pause. "Screw you."

"Excuse me?"

"This is not your call Addison! Do I need to remind you that it was you who drove her away the last time? You who lied and lied and then lied some more, for SEVEN years?" He paused to take a deep breath. "Do you think Derek was the only one you broke when you let her slip away? What about the rest of us? What about him?"

Mark eyed Lucas, who was sitting quietly in the corner, with a look that was so full of obvious despise that it was no wonder he seemed even less of a human under it.

"What about Carolyn? She took you in as her own and you broke her. What about Amelia? She never got to see Meredith again. How do you think she will handle this?" Mark closed his eyes as he felt tears try to slip out, suddenly feeling the same exhaustion that was haunting the red-haired Montgomery-Forbes siblings. "And what about me, Addison? Do you even realize how much she means to me? And how much he does? This is not your call."

He finally opened his eyes to look at her; and even though Addison's mouth was open, no coherent words seemed able to make their way through her lips. Slowly, her full eyes spilled over and a lone tear began its journey down her pale cheek.

"You have a funny way of showing how much we mean to you," an unmistakably clear voice dryly commented from the doorway.

It must have looked almost comic, the way all three immediately turned their heads to face a tired Meredith, tightly wrapped between Derek's arms. Only no one found it particularly funny.

"You're…" Addison was the first to find her words but still needed to clear her throat. "You're here. You're not gone."

"I was," Meredith simply replied with a somewhat crooked smile. "But I came back."

She could have cut through the air, the thick, awkwardly stiff silence with a knife.

"I'm glad."

Meredith looked up at Addison in disbelief and felt Derek's arms tighten around her, something that made her body melt completely up against his. She could still feel the touch of his lips on hers, soft and red hot as it had been. But when she met those brown orbs of the woman she was no longer second to, she found nothing but fatigue, a thousand years of exhaustion and… sincerity?

It was a weird, choking sound that made Meredith break the eye contact and move her eyes to look at Mark, who was currently fighting tears, still not able to speak. The sight alone made her insides churn and knot up and she involuntarily stepped forward with her hand stretched out. The other immediately found Derek's; the electric surge that went through her filled her with delight; she was his.

"Mark…" she muttered and smiled slightly as he reached out for her hand and let his big, warm palm embrace hers.

"I thought…" He coughed and tried again. "I thought…"

"I know." That was all she could offer him right now. "I'm right here."

Mark pondered that; then, slowly nodding, his face broke out in a gentle smile.

"I see."

The three of them merely stood there for a while, all connected by Meredith in the middle, neither knowing what to say, until there was a clearing of throat.

As Lucas stepped forward, slowly, with hands held up as if to signal that he was unarmed, Derek came closer to Meredith; warning Lucas with a piercing glance.

Meredith herself felt stiff, exhilarated, tired, glowing; she eyed him warily as he slowly approached her. Then he stopped; for a moment, no one said anything.

"Meredith." His voice was fragile but warm, caring. Honest, she thought. "I don't know what to say."

She gave Derek's hand a squeeze and felt him immediately respond by drawing her closer to him. Feeling his body against hers, she could not help but be amazed over the heat he was radiating.

Meredith swallowed something and forced herself to focus on the person in front of her. Lucas continued.

"I know that I have no right to show up here at your workplace. I just needed to… to see you again. To get some closure to all this… I'm sorry." He paused and looked down. "I'm terribly sorry for the pain that I've caused you."

For a while, Meredith said nothing. Really, what more was there to say?

Lucas cleared his throat again.

"Anyways," he muttered, backing away. "That's all I came to say. Goodbye, Meredith."

"Lucas," she spoke up, her voice hoarse and cool. "It's… okay."

He looked back at her, taking her in as she offered him whatever she was able to give. He took it; a tiny half-smile spread across his face. Nodding ever so slightly to himself, he went straight for the door.

"Wait!"

Lucas turned around with a questioning look, reflected on Derek, Mark and Meredith's faces. Addison, eyes a bit red, but otherwise collected, stepped forward.

"I'm going with you. To New York."

He smiled at her, slight and full of exhaustion; a smile nonetheless.

"You sure?"

"Yes," Addison said in a low yet steady voice as she looked around, into faces of people she had hurt and been hurt by. Then, after lingering on Derek's face for a second too long, she seemed to collect herself. "Yeah, I'm sure. There's nothing left for me here."

Addison raised her hand in an awkward wave; and just like that, the Montgomery-Forbes siblings were out of the room, out of the hospital for what looked like forever.

Mark's pager went off and he excused himself with a smirk.

Meredith was the first one to speak.

"Are you okay?" she asked in a low, rough voice, turning around to look up into Derek's tired face.

"Yeah." He smiled slightly in a way that made her insides somersault. "Never been better, actually."

She looked at him, really looked at him; and underneath his worn features, exhausted with the day's events, was a real warmth, a simple happiness that matched her own. He was speaking the truth.

"What about you?" he lifted one of their entwined hands to stroke across her cheek. Wherever skin met, she felt scorched, alive.

Meredith offered him a smile, a real, teeth-flashing, bright one that went from one ear to another, delighted when his own smirk stretched to complement hers.

"I'm pretty okay, too."

"I'm glad." Derek ran his fingers through her hair.

"Mmmm… me too." She yawned, suddenly overwhelmed with the events of the day. He laughed.

"You need sleep. And you know what?"

"What?" she mumbled.

Derek leaned in and whispered in her tired ear.

"I'm taking you out. On a real date."

5


	54. Chapter 53: Right

**You guys have the most awesome comments! This sounds crazy, but I'm in love with every single one of you and I'm so sorry I often don't have much time to respond to them individually but I really really really appreciate them – they are what keep me going so to say **

**On another note, some people have expressed a worry that this story is coming to an end – I can assure you that this is not the case. Dynamics are definitely changing, but you see, even though the surface is currently quiet, both Meredith and Derek have underlying issues that will not be forgotten for much longer. So if you're into angst, like I am, prepare for some cutesy and some sugar (I do believe they deserve it!) and know that the drama is far from over… And please continue to tell me what you think!**

**Love, Anne.**

**Chapter 53: Right**

"What about this one?" Meredith said, holding up a floral print frock into a streak of late afternoon sunlight, coming through the bedroom windows.

"No." Christina shook her head. "Too frilly."

"Great," Meredith sighed and let the soft material fall on top of the rejected pile that was quickly growing several feet tall. "This?"

Christina, who was bent over a medical textbook, looked up with narrowing eyes. The dress was a bright red, shiny and shimmering in the sun.

"Too formal."

"This?"

"Too casual."

"This one?"

"Too… salmon."

"Ugh!" Meredith lay down on the floor and closed her eyes. "This is impossible!"

"It doesn't matter," Christina merely shrugged, engrossed in her textbook. "You could show up, dressed in a plastic bag and he wouldn't care."

"I want to do this right," Meredith imitated, not hearing her friend's words. "That's what he said."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly!" Meredith let out, still not opening her eyes. "How am I supposed to know what right is? I've never done this before. Dated."

Christina made a sound, suspiciously close to a snort.

"You know very well that I haven't either. I really don't see what I'm even doing here."

"Christina!" Meredith snapped and rolled her eyes, quickly stealing the textbook out of her hands. Christina glared at her but didn't say anything. "Help me out here!"

Christina finally looked, really looked at her friend and sighed.

"If in doubt, go for slutty. It's the best advice I can give you."

"But…"

"MER! I gave you my opinion."

"Okay," she stressed, fidgeting with a lock of long, blond hair. "Okay."

"Ok," Christina agreed, rising to her feet as she started looking through the remains left in Meredith's closet. "Let's see what we've got to work with…"

Meredith closed her eyes again; trying to control her heartbeat.

"I really don't know what you're so nervous about," came from the closet. "I mean, you told him you love him, you kissed him, you know everything about him… what even left besides… OH!"

Meredith's eyes snapped open; her cheeks flushed bright red as she found herself staring up at a pretty skimpy piece of black leather.

"Is this…" Christina snickered. "Could it be…"

"Paris," Meredith confirmed with a smirk.

"Ohh Paris," Christina knowingly chuckled and threw the dress at Meredith who instinctively caught it. "Although YOU, my friend, probably don't remember much between London and Venice."

"You could say that," Meredith admitted, smiling. Doubtfully, she picked the dress up and studied it. It rode very high up the thigh and very very low down the cleavage. "But I have pictures to prove it. Do you really think I should wear this?"

"Oh god no," Christina snapped back the dress and tossed it away. "It's just way too desperate."

"Great," Meredith muttered, exasperated. "You know what? I'll wear my sweatpants. I'm putting on a Dartmouth sweater and flip flops and no makeup and…"

She suddenly trailed off.

"What?" Christina questioned but got no answer. Meredith's eyes were fixated on the empty closet… Well, almost empty.

In the very back, clinging to the wall after months of being pressed onto it, was a simple, white cotton dress.

"Ah…" Christina smiled and snatched it from the rack, throwing it at the blonde on the floor. "We have a winner. I don't remember ever seeing you in this"

"That's because I never wore it." Meredith smiled and caught it, quickly slipping it over her bra-clad body. "I got it from Lexie before I really even wanted anything to do with her and forgot all about it. So what do you think?"

Meredith stood up and raised her arms with a questioning look.

"I…" Christina half-smiled and nodded, almost approvingly. "I like it."

"What?" Meredith muttered in mock disbelief. "Not too formal? Too casual? Too short or too long or just way too white?"

"Shut up," Christina rolled her eyes and threw herself on the edge of the bed, doing nothing to avoid the multi-coloured garments. "You're perfect."

"You know, for someone so – surgeon-y – you really do care a lot about fashion… Ever thought of making a career change?"

"Surgeon-y? Seriously?" But Christina was smiling. "Even for you, that's low."

Meredith snickered.

"Whatever. I found my dress."

"What, you're not even going to look at yourself in the mirror?"

"Nope," Meredith casually agreed, popping on the 'p'. "Now make me pretty."

"Yes dear." Christina got up, grabbed Meredith by the arm and placed her on the edge of the bathtub.

"Don't placate me. I'm not your dear." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Yes ma'am." Christina let her fingers run through Meredith's hair.

"Shut up."

Closing her eyes as Christina applied some sticky stuff to her face, Meredith went into her trance. That was until…

"Mer?"

"Yeah?" Eyes still closed as a smooth brush blew over her cheekbones.

"I'm happy for you. And I'm glad you came back"

Meredith smiled and nudged Christina's foot. Knowing very well that her best friend through seven years, not unlike herself, did not do well with displays of affection, this was all reaction she offered. She simply leaned back against the bathroom tiles and relaxed as Christina let her hands brush over her skin.

"Don't paint my whole face."

"I'm done."

Meredith's eyes snapped open.

"That was fast."

"Well you don't need much makeup." Christina looked at her watch. "Plus, Shepherd will be here in the next five minutes."

"Wait," Meredith straightened up, suddenly alert as her stomach made a somersault to the sound of his name and curled into a tiny little ball at the same time. "What?"

"You heard me."

"But… I had hours. HOURS. Where did my hours go?"

"You spend them, trying to find a dress, I assume."

"Ahh!" Meredith muttered, trying to breath more evenly. Christina was right. There was nothing to worry about. Except… She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the slight chime of a doorbell. Her stomach curled.

"He's nothing if not punctual." Christina rolled her eyes. Meredith shot her a look that made the tiny woman quiet as they raced down the stairs where Meredith came to an abrupt stop.

There was Derek, in the door, hair tousled from the wind, wearing THAT smile. He reminded her of the days, when he would come home from school or his part-time job at the ice cream store, exhausted and done – the way his face, his entire figure would lighten up when little Meredith came bolting down the stairs to be the first to great him. THAT smile.

"There you are," he smiled and glanced apologetically around. "No one answered so I opened the door… I'm sorry…"

"You're fine," Meredith said in a low, mousy voice. She could basically hear Christina's eye roll.

_Pull yourself together._

"You look great," Derek said and she could see that he was fidgety and not very much like the cocky neurosurgeon she had been around for a few months now. In some way, this made her feel better. "Stunning actually."

"Why thank you," Meredith smiled brightly as she finally tore her eyes from his blue ones and glanced over his lean body. He was wearing a blue shirt, two buttons unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up to the elbows. She felt an overwhelming need to touch, to reassure herself that he was really here, with her, for her. "You clean up nicely yourself."

Meredith could have sworn she heard Christina breathe a sigh of relief as he voice was back on a normal level. Derek broke into a full smile, the initial awkwardness melting away, as he motioned for her to come closer. It was not until now that she saw the bright yellow sunflower he was holding on to.

"For you." He offered it and she accepted it, careful not to touch him as she did. She could not handle it.

"Thank you," she whispered and his eyes grew tender as they locked with hers. She would be happy, perfectly happy, if she never looked away again.

After another immeasurable moment, she cleared her throat. It was too much, too soon if they were ever going to get on with this. She glanced at Derek rather shyly and saw that he was shifting uncomfortably.

"I should go get a vase for that," Meredith began but Christina stepped in.

"Let me get it," she assured, snatching the sunflower from Meredith's hands, giving her a look so pointed that Meredith did not even protest.

_Get over it and get out of here before I vomit._

Christina left and Meredith gestured for him to sit down in the tiny chair by the front door with a shaky hand as she looked around for her purse, muttering something about 'just a minute'. He did and she smiled at the picture, his long legs stretched out in front of him, hands behind his head, a bright smile on his features. It looked… homely. It was the first time he was in her home – and she found she quite liked the idea.

Derek's thoughts seemed to be on the same track.

"It's a nice place you've got here."

"Oh," Meredith turned around and looked at him. "You've never been inside before."

"Right," Derek smirked. "I only made it to the porch."

Meredith winced inside at the memory, still fresh in her mind. To think it was only two days ago!

"Well you came here on the right day. Normally it's crowded with interns…"

"Wait," Derek's brows furrowed. "How many of you guys live here?"

"It's Lexie, George, Alex and I. Plus Alex' random girl of the week. And George's family drops in every three or four days. And Christina. She basically lives here too." Meredith smiled. "I like having people around."

Derek smiled.

"It's what you grew up in."

Meredith smirked and forced herself to turn around.

"Christina! Have you seen my purse?"

From the kitchen came the tiny black-haired woman, carrying the purse that she immediately handed over.

"Now go," she ordered.

Meredith snickered and Derek simply held out his hand for Meredith to put hers in. It was still so unfamiliar, that she could touch him, whenever she wanted. That he wanted her touch.

Cautiously she braced herself for the electric shock as she placed her hand in his warm palm. She was not disappointed.

It was a warmth, a heat that went directly from her hand to her entire body, filling her with fire that burned every ounce of insecurity away in seconds.

This was right.

She knew and she could tell he did too as they went for the door, hand in hand. In the last second, Meredith turned around to look at Christina, and widened her eyes.

Christina, the hardcore cardio-intern, the tequila-drinking screw-them-and-leave-them girl, the sarcastic, cynical, brutally honest Christina had unmistakable moisture in her eyes. Still, the eyes, the frown across the mouth, spoke words that rang clear in Meredith's head, as had she said them out loud.

_If you tell anyone about this, I'll bury you alive._

**Next chapter? Date night. Oh boy.**

7


	55. Chapter 54: Special Alright

**Chapter 54: Special Alright**

"So," the tiny woman riding shotgun beside him asked, "how long of a ride is it?"

Derek allowed himself a quick glance at Meredith and could not help but smile widely. Her hands were manically playing with a lock of hair, her feet shifting ever so often. She was… bouncy?

"I'm still not telling you where we're going," he chuckled and tried to keep his mind on the road. She was so near, so incredibly close to him… Still, his tone was light. "No matter how clever you can be with phrasing the question."

"Well darn," Meredith giggled and it took him everything in him not to pull the car over, take her face in his palms and kiss her right there.

No.

He wanted to do this right. He needed to do it right.

For once.

"It's a surprise."

"I don't like surprises." There was smile in her voice but also a real edge of frustration.

"Too bad," he laughed.

"Derek!" there was that contagious giggle again, the one that made his insides stir. "Just tell me!"

"I'm not telling you where we're going to eat."

"Aha!" Meredith snickered in a voice that was so proud, so adorable… there was the smile spread over his face again, so automatic that he did not even regret telling her more than he ever planned on. "So we're going out to eat."

"Yes," he admitted, laughingly. "That's all I'm giving you."

"Giving me?" Meredith beamed and played with the hem of her white dress that went to just above her knee… Derek strained to force his eyes upwards, clinging just a little bit harder than necessary to the steering wheel. "That was a slip."

"Was not."

"Was too. Admit it."

Playfully, Derek raised one hand in the air.

"Okay, okay," he gave her, trying – and failing – to wipe the gleaming smile off of his own face. "Guilty as charged."

Her giggle was still in the air as the car made a high, startling thud.

"What was that?"

"I don't know…" Derek muttered, swiftly glaring over the dashboard… "Crap."

"What is it?" Meredith's voice was alarmed.

"We're low on gas."

"Just how low?"

"Very low…" just as he muttered it, the car started to slow down.

"Pull over."

He did as she said, letting it roll to the side of the street where it came to a complete halt.

"Great."

"It's ok," Meredith said in an optimistic tone of voice. "We'll just get a cab."

"Yeah but…" Derek groaned and hung his head. "I wanted to do this exactly right."

He thought he heard her grumble something under hear breath, sounding like 'what does that even mean?'

"What?"

"Nothing," Meredith hurriedly assured him, her fingers flattening her dress. "So what about that cab?"

He called for one and in less than five minutes, a taxi pulled up beside them. The window rolled down and a man in his late fifties stuck his head out.

"Mr. Shepherd?" the voice was rough and professionally uninterested.

"That's me," Derek confirmed. He got out of the car and went around to open a startled Meredith's door before she could protest.

"Caveman," she muttered but there was a smirk on her face as she got out and looked up into his face. She was absolutely stunning, her hair in soft, blonde ringlets past her shoulders, her features animated and clear with anticipation, long lashes framing her enticing green eyes, her pale pink mouth in a round bow. She was wearing a white dress that fit snugly on her every curve, classy but revealing just enough skin to make him clear his throat.

"What?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowing slightly in curiosity. He simply shook his head and smiled happily, a smile she instantaneously reflected right back at him.

Derek loved how she responded to him: with such a sweet and open readiness.

The cab driver cleared his throat. Derek rolled his eyes, Meredith giggled and they went around the car. Derek could not help but notice the driver's eyes widen as Meredith came into sight. She did not seem to notice, smoothly sliding into the back seat.

Shaking his head, Derek followed right behind her, closing the door.

As Derek leaned forward to give the address, he noticed that the man's eyes were glued to Meredith. And it was not her face but how the white material stretched over her chest that had his interest.

"Excuse me sir, are you listening?" Dirty old pig.

"Of course," the driver kept his eyes on Meredith who did not pick up on his glance as she was staring directly at Derek, snickering proudly at him.

"I know where we are going," she snickered and turned her full body towards him, unaware that her dress rode up her thigh as she did so. Derek and the cab driver certainly noticed. "Or the address at least… Derek what's wrong?"

Derek clenched and unclenched his fists before looking up at her confused features. She was so… unaware… of her own influence, it was almost maddening.

"Nothing," he finally said and forced the corners of his mouth to tug upwards; but it was unpersuasive and only served to deepen the little furrow of worry between her eyebrows. Pulling himself together, he widened his smile and spoke in an upbeat voice. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah?" It was more of a question than an answer, but the cab pulled forward and into traffic anyway.

Derek kept his eyes locked on the cab driver's eyes in the rear-view mirror as the guy ever so often checked it for a glance of the girl sitting in the back seat.

It was only after a couple of minutes that he felt Meredith's warm little hand slide into his own. The sensation was... oddly comforting? Derek at last looked up and felt his heart clench tightly around itself as he saw the worry in her eyes. Finally, he was able to smile, really smile at her, trying to silently reassure and soothe. As he did, his body relaxed; Derek hadn't realized just how rigid his muscles had been.

Meredith looked visibly more at ease as his expression grew tender.

"Do you have any idea," Derek whispered, carefully bringing their intertwined hands up to stroke her face gently, tucking a few, blonde strands behind her right ear. "Just how beautiful you are?"

She looked down, timidly, but was obviously pleased with his words. A delicate blush spread over her cheeks and he let their fingers slowly trace the lines of her throat and onto her collarbone. She shivered, forcing a low moan from her throat up into the air; his eyes went immediately to her pink, plump lips.

_Screw it,_ he thought as he slowly leaned forward to capture those perfect lips between his own, to taste her again…

"Ahem," the cab driver interrupted in a rough, greasy voice, and the sound so obviously fake that he didn't even bother to put his hand to his mouth like he really was coughing. "Ahem."

Meredith looked up at Derek, amusement in her eyes. She was so unbelievably close; he could smell her intoxicating scent of lavender, count every single freckle on the bridge of her nose. For a second he let himself take her in; then he quickly pulled away. If looks could kill, he thought as he yet again eyed the driver in the mirror.

"Miss," the guy had the nerve to continue, yet again eyeing Meredith as they came to a red light. Derek clenched his fists. "That's a beautiful dress you've got there."

"Why thank you," Meredith laughed and traced the fabric with a tiny hand. The driver's eyes followed her hand down her body… Derek's knuckles were turning white.

Meredith let her hand fall to the side but the guy kept his eyes… on her chest.

"Unbelivable," Derek muttered.

"What?" Meredith spoke up, smiling at him.

"Um… Nothing," he smiled back, then turned to the driver with murder in his glance. "The light is not going to get any greener."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Derek!" The corners of Meredith's mouth went downwards. "Be nice."

"Sorry Mer," Derek grumbled. Was that son of a bitch laughing at him?

Yes, yes he was.

Meredith just shook her head as she searched the floor for her purse. The guy's eyes followed her as she bent down, giving him a nice visibility of her slight cleavage…

Wait? Was he actually licking his lips?

"That's it," Derek grumbled in a voice that was a little sharper and a little louder than necessary. "Stop the car."

"Derek?" Meredith sat straight up and looked at him, startled.

"Stop the car."

"Sir…" the driver began.

"Just stop the car!" Derek pulled up his wallet and threw a bill that about covered their small trip onto the front seat.

The car was pulled over and Derek got out, slamming the door as he went to Meredith's side and opened it, motioning for her to get out.

"Get away!" Derek shouted to the cab driver when he was still looking at them with questioning eyes. He shrugged and drove away in seconds.

"Derek," Meredith began again, alarm in her voice. "What was all that about?"

"He was flirting with you."

"No he wasn't," she argued, her eyebrows flying up to reach her hairline.

"He was flirting with you and looking at you…"

"He was just being nice!"

"Oh yeah?" Derek grumbled, leaning against the brick wall of a dirty old apartment building. "So when you bent over to get your purse, and he licked his lips, was that being nice?"

"What?" Meredith started to laugh, which only irritated him further. "That's ridiculous."

"I swear, he licked his lips."

"Derek," Meredith beamed at him as she stepped forward and reached for his hands. Derek felt himself soften with her gentle wide smile. "Regardless of what he did or did not do… I'm right here with you. Not in the cab with him."

Meredith released one of her hands and poked him in the chest.

"I."

Poke.

"Want."

Poke.

"You."

This time she didn't poke him but did instead step one step closer to him, sandwiching him between the brick wall and her body. Every place their bodies were in contact, their thighs, their stomachs, her breasts… the warmth was overwhelming. Then, too soon, she stepped away, leaving him out of breath.

After a moment, though, Derek smirked at her.

"I'm sorry," he told her, reaching for her hand. She let him have it.

"So what now?" she questioned, doubtfully looking around. "Should we try and get another cab?"

"No!" Derek said a little too loudly, smiling when Meredith merely rolled her eyes. "We're not very far away. Let's just walk."

Hand in hand, he led her around a corner… and another one… and another one…

"Derek?" Meredith asked after about fifteen minutes. "Do you know where we are."

"Of course," he smiled at her; apparently not convincing enough, because she just rolled her eyes and smirked.

"Are we lost?"

"No." Yes.

"Yes we are!" Meredith giggled, so infectious that he did not even care to grumble. "I knew it!"

"Mer," Derek laughed, watching her smile stretch from one ear to another. "We're not lost."

"Yes we are!" she giggled, bouncing slightly up and down. "You're a neurosurgeon and… and… you can't even…"

"What?"

"Read road signs!"

"Mer," he repeated as they reached another corner.

"Admit it." She poked him in the side. "We're so lost."

"Maybe a little…" he stopped as he saw something not too far ahead. Thanking his lucky stars, Derek's half-frown turned into a smirk. "No, not lost at all."

"We are!"

"Nope," he grinned at her and lifted both their hands to point. "Here it is!"

Meredith's eyes widened as she saw what he saw; bright lights and a big, fat sign with the name of a very French restaurant. Her frozen smile turned mock pouty.

"That was a lucky guess," she told him; but her eyes were warm and he chuckled.

"Oh yeah?"

"Definitely," she giggled. Then her features turned worried. "Look at that line. Maybe we should find another place…?"

"There's no other restaurants in this area," he beamed at her. "And don't worry. I did reserve a table."

"Such a smart brain man," Meredith laughed, elbowing him as they, hand in hand, crossed the street.

"Hey," Derek told the hostess. "Table for two. Reserved under Shepherd?"

The hostess smiled brightly at him. Meredith tightened her grip on his hand.

"Let me see… Shepherd… Shepherd… I'm sorry sir, I don't seem to see your name…"

"Look again please," Derek asked.

"Shepherd… oh here it is!" her smile faded. "35 minutes ago."

"So… what are you saying?" he looked at Meredith and saw that she was… laughing?

"I'm very sorry sir but we had to give your table to someone else…"

"I see…" Derek sighed. "Well, thank you for checking."

"You're welcome!" the girl smiled perkily and unwillingly turned to service the next in line.

"So," Derek groaned and turned around to face Meredith whose smile was soothing. "I have no idea where to go now."

"You know what?" Meredith whispered. "I think I have an idea."

*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*::*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*

"Do you want a toy with that?"

"No that's o-" Derek started but was interrupted.

"Yes please," Meredith giggled. "One girl, one boy."

"Here you go," the cashier smiled as Meredith took their tray. "Enjoy your Happy Meal!"

"Thank you very much," Meredith lead the way to a relatively clean table. "Ohhh, I haven't had one of these since medical school!"

Her enthusiasm was contagious enough to make Derek smile; he silently shook his head as he watched her open her little pink box.

"Look! It's a little Shrek!"

"A what?" Derek furrowed his brows even further when she laughed at him in disbelief.

"Shrek!" From the box, Meredith pulled out a green, plastic creature dressed in a white shirt and brown leather vest. "It's an ogre! From the movies!"

Derek laughed and shook his head again.

"Let's see what you have," Meredith eagerly snatched his unopened happy meal. "Oh look! It's Fiona!"

"Fiona?"

"Shrek's ogre wife-princess," she giggled. "It's meant to be."

"I'm sure it is," Derek smiled but could not quite keep it there.

"What?" Meredith softly asked. She put the toys down and he cautiously took her hand over the table.

"I don't know… I just-" Derek sighed. "I wanted to do this right."

"Derek," Meredith sighed in exasperation. "What does that even mean?"

"What do you mean?"

"The doing it right thing… I… I've never done this before."

"What?"

Meredith swallowed something and opened his hand on the table, tracing his palm with a single index finger.

"Dated."

"Oh." Derek sat up straighter. "Oh. You've never done this before."

"I've never done this before," she confirmed, timidly looking up at him between locks of hair. She squeezed his hand. "So please explain to me."

"I…" He took a deep breath and met her eyes. They were so green… so innocent. "I didn't want to take you to McDonalds. I wanted to woo you. I wanted to bring you a flower and drive you to a nice restaurant and hold hands over the candle lights and pay the bill while you were in the bathroom… then, when you came back, I would put a small kiss on your lips… but only then and only a small one because… I wanted to do it right."

"Derek…" Meredith was smiling, her green eyes a little moist.

"Mer," Derek mumbled, letting his thumb make little circles in her hand. "I don't want you to ever feel… second… after…" he forced the word out, "Addison, I mean…"

Meredith stiffened and looked down. Then she beamed.

"Derek, I never expected any of that. I'm not like her. I don't need the fancy restaurants or the flowers or the food." She smiled and nibbled at a Chicken McNugget. "I just want you."

He couldn't help but smile at her simple… contentment?

"I could get used to that."

"You better," Meredith smirked.

"I just… I wanted to make it special."

"Oh," Meredith giggled, so contagious that he had to join in. "Derek, trust me, it was special alright!"

11


End file.
